You're lying by not complaining!

What is wrong with you!? No, really? Are you wearing a happy face mask, but inside feeling like no one could care two cents about you? Who's fault is it really if you pretend for others that everything is OK when you're hurting so deep and wishing someone would listen? If you don't open up & speak up you can't fairly expect anyone to know what you are dealing with. Unless you happen to know of some legitimate mind readers or something (I jest.)

My house is a mess. I'm not upset about this (terribly) and it's not going to hurt me. I'm not telling anyone to do anything about it. And I'm not making excuses for myself by saying this. It is however at the forefront of my thinking. I'm a housewife with chronic illness. Most days I see everything around me that needs to be done and plan things out in my head, but actually making a dent in the list? Nope, and if I do, I pay for it the next day. This is the reality of my life. If you don't know me, you can just stop reading now. BUT chances are you do know someone with chronic illness so maybe it's worth it for you to continuing reading on.

I want to know where the idea that Christians aren't to complain comes from? I will whole heartedly agree that the manner in which it is said, and the heart of the matter is of high importance, but where does the idea of this false happy mask fit with a truthful heart? How then, are we to know what each-others burdens are to bear them for each-other? I can stay holed away in my home for weeks on end, could be playing guitar hero all day ignoring the world (sinful defiance), or I could be laying in bed in pain (needy). How would anyone know unless they ask? And how can I be truthful unless I honestly say when I'm struggling?

My wonderful husband set up my foot spa for me today. It wasn't a matter of seeking luxury, but a matter of getting the cramp in my foot to stop long enough for me to stand at least a little bit. We struggled to find the salt and he carried the water to the couch, bringing me a towel and flip flops to wear afterwards too. Then when I was done he took the spa to the bath to dump it out. Do you care anything about this? Well, maybe it sounds like complaining (and lots of needless details) to some, or maybe to others it shows just how sweet my dear husband is, and how grateful I am for the little ways he loves & cares for me. My feet still hurt. But my heart is full with love because of the compassion my husband shows me. Living out our marriage vows to love in sickness and in health is something he has shown great integrity about. I am so blessed by this continually. How do you know this? Because I have a cramp in my foot.

At church I was TIRED! I got maybe 4 hours of sleep. I wish it was for something fun like reading too late, or playing video games or watching movies. But it was from washing dishes and running errands, and then tossing and turning all night from pain. Wishing I could sleep, knowing that in the morning I'd be tired. Why is this important? Because when I get this tired I know I'm not as good of a friend. I know I'm not as interactive, social, or listening. You could tell me wonderful stories, but I won't remember simply because the sleep debt robs me of brain cells as my body is in standby mode to power down. And that's what happened today. I sat with wonderful friends, didn't really say much of anything, and then went home. I know we talked, but I can't remember much. And I feel so bad for that. These people deserve better than that. If I could change something about my sleep issues I would in a heart beat, and all because I want to be a better friend. I don't want people to read that and think my point is about the sleep issue, but about why I might not recall something that a good friend would, and I could be that person for them. My hope would be that by sharing this I can promote understanding.

I have this huge need and drive to be truthful, honest, and straightforward. If I sense someone asking me how I'm doing and they look a little concerned I tend to tell them. Maybe I shouldn't. But isn't omission in itself a type of lie? If I'm not fine, but put on a happy face and not let anyone else think other wise, am I not in-fact lying? Which is worse? To be seen as needy or to commit a sin of false testimony?

What does this mean to others? I DO want to know how you are when life sucks, don't hide it. Maybe there are ways I CAN help, or know someone who can! And I bet with talking it out we can come up with the blessings in it if we pray and dig. When you have something sad, don't feel like there is no one you can talk to. All that will do is make matters worse.

The reason I share on here what I do is in hopes that others will be made aware of what life is like dealing with this chronic illness stuff. In some ways I sometimes still have to teach myself that life is different. I had energy and did all sorts of stuff yesterday, and now everything is all out of whack again today. If I'd just remember to pace myself I wouldn't feel like I have the flu right now. And I'm not sick with anything contagious, just that my disease activity is, well, active. I over did it. My body is inflamed, and it's letting me know in the way my body likes to communicate the matter, pain. This is hard to describe because it sounds like weak muscles or the first couple days after a new workout program. The problem is I do exercise, always have, but the way a disease like RA works is sometimes it robs me of strength and other days I feel fine and capable. One day a simple task is no problem, the next day putting on shoes feels like an olympic event. As I live through it, I wish sometimes that I had learned from someone what life is like dealing with all this before hand. Before I had to start taking stock of what all I put my energies to. So I wouldn't feel so blindsided by some of it now that I'm dealing with it. Not that I'd ever wish chronic illness on anyone, but if it is something that must enter the life of someone I know, I'd hate for them to feel like they had no idea what any of this is like. And in some ways a lot is stuff that only someone who lives it can know.

It's kind of like this. I've never given birth, so I can't assume to know what carrying a child and giving birth is like. But I've heard so many stories and seen so many pregnant ladies over the course of my life. If I were to someday become pregnant I think there are some things I'd know ahead of time as a result. And I'd be grateful to all the ladies before me who taught me what it was like dealing with the months they were pregnant. And the things they went through bringing their children into the world. But had no one told me anything, and I did give birth, I think it'd be safe to say I'd probably be a bit dismayed that no one ever told me anything about what it was like. I'm sure there would be things I'd be going through that would make me think, "Someone should tell others what this is like!" And that's all the reason I mention things sometimes. Honesty and education.

Here's hoping my fellow chronic illness friends have a pain free day, and if they can't, that they can still see some reason for hope beyond it.