Infertility suxs!
I'm having a hard time right now. My best girl friend just had her third kid today and really I'm so happy for her (though I don't think anyone can see it!) She's gotten so big that in the last couple of months she's been very uncomfortable. She called my cell this morning and sounded so chipper for having just given birth at 5 in the morning.
For me the news was like a dagger in the chest. I knew she was going to give birth any day now and I just spent Thanksgiving with her and was amazed that she didn't give birth right then. My heart sinks each time a friend has a kid. It's so easy and natural for everyone I know. They just get pregnant and have kids. I've been pretty depressed before this because I'm starting to seriously doubt if my husband wants to have kids. He keeps diverting conversations of looking for adoption agencies. He loves that I'm infertile because of no real need for contraception and while that was fine when we weren't ready to have kids now it still play in my mind that he liked that and it hurts.
I'm in no state of mind to really be blogging so this is probably going to be deleted or strongly edited, I saved as draft. But none of this is to negate the sadness I feel. I feel even crappier because I should only be happy for my friend and nothing else, but every birth reminds me of this curse of a disease. I know that there are reproductive infertility endocrinologists out their who take the time to help PCOS women conceive, but with such high odds of the chance of miscarrying I just can't see it being worth the most likely painfully sad result just on the slim chance that I might get rewarded. Plus the costs of treatment outweigh adoption costs.
We're doing well enough now. At least it seems like it to me, to be able to adopt soon. I'm just very confused as to what we are waiting for! Plus, actually doing the whole process will take a while itself. I'm tired of saying "someday when we adopt" I wish it could already happen, or at very least start the process. I do know we're waiting to buy a house and be settled in that. I'm trying to be patient.
For me the news was like a dagger in the chest. I knew she was going to give birth any day now and I just spent Thanksgiving with her and was amazed that she didn't give birth right then. My heart sinks each time a friend has a kid. It's so easy and natural for everyone I know. They just get pregnant and have kids. I've been pretty depressed before this because I'm starting to seriously doubt if my husband wants to have kids. He keeps diverting conversations of looking for adoption agencies. He loves that I'm infertile because of no real need for contraception and while that was fine when we weren't ready to have kids now it still play in my mind that he liked that and it hurts.
I'm in no state of mind to really be blogging so this is probably going to be deleted or strongly edited, I saved as draft. But none of this is to negate the sadness I feel. I feel even crappier because I should only be happy for my friend and nothing else, but every birth reminds me of this curse of a disease. I know that there are reproductive infertility endocrinologists out their who take the time to help PCOS women conceive, but with such high odds of the chance of miscarrying I just can't see it being worth the most likely painfully sad result just on the slim chance that I might get rewarded. Plus the costs of treatment outweigh adoption costs.
We're doing well enough now. At least it seems like it to me, to be able to adopt soon. I'm just very confused as to what we are waiting for! Plus, actually doing the whole process will take a while itself. I'm tired of saying "someday when we adopt" I wish it could already happen, or at very least start the process. I do know we're waiting to buy a house and be settled in that. I'm trying to be patient.
Labels: depression, infertility
posted by Celestial Freak @ 11/30/2005 12:06:00 PM
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