Quiver Full
I came across this watching a morning news program. I'm really not sure what to think about it all.
Kevin and I go to a church where there are large families, and the church we went to in Bothell had very large families too. It's probably the one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable at church since it's just the two of us.
All my life the one dream that has always remained constant was to get married and have children. I was able to get married young and have enjoyed it and feel sucessful in my life as a wife. But my life as a childless mother is a bitter and painful sadness. Groups like this (even parts of my own family tree) make the sadness worst. If they are so blessed to have children, am I so cursed to live my life without children? And what of my desire to change that if only I could?
I came across a few links on Quiver full and because it's just a bit too hard to deal with right now I'm blogging it so I pick it up later.
Quiver Full Links page.
Quiver full, convicted housewife.
Quiver full homepage
Quiver full, about us.
The biggest issue I've come across in what I have looked at is the anti-birthcontrol stance.
I in no way am for abortions, once life has been created it shouldn't be stopped. I do however take birth control pills, and not to keep from having kids, but to regulate my hormones. I couldn't have kids even if I was off the pill. If I was to concieve I would more then likely loose the pregnancy as my odd hormone levels would not be conducive for a pregnancy to remain healthy. I've struggled with the idea of being on the pill, but knowing that it would lead to heartache and I'd miscarry this seems to be the best option for us, but I still stuggle if it is what the Lord wants, or is it better to miscarry so many times, or would surgery of some kind be best? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Kevin and I go to a church where there are large families, and the church we went to in Bothell had very large families too. It's probably the one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable at church since it's just the two of us.
All my life the one dream that has always remained constant was to get married and have children. I was able to get married young and have enjoyed it and feel sucessful in my life as a wife. But my life as a childless mother is a bitter and painful sadness. Groups like this (even parts of my own family tree) make the sadness worst. If they are so blessed to have children, am I so cursed to live my life without children? And what of my desire to change that if only I could?
I came across a few links on Quiver full and because it's just a bit too hard to deal with right now I'm blogging it so I pick it up later.
Quiver Full Links page.
Quiver full, convicted housewife.
Quiver full homepage
Quiver full, about us.
The biggest issue I've come across in what I have looked at is the anti-birthcontrol stance.
I in no way am for abortions, once life has been created it shouldn't be stopped. I do however take birth control pills, and not to keep from having kids, but to regulate my hormones. I couldn't have kids even if I was off the pill. If I was to concieve I would more then likely loose the pregnancy as my odd hormone levels would not be conducive for a pregnancy to remain healthy. I've struggled with the idea of being on the pill, but knowing that it would lead to heartache and I'd miscarry this seems to be the best option for us, but I still stuggle if it is what the Lord wants, or is it better to miscarry so many times, or would surgery of some kind be best? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Labels: adoption, children, Christian, faith, family, Quiver Full
posted by Celestial Freak @ 1/17/2007 01:46:00 PM
2 Comments:
Crystal, I just wanted to give you a great BIG cyber-hug.
I am a quiverfull mom of 13 beautiful, healthy children--far more than I ever wanted or deserved. To be perfectly honest, I am guilty of the same sort of sadness you experience, reading about people like me--I am jealous of the time you have to yourself and with your husband, of the opportunities for ministry, of financial stability, of peace and quiet, and of any number of other things I just assume you can enjoy because you DON'T have all these kids. And thinking this from time to time, I have to keep pulling myself back to "letting my mind dwell on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure..." and seeing the immense blessing that each of these messy, loud, house-destructing little faces represents.
I just wanted to tell you this, and to say that I don't have any answers for the questions that plague you, except that God knows what He is doing, and we are to trust Him, whatever our circumstances. We are not to be sad as we look around and see what others have, and we don't.
Thanks for reminding me of this; I needed to hear it this morning. And again, my heart goes out to you.
Jenn.
I really appreciate your comment, especially your BIG cyber hug! I wish there was some way to let you see my response. Maybe you will revisit my site and see this post again.
I know life can be hard. And I can see the hard parts of your life too. There are parts of my family tree that would probably call themselves a part of the quiverfull movement if they knew about it.
I have always had one lasting dream all my life, and that was to happily be married and to raise children. I fell in love with the absolute love of my life! But the second part of my dream remains a wound that is easily rebroken.
I found it intesting that we both hold stereotypes about the other. Well, maybe not stereotypes, but quick and easy assumptions. My hubby and I don't have a lot of money. We've stuggled to be where we are at, and only this last year got to the point were we could afford more then one bedroom. And I find it interesting that it seems like my husband and I would have lots of time together. I wish that could be truer. He ends up working extra jobs and that's so we can afford our house payment on our 3 bedroom modular home. In this way it's a hidden blessing that we haven't had children sooner because we couldn't have provided for them. We were recieving financial help from both parents, both of us working, and recieving groceries from my sweet grandparents. Without our family I don't know how we could have done it. That was life in CA. We've since moved to WA and that has helped make our dream of starting a family more of a reality, but it's a sad choice to make, to leave our family behind, so we can afford to make a family of our own.
I will agree that I have lots of time on my hands. It's why and how I'm able to spend so much time online writing and sharing and discovering.
I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm only 27, while all my married friends seem to have on average 4 kids already, I do have other friends who haven't even found there other half yet.
On the otherhand that peace and quite you mention I have sometimes is anything but peaceful. My mind races on questions of why God gave me the heart of a mother, but no means of becoming one yet. I've learned to realize that it WILL happen, but not in the simple 9 months sort of way that is so easy for others. And in many ways I do have a different way to reach others now. Infertility is such a differnt life then most ever see or understand. My sadness and depression from that is not something I see as wrong or to be ashamed of or to be hidden. It's simply a different way I can reach some that others cant. It motivates me to be introspective of my desires and my requests to God.
One of my best friends has 4 children and she is almost 2 years younger then me. Her life is so much different then mine. But I am blessed to have her as a friend and for letting me be "aunty" to her children. I hope that someday when my husband and I finally are able to adopt a few children that we will be able to have people in our lives who will be their for our kids too.
In all honesty I don't hold anything against those who are BLESSED to have large families, but it is just that, a BLESSING, a gift! To make ones life to simply procreate without regard though seems a bit selfish. I guess that's the distinction I'd hope for anyone who calls themselves apart of quiverfull. In your post I see you make that distinction. You see your family as a blessing. I do too! If I could only hold a child of my own in my arms seems like such a dream, and would be a true blessing. If my own ability to have a family wasn't so hard I'd be so much more accepting of this all. It's very hard to see families out there that almost make it seem like it's that easy for anyone, you just have to have faith. I do have faith, and maybe through adoptions someday we might be able to say the same thing, but this is the life God has layed out for my husband and I. Our infertility is no blessing, but it is an opportunity.
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