November birthday's!

November is a month that so many of my friends and family have birthdays. My husband's birthday is this Sunday, my grandfather's birthday was in November, my cousin's husband's birthday was a couple days ago (SORRY I DIDN'T mention then Chris, but we hope you had an awesome birthday!) And now today looks like it'll be another birthday! My cousin's water broke a few hours ago and she is in active labor right now. Waiting for more news as to the arrival of baby Charles or Amelia!

sicky fibro flare

I'm still dealing with a fibromyalgia flare from doing a bunch of housework on Saturday, so I'm still giving myself grace in posting daily. My hands have an aching burning sensation with this flare, so typing for very long is uncomfortable. I had hoped to write on the topic of chronic grief today, but will have to move that over to one of the other free posts. It is a fascinating topic though, and I encourage anyone who is down because of chronic illness to look into chronic grief as it may help you understand better your personal stresses and give you a better perspective on how to talk with others about what you are dealing with, and how to gain the support we all need.

Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY... from Crystal's Daybook

Outside my window... a cool, cloudy day.

I am thinking... I'm too hungry to wait much longer for lunch

I am thankful for... all the help we received on Saturday getting so much yard work done. I'm still paying for it physically (my participation) but I'm so thankful that so much got done.

I am wearing... PJ's, as usual. I'd say, it's my right as a disabled housewife.

I am remembering... how much I'm still craving BLT's and wishing I had cooked it when I wasn't so hungry so I could just have it ready now.

I am going... lay low for a while until this latest fibro flare dies down. That's also why I have some tardiness with some of my NaBloPoMo posts right now.

I am reading... 2 Corinthians

I am hoping... to get the dishwasher running a load of dishes sometime today, so far my legs are disagreeing with me, but I'm not surprised they were up all night (restless leg syndrome)

On my mind... eager to see our first snow day of the season, it might be tonight or tomorrow night, I hope so, I LOVE snow!

From the learning rooms... Still waiting for my god-child's arrival, which is a good thing since the due date is the 2nd, but baby has been showing so many signs of being eager to come on out.

Noticing that... my arm really stings, I burned it cooking soup a few days ago and now the skin has peeled away and is raw, very unpleasant. As I type I feel it more. :-(

Pondering these words... people who are normally healthy rarely can understand the depth of the dysfunction that is chronic illness, and that when you're sick more often then not things pile up not because of a lack of organization, but because of a lack of strength and energy. I'd love to have my old life back, but if I can't, I'd love for people to at least recognize this about me.

From the kitchen... BLT's and tomato soup tonight. On Sunday Kevin made our yummy pumpkin cake and we might have the leftovers of that for desert.

Around the house... is looking a lot better, but still needs help before we have guests for Thanksgiving.

One of my favorite things... Looking out the window and seeing that each day the snow-line on the mountain is a little bit lower and lower.

From my picture journal...
The type of walker that would be a true blessing if I could own.

Abby Johnson, Fighting for Life (Foxnews Nov 7 2009)

This is so heart-wrenching! No matter who you are you need to watch this to see what this woman has to say about why she left her job as a director of a planned parenthood. The truth needs to be known!

Faith and depression

Faith and depression is a topic I scheduled for today. And I know I won't be able to give it justice in the next few minutes before bed so I'm going to post a video from John Piper, and then post my response. I hope to revisit this topic later as I have MUCH to say about it being a dysthymic and a Christian.

I've greatly struggled with relating my depression to others, and I know that's true for anyone with depression, but I've found I think there is an additional difficulty when relating it to other Christians as so many focus on their joy in the Lord. And I certainly DO have my joy in the Lord. However, this sadly doesn't change what is chemically going on in my body both because of brain chemistry and chronic illness.



The following is my response to the video.
As someone who has dysthymia I feel the need to speak up in response here. Dysthymia is a very real and hard to diagnose depressive illness. It often goes undiagnosed and untreated because those around the sufferer don't see the depth of it all like they would with major depression. It still needs medical treatment and the help of a psychiatrist, both verbally and medically.
I mention all of this specifically because sometimes "Eeyore personality" is exactly the way to describe dysthymia.

Another viewer commented my post with affirmation saying;
"I second that.
Doesn't matter how much I pray, worship, or meditate on the bible, the dysthymia won't go away. It's like my mind is frozen. "

I do want to further clarify that I admire Pastor Piper for speaking on this matter. It is true that there are those who are unnecessarily medicated. I also know that my Christian faith has & continues to be the center of my treatment. My comment is to raise awareness about dysthymia through clarification; it is hard to diagnose & generalities can discredit the need for medicated treatment.

I then agreed with the person who responded to my post and said, 'I think you're right, it very much is like my mind is frozen (w/o treatment) too.'

Free post

Missed Friday's free post, but it was because I slept 20 hours yesterday! So since this is (chronic illness/RA/Hypersomnia) illness related I'm giving myself a pass and publishing this now as Friday's post.

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful that I have this sleep study coming up!
I couldn't sleep all night again, and then slept the day completely away, only to wake up super stiff and sore. I woke up mid way from a nightmare, and again when I got up.

I've been keeping up with my sleep (or lack of) journal and I'm getting to a point where I can clearly see I need to make copies of it for all my doctors and myself because it really shows a lot of sleep problems. I'm thankful I have this journal too because I don't think I'd be as clear about what all the disturbances are with out it.

I'm sure that to anyone new to my blog this doesn't seem very thankful, but more tongue in cheek complaining, and trust me, that's not the case. The theme is trials anyway. And this issue with sleep is certainly a trial of mine.

Well, I'm going to keep this short, just because of how sleepy I am. I hope you who read this can see the thankfulness in it. This is the trial I'm dealing with right now, and I'm thankful for the things happening that I hope will improve this situation.

Women with abortion regret

I'm not going to say much about these videos because I think the message is fairly complete in them.

It is sad how many women's lives are so emotionally damaged by their choices and it really takes understanding and internalizing stories like Robin's to know just how serious post abortion stress is.

It's such a blessing that these women were able to find healing in being honest with their loved ones and through counseling. Sadly many women still suffer alone in silent regret not knowing that there is a way to move onward.

Flubbed already, so here's a quick free-post.

So the time is 1:06 am wednesday morning and I realized I didn't log on to write soon enough for Tuesday. So lets pretend this is Tuesday's post. I was also planning on making this post one of my more serious posts, 'Post abortion secondary infertility'. However I'm still working on that article and it isn't quite ready. Considering this isn't completely scripted out and I was thinking of having a free post for Wednesday I'll post free post right now for Tuesday and hopefully finish the other post later in the day for Wednesday.

'Today' (Tuesday) I saw a pulmonary specialist. I've been dealing with bad pain induced insomnia which keeps me from readily falling asleep and staying asleep. Fibromyalgia is one of the things to blame, but with talking to the doctor (and I knew this ahead of time too) I'm dealing with some additional sleep disturbances. So I'll be having a sleep study soon to find out more information about what's going on. I actually am really looking forward to this as I believe it'll give both the doctors and myself more information that'll better equip us as to how to help me achieve more restorative sleep, which really, hopefully will help with my pain management and fatigue.

I'm thankful that I have such a great rheumatologist. It could be thought that he's just trying to pass me on to other specialists (since he also made sure I saw again an endocrinologist to treat my PCOS) but personally I think it's important for a doctor to know what they know well, and know who to refer to to help with the things they don't have as their specialty. I think too, this will give my rheumatologist more information as the test results will come back to him as well. In all I feel like my medical team is shaping up and while it will always be work to balance things and find my ideal level of functioning with disability, I do think those now involved have my genuine care in mind.

Simple Woman's daybook

Outside my window... High clouds and a damp ground, though it doesn't look like it will rain just yet.

I am thinking... about how my boy cat is trying so desperately to pack on weight for the winter. Any time he sees me eat he wants what I have, he has plenty of cat food all the time.

I am thankful for... all the housework my husband did over the weekend. I'm pretty ill right now with pain and fatigue from Fibromyalgia and have been a bump on a log. I recently adjusted my meds some so I'm getting some sleep again and slept TONS over the weekend. We missed church because of it, but I'm so thankful for the sleep I got as I have such a huge sleep debt from only getting about 4 hours if that for most of the nights of October.

I am wearing... A PJ shirt and pants. This will probably always be my response unless I have an appointment or it's Sunday and I'm going to church. If I'm staying home all day I stay in PJ's. With Rheumatoid arthritis and Fibromyalgia it's just easier on me this way, otherwise I take a LONG time getting dressed.

I am remembering... or trying to anyway, that we need to buy water, milk, eggs, and bread. Or I need to feel good enough and bake some bread.

I am going... to go see a pulmonary specialist tomorrow. I may end up having a sleep study done. Pain induced insomnia was really bad most of October and my Rheumatologist referred me.

I am reading... the Swiss Courier by Tricia Goyer and Mike Yorkey It's a great read! I'm really enjoying it!

I am hoping... to get a nap before Kevin gets home. I'm still super sleepy.

On my mind... I'm wondering if I bit off more than I can chew with pledging to participate in NaBloPoMo. I hope forcing myself to make a post every day of November doesn't prove to become stressful, I want to enjoy this.

From the learning rooms... Studying 2 Corinthians, and also trying to learn more about the process of regeneration, faith, and love so I can better communicate this process with others.

Noticing that... I haven't been drinking enough water. I normally am very good about it, but with being sleepy I'm forgetting to go refill my glass often enough. I'll get better again.

Pondering these words... "Salvation is by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone, according to Scripture alone, to the glory of God alone!" And am thankful for the gift of salvation, and the change that the Reformation brought to the church.

From the kitchen... I'm eating leftover potatoes. I'm not really cooking much these days. Which saddens me a little, but it was super relaxing having dinner made for me and given to me last night! Kevin made steak, mac & cheese, and broccoli, and he did a great job!

Around the house... needs a lot of help, I've been ill for far too long.

One of my favorite things~ snuggling with my cat.

From my picture journal...
My hubby Kevin and I with our cats Maddie (the black cat) and Siggy (the orange cat) on Halloween. Sorry it's fuzzy, it's hard to get pictures of us with just using the tripod. And yes, I am wearing a tiara. I was a rock princess for halloween. All the neighbor kids loved it - I wore the guitar hero guitar slung over my shoulder!

My very first NaBloPoMo post

Today is my very first post in participation with NaBloPoMo. I've been reflecting on my blog and how I haven't really been posting much to it lately. I have many things churning in my brain as possible blog posts, but a lot of things start turning into long articles when I try and focus on them, and then I loose steam with editing and never actually post. So, for November, and in an effort to get myself back on track with using my blog, I'm going to try and pick a few themes I want to work on and make my posts a bit smaller so I actually get around to writing them. Some of my themes will be a bit more serious, and others a bit easy going. I've decided that in order to better keep on track I'll also participate in the Simple Woman's Daybook posts on Mondays, so that will be one of my themes and some of the lighter posts. I also plan on shining light on different people groups and their perplexing journey's while still showing hope. I hope by doing so I'll keep to my blogs theme as well as participating more openly.

(As I'm actually working on this particular post a couple weeks early I'm still planning out the rest of the month, but I think so far I have a good start.)
To those I'll soon meet from participating in this challenge, welcome to my blog. To give you a little background about it I write about my life dealing with multiple types of arthritis, allergies, and infertility. I've been blessed with a great struggle of many health issues. It deepens and strengthens my faith as I have to grow my strength and trust in God. In addition I sometimes post about political topics that effect my perplexing journey as well. Particularly health care reform, topics surrounding medications, and the pro abortion/ pro life debate. I understand these topics are not for everyone, however I make no apologies about my views & feelings.The posts I make are my views and this is my blog, I would hope that readers who comment will be respectful of my views. I pledge to do the same as well.

About blog commenting. I preview all comments before they are allowed to publish to my posts. I did this because when I had commenting fully open I was getting more spam comments than actual comments and it was a waste of my time and my readers time. Please know that you won't see your comment on my posts immediately as I will only be approving comments about once a day. Duplicate comments, spam comments, and disrespectful comments will all be denied publication. This will be at my personal discretion as time permits. Thank you for your cooperation.

If you are a NaBloPoMo participant as well and you have a blog or posts that you believe I'd be interested in based on the feel of my blog feel free to leave me a comment telling me how I can find your blog. I think by following others it'll help us all have more ideas on how to keep on track with making our posts each day. Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog. God Bless.

"Persecution or a Great Awakening" - Paul Washer

Coping with Crises on Top of Chronic - Chat with 2 Gals Who Understand

Two amazing women chat in this topic. Hannah's Hope is such a gem of a book to me as someone who often feels like I'm in such a small group, of people who live with chronic illness and infertility.

Coping with Crises on Top of Chronic - Chat with 2 Gals Who Understand

Shared via AddThis

Just a quick update.

The outpouring of love and support I got both on here and on Facebook, as well as at church in regards to my last post has been truly encouraging. A big thank you to everyone who is stepping forward and helping out.

As an update. I have been on anti-depressants, as a treatment for fibromyalgia, for about a week and a half. Kevin has noticed a big difference in my ability to do things and said he's heard less comments about pain and stiffness. I'm still dealing with a lot. And seems like I'm dealing with more cramps. Particularly in my feet and knees. But overall I do think I'm fairing a bit better.

Over the holiday weekend Kevin and I worked in the front yard and got most of the berry bramble chopped down. We have a mountain of bramble in the middle of the yard now. There is still much yard-work that needs to be done, but that was a huge part of it all. I felt very accomplished because I worked along side Kevin for much of the time!

On an almost completely different topic, the following link takes you to a video from AccuWeather that debunks global warming (in California wildfires.) and actually shows that we're in a trend of cooling for the next couple decades. I know I've changed this blog to be about illness and faith, but this is one topic that still seems relevant to me here since weather greatly effects my symptoms. Winter months are often rough for me. And if this does play out, as Farmers Almanac also claims, it'll mean that I need to plan ahead better for the foreseeable future as to how to stay warm, and what I need to do to manage pain.

I think that's about it. I am looking at the info about global cooling and more snowy winters here in the PNW as a cautionary warning but not something I'll be really alarmed about. I have hope that this new diagnosis and new treatment will help me cope better this winter than in the last couple winters. Even still, I think I may need to invest in an electric blanket this winter! ;0)

Needing to vent - I really HATE summer, when my birthday is, and asking for help.

The following was a very hard post to write and is both personal and candid. Please respect that I wrote this out of honesty and humility.

As a kid, my birthdays always were depressing because they fall like a week or two before school starts. So hardly anyone would ever come to my birthday parties. My 16th was probably the worst. I had invited EVERYONE I knew, it seemed, and a handful came, and half I wasn't really friends with. I felt so alone and miserable. Year after year.

As an introvert, maybe others think that being celebrated with lots of people isn't important to me. And to be honest, large parties do drain me. But it's always felt like no one cares when MY birthday rolls around. This year felt different. And for that I'm very grateful, but it was still hard for other reasons. I LOVE all the sweet comments from all of you who wished me happy birthday. And I had the best vacation in a very long time all thanks to my dear sweet cousin Tracy who took Kevin and I with her and her guys to a resort for several days! I felt so spoiled! I still need to edit and upload the photos. I hope to do that soon. When I need a smile now, I've been scrolling through the photos on my camera.

Even with a wonderful birthday things are still weighing on me. This time of year is the worst for Kevin at work. There is so much to do as all the schools are gearing up and starting the new school year. He's working longer hours and coming home so tired. More often than not he'll eat dinner and 5 minutes later be asleep and I'm left with the mess of the house and all alone all over again. This feeling alone in my own home really makes me hate infertility all the more. While I was with my family for my birthday I felt so much better! Being loved and accepted felt so good. I was crushed when they went home. I don't expect those of you who have kids to understand any of this, but when it's just me and the cats at home, it becomes insanely lonely. It just seems like even though my school year days are behind me that the school year calendar still effects my every August no matter what.

Since the start of May I've been dealing with a cycle of fibromyalgia flares turning into arthritis flares turning into nasty colds and all over again! This has been an unusually hot summer and the heat fatigue has really made life miserable! It really has been one thing or another for several months now! Only this last week am I feeling a tiny little bit better. But now the place is a dump. The dishes have piled up, and the litter box area is a mess. The yards both need tending, and berries (the remaining good ones) need to be picked. There is mountains of laundry to put away. And loads of paper to shred and recycling and trash to take to the actual dump. Kevin is a wonderful husband and I love him very much, but he hasn't been able to help either because he's already burning his candle at both ends!

I need help. Not advice nor suggestions. But physical help. It frustrates me to even have to ask, especially because I fear others will think wrong things about it. But I can only stand for so long and it's really keeping much from getting done. My shoulders lower back and feet have been bad for quite some time and let me tell you, it makes so much impossible.

I HAVE HOPE! And so does Kevin! Fall is coming, and hopefully in a month or so things will slow back down to normal for him. I have new doctors and new medications and I'm waiting on results with hopeful anticipation. I just have to believe that things will get better. But for now it just feels like Kevin and I need so much help and have no support. To those who do help, you mean the world to us! And We've been so blessed and thankful for the times before when others have lovingly stepped forward to help us with physical things.

We've received some hurtful remarks regarding the state of our home and I feel it extremely important to make this note as a result. Unless you are dealing with the stresses we've been dealing with you can have no way of knowing what is happening. Please be supportive. I am a good housekeeper and have had times when the home is clean and orderly. Before I was chronically ill I didn't have these struggles with housekeeping. If you dealt with the issues I do you'd have the same struggles too! From my other chronically ill friends with the same disabilities I have, I've seen I'm not alone in this hurt & struggle. I just hope those who are able bodied could please be more understanding. It's very hard to ask for help, especially when I may need it more often than others. To those of you who feel like you want to help but can't see any way to physical help, please just pray. Pray that those who can, will help. That things will get more normal for Kevin at work very soon. And that my new medications will better control my symptoms. Prayer is such a huge help and I know that my prayer warriors are who helped me get my new doctors, and prayer helps get me through each day. Another way others could help is I still need a walker. The kind you can turn around and sit on. I check the thrift stores, but all I ever find are the kinds that can't be sat on. I know this will be a huge help. I've been trying to save for one for so long, but when there is so many other things that always need to be paid for, it just hasn't happened yet.

Prayerfully written,
Crystal