Things I'm thankful for/QuiverFull part two.

I had a quiverfull mom read my post and respond. I really appreciate her heart and what she wrote. I don't hold anything again those who are so blessed to have so many children. I don't envy them, I simply would see my life as blessed too if I only could have children of my own. It makes me have many questions... I know I'm not cursed to be childless, but I do know my pain is real and I stuggle with it making me bitter. I wish so much to raise kids. But for me, getting there will be a much slower process.

Right now I know of MANY couples who are expecting. I very much want to be happy for them, and I am, but it's very hard to share it outwardly. There ferility rubs in my face my own infertility. It's not that I wish infertility on anyone, it's just the wound is so easily rebroken. Just about the time I find joy and hope in the life I have, sorrow comes in and tears pour down. My heart aches because it isn't just that easy for me. On Thanksgiving weekend I heard of another couple expecting and my own reactions couldn't be controled. I got choked up, ran to the bathroom and siting on the bathroom floor I held my head in my hands perplexed as to how everyone I know can so easily make the dream of a family happen and for me it's just a distant dream. Even now as I write all this I'm choked up again. If it wasn't for writing the tears would probably be falling again.

It's interesting to be reflecting on all this now. After we've made our initial move to start adoption. I do have hope and faith. I see God providing and I know this journey is begining and I look at it with eager and accepting arms! The pain is still there, and it's deep. It hurts easily, but I know that my dreams will happen. It's just a matter of time and a different route the others.

I just took a little break while writing this, and found it was profoundly important to me and relevent to this post. I heard about this show called "Bringing Home Baby" and while I typically avoid shows like this I watched this episode that just aired because it was of a mother who has Rheumatoid Arthritis. That is one of my many health issues. I could really relate with her, the need for naps during the day and dealing with weakness that comes and goes and pain that comes and goes are all things I deal with. I admire her for being able to ask her mother or mother-in law to help with things, as well as her husband. It's hard enough to do the day to day things as it is (living with R.A.), let alone to take care of all of babies needs too.

This last summer, right as we were moving into our new house, I had a really bad episode. It was after we had spent time in CA visiting family, and after the stress of buying a new home and having to pack our belongings in a hot and tiny apartment. My body was stressed and overwhelmed. I cought a terrible cold while in CA and while I was taking one day at a time, it was all just too much for my body and my body reacted. After we moved in I was flat on my back. I slept more then I was awake, all my muscles twitched or cramped and my wrists were virtually useless. I had no grip in my hands and any ammount of exertion made my body burn and tighten up. It's what brought my doctors attention to the many aches and pains I have, and that it was more then just my size or activity/inactivity that was causing my pain. My bloodwork showed more issues and put a (partial) diagnosis to what I'm dealing with (I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and my Rheumatologist is still trying to figure out if it is simply R.A. or R.A. from another auto-immune disorder.) I'm now on medications and vitamines. I'm able to move so much better. I now have to avoid getting sick at all costs, but I've found that when I am sick I'm able to get better faster. Amazingly with addressing my R.A. my asthma, and allergies have improved too.

I don't see myself as an unhealthy person, just someone who has health issues. And as I remind myself that it takes me so much to keep myself healthy and get things done around the house, that I have so many naps, and doctors appointments, and expenses like canes, and braces, and face masks, and so on I actually am very graetful that I have this time to care for myself and learn how to keep myself from having times again of being flat on my back.

It's just another journey I'm on... the journey of keeping my body healthy, with all the health things I deal with. I know I need more time to take care of myself and to do the things I need to. It's not an issue of selfishness, it's an issues of learning what my body needs. For this I am greatful that my life is just me and my husband. I couldn't imagin going through what I did in the summer and dealing with children at the same time. I now worry about how when we do have children how this will effect them. They'll have to learn to help mommy with things and such, but I don't see myself as handicapped or inable to care for children, just that I'll need to have ways of dealing with things.

I'm grateful for where I am. I'm thankful for my doctors who understand my body and are taking care of me and making my days better. I'm grateful for our house that is still new to us half a year later. And while I have boxes still to unpack because it takes me so much longer to get things I marvel and enjoy seeing each day this place be more and more ours. I've been focusing a lot on things that are good in my life lately, its something that has been hard for me a lot, but right now it has been coming easy!