MIA, and thoughts on infertility, sick cat and other things...

Sorry I haven't posted anything in 3 weeks! I do have stuff to post too; like the pictures from our Portland trip, and the fiasco with a very sick kitty when we got back. I just haven't blogged and I think a lot of it is just being tired (and sick). I got super sick myself after Portland and Kevin had a business trip so for most of the week when we were back I was alone. That was awful. I was so sick I texted my mom her birthday greetings because I couldn't talk, and later I had a horrible sinus infection! I just hate blogging when I feel like I don't have anything good or interesting to say, when it's all complaining and sickness and stuff, I just close up.

I also close up when I hear about other couples expecting. I REALLY want to be happy for them. I AM happy for them, but I always close up because my infertility is a wound easily reopened. I can be fine for days, weeks, months even, but then something that should be one of the biggest joys for a loved one is a painful reminder that I will most likely never get to have that experience and joy, and if I were to try it would be at great risk, huge expense and well, I'm just wanting to adopt so I don't talk about infertility treatment.

The last few weeks I've been very depressed. I want so desperately to be a mom. It's a dream I've wanted all my life. To be a wife and mom, I'm only halfway there, and the first part has been so easy and the last part is so hard! I feel so horribly left behind. I'm hard pressed to come up with many friends who are married that don't have more then one kid already! I just hope that when we do have kids that we will know someone who will have kids our kids ages, at this rate I think we'll be so behind that everyone will have much older kids then us. These are things that bug me to no end! And lead me to midnight blogging!

In the matter of 2 and a half weeks I heard 4 pregnancy announcements! I screamed every time. I have a hard time wanting to spend time on-line because I'm afraid that everyone else's joy will just make me sad. I went to a "support" website only to be told I should pray about my own jealousy and just be happy for them. But what that ignores is I am happy for them, it's my own situation that causes me such sorrow, and while I'm able to cope most of the time, their joy reminds me of my own sorrow, brings it up again and then I grieve again. It doesn't just disappear. My hopes and dreams are not something to just ignore. And I know they are Kevin's too.

I've missed parties, or church (and we even left a church in San Jose), or waited too long to go shopping and missed out on other things simply because I don't want to be constantly reminded of the gifts other families have that I have to continue to wait for. Seeing pregnant women in the grocery store saddens me. I wonder sometimes if they can read "Infertile" on my face when I look away in sadness, or if they even notice.

I'm grieving again. A really good friend of mine is loosing her baby and all I can think of is that she's living the hellish nightmare that keeps me from trying infertility treatment. See I know what my odds are, I know that there is more of a chance of loosing a baby then ever having a baby, and I know that my chances of conceiving in the first place are so slim considering my body. It is one of those things that makes some women explore absolutely every avenue and option out their, but the pain and risk along the way seems to great a sorrow considering everything else I've had to live through, why add more pain. But that leaves me with the struggle of a heart of a childless mother. I have a niece and a nephew, and my cousin made me her son's God mother, and for these joys I'm grateful. They still don't fill that whole in my heart though. Someday an adoption will happen and these things will change a lot. Holding hope in that day, somedays is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy. And I know I'll be a good mom someday, I just needed to let you all know what's been rattling around my head for so long. Why you haven't heard from me. I've been trying to come up with what to write, but stop because I don't want to complain.

On to Tony... When we got back from our trip (we were only gone 3 days) we had found that he had developed a bad case of the runs. It sucks enough when a person is dealing with that, but cats are a whole 'nother thing. He left surprises in every room, as well as streaks and stains. He lost 4 pounds which considering his size is a good thing, but still drastic. And he slept like crazy. For about a week straight he wasn't himself. Then we noticed his fur was missing on his backside, but he was better otherwise. It seemed like everything was behind him and he was going to be a healthy kitty again! Then the next day we noticed the fur-less patch was raw and a bit bloody. We were getting concerned. It was seeming like he wasn't getting better and so we somehow had to take him to the vet with no money! The day after that he had a huge open wound. We both felt faint looking at it and had no doubt, we were taking him to an animal ER. We ended up paying for the visit with the money my mom and sister gave us to buy a convertible crib/bed for when we do have a kid. So now purchasing that has to wait. Which bums me out because I've been back and forth with nesting. I have this crazy idea of having a room all ready for when we start our home-study. Anyway, back to Tony. So the doctor said he was doing very well and that it looks the way he wants it too! And we're thinking "WHAT? this is a lot worst then when he had the runs." Apparently he got a gland clogged with all his unpleasantness, so even though I was bathing him, wanting to vomit as I choked on my own illness at the same time, he still ended up not getting clean enough to stay healthy. And we kind of wonder if Tony didn't do it to himself since it seemed to us like he was over cleaning on top of us cleaning him as well. To make a long story short his horrible wound is an abscess that got infected and ruptured. And wow was the wound gross. I'm thinking, I've had pimples and boils and none of them have ever made a wound like that. Poor kitty. It was reassuring being in the ER vets office because they explained that it's not that uncommon this time of year with all the warmth and considering his previous illness. They comforted us telling us we were good cat parents and sent us home with a round of antibiotics to give him. All in all he's been such a good cat. He normally is. I'm so proud of my cat. Both the people in the ER loved him.

So here it is July 3 and I'm finally writing again. Sorry it's not much fun. But an interesting factoid is the last time I wrote was my mothers birthday and today is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday Daddy! Oh, and my brother in law too! Happy birthday to you too!

I'm just waiting for some good news. Which seems silly considering so many dear loved ones are expecting. I am happy for them for that, I'd just like for things to work out a bit better for my house too is all. Eventually they will. I hope.

I'll try and post some pictures soon from our Portland trip. We went to Portland and met up with Kevin's parents there. We sat in the rain most of the day Saturday (three weeks ago) watching the parade. I'm not much of a parade person, but it was a lot of fun. And even though I got sick (I know I was coming down with it before the trip) I'm so thankful it was rain and not blaring sun while we sat outside. I guess that proves I'm a north-westerner or something.

In positive news, Kevin and I recently finished our introductory classes on the OPC and are placing our membership at the church we've been attending (as best we can given MANY trips and illnesses this year) for almost a year now. On sunday an announcement will be in the bulletin that the church plans to receive us as new members and then the next week if there is no opposition then we'll be accepted, given our reaffirmation of faith. We are very excited as this has really become a wonderful place for us to worship God, to grow our faith and to fellowship with great new friends. The support structure we are discovering there is awesome and we feel blessed to be lead there. We both hope that everyone we love can have the same kind of joy in their own church home.