God's Providence Shining through my personal darkness

I'm not trying to write my testimony here, but I do want to share some things that are on my heart.

In the moment I can think of millions of things that seem unfair about my life. My health and infertility being a huge one. I don't blame me, God, or anyone for why I have to live life dealing with these things. I simply know that this is a fallen and broken world we live in, and as a result we all deal with different trials. I never thought that as a young bride I'd find out we couldn't have children. In my heart I always knew what that would mean, we'd adopt. We're still hoping for that someday. Though I deal with lots of women's issues and can't have my own biological kids, I don't hold heartache about that, I hold heartache that we aren't ready yet to accept into our family a child in need of a home.

For years I worked as well as Kevin and with growing resentment, I felt like I was ignoring God's will for my life. I mean after all, through all the dreams I had about what I might be when I'd grow up the one that always remained the same was that I was going to be a wife and mother. Going to work was a daily reminder that I couldn't do that yet, that I was passing time, earning a living only really for the now. Such was the curse of living in California were just existing cost everything we had, and had us accumulating debt.

Looking back I remember years of wondering if we'd ever be able to make more so that we could at least afford one more bedroom. We lived in one bedroom places for years, and the cramped space was another constant reminder of not now. How could I continue to hold hope that we'd have kids if I couldn't see how we'd get out of our situation.

But God provides. God guides, and He wakes us up to see what we might not see otherwise because of our day in and day out. Back then I never would have imagined I'd be typing this living in a 3 bedroom house and being grateful to have that gift I knew was promised me. I couldn't see how it was possible where Kevin and I worked, and it wasn't. It took Kevin loosing his job and not successfully finding anything decent afterwards to wake us up to the fact that God was calling us to leave, to find a new home, a new community, a new circle of friends. This has been such a blessing!

We moved two years ago to Washington on faith. We had no jobs, no prospects of jobs aside from seeing some listings that really fit Kevin, and no idea we'd ever end up in a little town called Sultan at the base of the Cascade mountains. But now that we're here, now that Kevin has growing responsibilities and respect at his job and we're growing a circle of friends here, and growing roots in our church and community, now through all this I can see God's Providence.

I can see that yes, it still isn't time for us to be parents yet, but He still holds that true for our future.

I see that I have the time and ability to communicate with people and connect with them in ways that are real, that they need, and that I need.

I can enjoy clean air, less asthma issues, spectacular views of the mountains and a real sense of tranquility at home.

I have now a room I'm nesting for that special someone or someone's someday. When God says we're ready, we WILL be ready.

I have time to think.

While we may have every penny going to paying a mortgage now and we often wonder how we'll buy groceries it somehow never truly is as big of an issue as my panic can make it out to be. I always still seem to have leftovers that go bad in the fridge and plenty of good food to bring to church lunches, both real and tangible reminders that God is providing.

There are lots we are doing without these days. I see others who frequently enjoy going to the movies or buying games, or going on vacations. We can't do any of those luxuries right now. On the other hand, where we live is so peaceful, and the nature that we can enjoy just outside our door. It's all such a wonderful gift from God.

I could go on even more, but this is yet another mid-night blog post, and for once I'm actually tired at a normal time, so I'll wrap up to head to bed. I just want to say though, that when I look back on what I didn't have, and what I am blessed with now that I am able to see what God has done for me. It is when I see everyone else around me having kids, or someone who's lived in an easier market and doesn't have the financial issues we've faced that I start to get depressed. I can't focus on the Jones', we're the Wilson's.