Not social

I've always been a wall-flower. Always. I'm much more content to have a table in the back corner of a room with my back to the wall, feet growing roots in the floor, and watching the world interact in front of me. Am I shy? I don't really think so... I know I get shy in certain circumstances, but I've been in high school drama plays, and since elementary school all through college I've been in many choirs. I'm not afraid to be up front if I have to. But, I am perfectly content with staying holed up in my house, reading books, making crafts, and keeping house and letting days go by before I make contact. Hard to believe considering my blogging sometimes, but writing has always been very easy for me. What has never been easy is picking up the phone. PERIOD. If we have business to take care of I become a baby and make Kevin do it as soon as he gets home. And my poor dear friends never get phone calls from me. I'm fine to talk on the phone with someone when they call, but I always see making a phone call as an intrusion. Maybe it stems from a hate of telamarketers, or having to be quiet back in the days when my dad worked nights, I don't know. But I think the biggest thing to me is that you can't read the other persons body language. I put so much into that. It's a part of who I am as a wall-flower. I just enjoy watching people so much, as much as others love the art of conversation. Body language speaks volumes. And when you're on the phone it's almost like during that conversation you're blind, you don't get to see body language.

On Sunday two friends both asked me independently why I never call, I just really don't have any answer beyond this. I feel like a horrible friend, I love them both dearly. I guess this is just one of my flaws. I own it, but I know it keeps me from others, even ones I love dearly. I want to change that, but it's a work in progress. I've never lived in one place long enough to know what a friendship really can hold. I hope I'm changing that. I hope I'm putting down roots here, not going to move this time, will keep friends near me and grow together as dear friends over the years. One thing though is everything around here (this house) is moving in s...l...o....w... m..o...t..i...o...n... We still have to put away Christmas. I'm so embarrassed to admit that. I have the tree down, and most of the decorations, but they still need to go back in their boxes in the shed. I keep seeing on so many blogs all the wonderful spring cleaning and craft room organizing others are doing and I wonder if I get started now, would I be ready to post my pictures in a year? I admit, I'm feeling pretty down on myself these days. I don't really know why other than I'm fed up with my current medical care and looking for new doctors and feeling like that process isn't happening fast enough considering my constant pain, and my lack of normal sleep schedule and so on.

I've even seen myself slow down on blogging and talking with friends on MySpace. I've spent times where it's all I do, but these days opening blogs and profiles is just something I don't always feel like doing. Main thing is that s...l...o....w... m..o...t..i...o...n... issue. I feel like so many others are able to have cool lives, raise and teach kids, and for me it's still all just a dream. I'm 28, I'm still young, but I do feel my clock ticking too. This sucks. So I close up, I stop writing, don't call, don't post, I just sit with a book and ignore life, hoping someday something can change, but not knowing how to make it change now.

:: Deep breath :: I'm not looking for pity or anything. Just trying to explain why so many posts have been just a picture, or a silly quiz. I've been bummed about my lack of comments lately, but what have I done recently to get any comments here, I mean really. What do I expect people to respond to?

Please pray with me about these things. I want to be who my friends need me to be, I want to be a mother, I want to be the wife my husband needs me to be. And I want to hold on to the joy and hope I do have in Christ that I am easy to ignore or forget.

So from this humble wall-flower I ask a few things. Please be patient with me... If I've ever told you I love you, that does mean I love you... If I'm quite, it rarely means I'm mad at you or anyone, and if I am it's more likely that I'm mad at me and not you... I'm trying to grow, through Christ I can be the person I know others need me to be, and with glory to and for Him.

I hope everyone is doing well, I'm sorry I've become so withdrawn lately. I've just been thinking about so much. I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's day next week. I'm sure I'll post again before then, but with a holiday of love coming up I just wanted to let my dear friends know I love them.