I censored myself.
The following is more of the post I made a few posts back, about my latest R.A. clinic visit.
I censored myself because of some hurtful words I was told recently, that 'you'll regret it when you finally do have kids.' To save from drama I'm not saying who said it, just that those words continue to sting, and it's been extremely hard talking to said person since.
Here is what I posted on my private blog that I didn't post here. I hope all who read can be mature and refrain from posting 'pat answers' that don't really help. I'm sharing a two-fold vulnerability of mine here. I hope my dear readers can respect that.
'I went to the Rheumatology clinic on Friday. Told my nurse about how Kevin and I are hoping to TTC in the next couple years. She wanted to know how soon, well, of course the sooner the better, right? Well, we start going over my meds, I now have things all different, new meds, lots of vitamins and lots that I've been taking that I need to stop taking. The crappy part is waiting a minimum of 6 months for these meds to change! Add to that however many months/years PCOS-caused infertility adds, plus 9 months if things go right... It just doesn't seem fair that the time adds up so much so quick, maybe we should just keep waiting for a baby to fall from the sky for us. I mean, we're too poor to afford to adopt, I probably have too many health issues to qualify for foster care as I'm almost disabled with my arthritis. I don't want to give up, but I feel like everything is against me.
But to grow our family has always been a dream, when Kevin and I were courting we talked openly and with great joy about how we'd parent our children. We spoil our cats, and know that when we finally do have kids they'll be treated much the same, because our love for them has been growing in out hearts and will continue to, for years.
I know this is all I ever write about. I'm sorry for that. It's also my biggest burden, the thing I pray about daily, the constantly fresh wound that keeps my depression active.'
So there it is, be nice. I'm in a poopy mood this week.
I censored myself because of some hurtful words I was told recently, that 'you'll regret it when you finally do have kids.' To save from drama I'm not saying who said it, just that those words continue to sting, and it's been extremely hard talking to said person since.
Here is what I posted on my private blog that I didn't post here. I hope all who read can be mature and refrain from posting 'pat answers' that don't really help. I'm sharing a two-fold vulnerability of mine here. I hope my dear readers can respect that.
'I went to the Rheumatology clinic on Friday. Told my nurse about how Kevin and I are hoping to TTC in the next couple years. She wanted to know how soon, well, of course the sooner the better, right? Well, we start going over my meds, I now have things all different, new meds, lots of vitamins and lots that I've been taking that I need to stop taking. The crappy part is waiting a minimum of 6 months for these meds to change! Add to that however many months/years PCOS-caused infertility adds, plus 9 months if things go right... It just doesn't seem fair that the time adds up so much so quick, maybe we should just keep waiting for a baby to fall from the sky for us. I mean, we're too poor to afford to adopt, I probably have too many health issues to qualify for foster care as I'm almost disabled with my arthritis. I don't want to give up, but I feel like everything is against me.
But to grow our family has always been a dream, when Kevin and I were courting we talked openly and with great joy about how we'd parent our children. We spoil our cats, and know that when we finally do have kids they'll be treated much the same, because our love for them has been growing in out hearts and will continue to, for years.
I know this is all I ever write about. I'm sorry for that. It's also my biggest burden, the thing I pray about daily, the constantly fresh wound that keeps my depression active.'
So there it is, be nice. I'm in a poopy mood this week.
Labels: depression, infertility, medications, nurse, PCOS, R.A., Rheumatoid Arthritis, ttc
posted by Celestial Freak @ 2/27/2008 04:37:00 AM
2 Comments:
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can imagine how painful it would be emotionally. And to hear that the meds will add significant time to the wait is very hard.
Three of our children were adopted from the state - children's services. The only cost was the lawyer's fee and by following the dept.'s recommendation for a lawyer, it was a lot less than we paid for the first time we adopted and got a lawyer on our own, closer to our town. Plus two of our children qualified for a subsidy since they came at one time as a sibling pair adoption, and one of the siblings had some medical needs. They also granted us Medicaid for all three of our adopted children until the age of 18. So you might want to check it out, at least. In the meantime getting yourself as healthy as possible would be the best thing to do, as you already know. ;)
I'll pray for your situation. God knows the plans he has for you... paraphrased from Jeremiah, although I can't quote the verse numbers. Whatever His plan is, it will be the right plan. Hugs!
Thank you Wanda.
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