Woman to Woman - Infertility - Life as a childless mother.

The topic this week for Woman to Woman is infertility and recurrent loss. It's something that has been a huge heartache to me. Something I rarely talk about, but also something that greatly effects me.

For men something that can destroy their self image is loosing a loved job and feeling like they can't provide. For women, I think the equivalent is infertility. I don't often talk about my infertility because I don't want insensitive comments or pat answers that don't really help the pain I have to deal with.

DLH and I have been married 7 and a half wonderful years, and a few months before we got married I found out I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. I had spent all my teenage years hiding myself because no matter how much I worked out and ate good things I would gain weight all the time, and then there was the acne, sweating, and irregular cycles that would make me sick for days when I'd finally have a cycle. Having a diagnoses was a good thing, and something that helped me feel a bit better about myself. I grew up constantly wondering what I was doing wrong, but then learned I wasn't doing anything wrong, my body was.

Since we weren't planning on having kids for a few years (I was still in college, and we lived in a tiny condo) it wasn't that tragic then, but I still had to process a sense of loss, I felt like less of a woman. I always wanted to be two things all my life, a wife and a mother. I've always believed that if I couldn't have kids that we'd adopt, and we're still hoping that might be in our future if God reveals that plan to us. However, every time a friend or family member is able to announce a new birth or have a baby shower and so on, I hurt. I can't help it. It's a reminder that I can't yet be who I always dreamed I would be. The life of a childless mother is full of little painful reminders.

Recently I read a blog post about a mom who was ranting about how hard things where with her house full of boys, and I was bitter, I couldn't think of anything to console her with, all I could think was how I'd just be so grateful to be able to have even just one child to raise. I'm sure there are those who would say I'm missing the picture here, that her issue is being overwhelmed. But my issues is I am as well, but for me, it's what rattles in my head. It's easy in this fallen broken world to get frustrated with the path we have to walk down, and so strange for others to see how these things bother us. That being said, I don't expect women who have kids to understand my pain. I know there are other things in life they can empathize with, but not that. As a result this leads to lots of isolation, loneliness and doubt.

I often wonder what God's plan is for my husband and I. I am married to a wonderful man who I KNOW will be a good dad, and yet I can't readily give him that gift. Does God expect for me to risk the odds of miscarriage and to try infertility treatment. Invasive, and painful, and expensive? Or does He want for us to adopt and bring in children who need a home into our home? And with both, how will we meet the additional financial need to make either of those options happen. When we're stretching our grocery bill as much as we are these days it becomes a rather depressing thing to think about. We don't know if we will ever be able to afford becoming parents.

I'm not sharing all this wanting pity. I just want to share a part of me I rarely talk about. This is deep and painful, so it takes a lot for me to be willing to share anything. My DLH and I have missed church on every mothers day that we've been married, and we left a church because it was so family focused we were asked every Sunday when we were going to have kids. I spent most Sunday's coming home in tears. It was hard to Sunday after Sunday explain to yet another person that we can't have kids, but that we'd give anything to have a family. After we left that church we never heard from any of those people again. It was strange and painful.

I love being an aunt and a God-mother, but it's just not the same thing. I don't get to tuck them in every night, or do their laundry, I don't get to make all their meals and know each time they cry or laugh. I try as best I can to know what my nieces and nephews are into, but when I only see them maybe once a year, it's hard for them to even really know me. I love them all dearly, but it just isn't the same.

PCOS has a cruel trick to those women who deal with it. If untreated annovulation can really play horrible mind games on her, constantly wondering if the reason why she hasn't had a cycle is because she might miraculously be pregnant. I spent the three years we didn't have health insurance constantly praying over pregnancy tests that I always knew what the answer was, and yet still my body wasn't doing, it seemed anything it was supposed to.

I could try infertility treatment, but I also know that my odds of having a miscarriage is much higher then other women, and it'll be hard just to get to that point. I don't know that I could handle the pain and heartache that would most likely occur if I were to finally conceive and then loose it. It is so much expense to try and with having the odds against me so much I'm just not sure what to do.

Recently I had my Gyno annual. I complained about lower groin pain that I've had for several years now, both my doctor and I feared it was cysts or some other female issue. With PCOS there is a very serious increased chance of ovarian cancer. It's something I pray for protection from often. I was poked and prodded, had a couple ultrasounds and.... NOTHING! That's a good thing! But it still made me wonder what was going on. A few days ago I found out that it's one of my other chronic ailments, Rheumatoid Arthritis. So that's not so bad (well, it's bad in it's own sense, but it's not life threatening.) And the exams having good news seems like a good thing, but then it also makes me wonder if I shouldn't be trying more to grow our family. Knowing my ovaries actually look normal with this disease I have is an amazing thing, but I also know that in the past as soon as I've gone off birth control pills that has changed, another cruel trick of PCOS.

What do I mean by sharing all this? Just that I seek prayer. I want to know God's will for Kevin and I. I want to know what His plan is for us. Why has He given me such a motherly heart to always be a childless mother? I have so many questions. I tend to not think about it unless I have to because it can make me easily depressed. I'm already taking anti-depressants. But I also don't want to ignore the elephant in the living-room either. It's also something that can easily become a fresh wound. Something that somedays won't effect me, and other days totally crush me. I know many of you won't be able to understand how I feel. That's OK, this is my pain. I know you probably have something else in your life testing you.

Even through all my frustrations and grief I still know God has a plan. I know He wants what is best for my husband and I, and I know that with living through this I can better be able to relate to others who need healing and help them see the hope God gives. I don't have all the answers now, but I trust God's plan. It will be made clear in His time. In the meantime, I wait and pray, and hope and love my future babies, even if it's nothing more then a dream.