Frustrations!
OK, where to begin... No, I don't have S.A.D. I actually love all this cool weather and misty hills and rain and so on. But me, I'm not sure what is going on. I wish I did. I know I should go to the doctor, but I don't really feel motivated to, which should tell me all the more to go, but I just am not sure what else to say to a doctor other then I feel blue.
Lately I've been sleeping lots. I'm talking lately like the last 4 months and 8-13 hours a night. Normally insomnia would plague me. Now I struggle to stay awake! And when I sleep I dream like crazy. Normally I don't remember many of my dreams or I wake up not thinking I dreamed, but lately I dream all the time. The baby bug has me BAD! Every dream involves a baby or a child who are always in my care, but then I wake up still a childless mother. It makes for some pretty panicked mornings too!
I know I'm walking around with a sad face. Everywhere I go people are excessively nice to me and I know why, I worked retail, I just always feel bad because I know for that moment I brought those people down with me and I wish I hadn't. Kevin's also been asking me a lot lately if I'm OK and I keep giving super vague answers, and it's not like I'm trying to avoid answering. I just don't have an answer and feel like I should. I know my mom is completely ticking us both off and I'm sure it's effecting me more. She just doesn't know when to quit. I don't know what all to say about that, other then I'd love prayer and maybe some advice about talking to my dad about it to see if he can be a bit of an allie for me.
I'm sorry I've been surface or bitchy or just not talking much, but I'm not sure what's going on with me.
The worst part is my mind is going all the time, it doesn't help because I think so much negative stuff before I can even rationalize it first. I keep thinking maybe I'm pregnant and how that would make so much sense, it's been true for so many other women in the past, why not me too? But I've been in this place before and well, you know I'm still childless, so why would now be any different.
The worst part is I know sharing all of this will probably make a lot of people silent. I'm not looking for pat answerers or attention or anything. I just hate feeling alone in this funk.
So here it is, and I should probably just print all this to take to the doctor since I always have an easier time pouring things out into writting then is spoken words.
Well, if you're reading this that means I really trust you so I hope all this sharing is OK.
Good night all. I'm off to bed I guess. I'll probably wake up in 12 hours. Whatever.
I've even noticed that instead of having the typical response most women have to seeing babies and kids (smiling, women smile.) I frown, get sad, want to cry. It's like the whole greiving process is resurfacing with me and won't go away, I thought I was dealing with all that pretty well. But when I found myself frowning at a Huggies comercial and wanting to fall into the fetal position I had to get real. Something is wrong with me. In the past I took Prozac for dysthymia, but right now my brain is too foggy to know what to think, though academically I know that I'm having another low in a life of years of dysthymia. Well, if you've read all this you are a super friend. I do see my Rhumatologist on Friday so I'll talk with her about some of this stuff. At least to make sure this isn't any of the meds she has me on.
Lately I've been sleeping lots. I'm talking lately like the last 4 months and 8-13 hours a night. Normally insomnia would plague me. Now I struggle to stay awake! And when I sleep I dream like crazy. Normally I don't remember many of my dreams or I wake up not thinking I dreamed, but lately I dream all the time. The baby bug has me BAD! Every dream involves a baby or a child who are always in my care, but then I wake up still a childless mother. It makes for some pretty panicked mornings too!
I know I'm walking around with a sad face. Everywhere I go people are excessively nice to me and I know why, I worked retail, I just always feel bad because I know for that moment I brought those people down with me and I wish I hadn't. Kevin's also been asking me a lot lately if I'm OK and I keep giving super vague answers, and it's not like I'm trying to avoid answering. I just don't have an answer and feel like I should. I know my mom is completely ticking us both off and I'm sure it's effecting me more. She just doesn't know when to quit. I don't know what all to say about that, other then I'd love prayer and maybe some advice about talking to my dad about it to see if he can be a bit of an allie for me.
I'm sorry I've been surface or bitchy or just not talking much, but I'm not sure what's going on with me.
The worst part is my mind is going all the time, it doesn't help because I think so much negative stuff before I can even rationalize it first. I keep thinking maybe I'm pregnant and how that would make so much sense, it's been true for so many other women in the past, why not me too? But I've been in this place before and well, you know I'm still childless, so why would now be any different.
The worst part is I know sharing all of this will probably make a lot of people silent. I'm not looking for pat answerers or attention or anything. I just hate feeling alone in this funk.
So here it is, and I should probably just print all this to take to the doctor since I always have an easier time pouring things out into writting then is spoken words.
Well, if you're reading this that means I really trust you so I hope all this sharing is OK.
Good night all. I'm off to bed I guess. I'll probably wake up in 12 hours. Whatever.
I've even noticed that instead of having the typical response most women have to seeing babies and kids (smiling, women smile.) I frown, get sad, want to cry. It's like the whole greiving process is resurfacing with me and won't go away, I thought I was dealing with all that pretty well. But when I found myself frowning at a Huggies comercial and wanting to fall into the fetal position I had to get real. Something is wrong with me. In the past I took Prozac for dysthymia, but right now my brain is too foggy to know what to think, though academically I know that I'm having another low in a life of years of dysthymia. Well, if you've read all this you are a super friend. I do see my Rhumatologist on Friday so I'll talk with her about some of this stuff. At least to make sure this isn't any of the meds she has me on.
Labels: depression, health, information, life
posted by Celestial Freak @ 11/14/2006 10:53:00 PM
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