Needing to vent - I really HATE summer, when my birthday is, and asking for help.

The following was a very hard post to write and is both personal and candid. Please respect that I wrote this out of honesty and humility.

As a kid, my birthdays always were depressing because they fall like a week or two before school starts. So hardly anyone would ever come to my birthday parties. My 16th was probably the worst. I had invited EVERYONE I knew, it seemed, and a handful came, and half I wasn't really friends with. I felt so alone and miserable. Year after year.

As an introvert, maybe others think that being celebrated with lots of people isn't important to me. And to be honest, large parties do drain me. But it's always felt like no one cares when MY birthday rolls around. This year felt different. And for that I'm very grateful, but it was still hard for other reasons. I LOVE all the sweet comments from all of you who wished me happy birthday. And I had the best vacation in a very long time all thanks to my dear sweet cousin Tracy who took Kevin and I with her and her guys to a resort for several days! I felt so spoiled! I still need to edit and upload the photos. I hope to do that soon. When I need a smile now, I've been scrolling through the photos on my camera.

Even with a wonderful birthday things are still weighing on me. This time of year is the worst for Kevin at work. There is so much to do as all the schools are gearing up and starting the new school year. He's working longer hours and coming home so tired. More often than not he'll eat dinner and 5 minutes later be asleep and I'm left with the mess of the house and all alone all over again. This feeling alone in my own home really makes me hate infertility all the more. While I was with my family for my birthday I felt so much better! Being loved and accepted felt so good. I was crushed when they went home. I don't expect those of you who have kids to understand any of this, but when it's just me and the cats at home, it becomes insanely lonely. It just seems like even though my school year days are behind me that the school year calendar still effects my every August no matter what.

Since the start of May I've been dealing with a cycle of fibromyalgia flares turning into arthritis flares turning into nasty colds and all over again! This has been an unusually hot summer and the heat fatigue has really made life miserable! It really has been one thing or another for several months now! Only this last week am I feeling a tiny little bit better. But now the place is a dump. The dishes have piled up, and the litter box area is a mess. The yards both need tending, and berries (the remaining good ones) need to be picked. There is mountains of laundry to put away. And loads of paper to shred and recycling and trash to take to the actual dump. Kevin is a wonderful husband and I love him very much, but he hasn't been able to help either because he's already burning his candle at both ends!

I need help. Not advice nor suggestions. But physical help. It frustrates me to even have to ask, especially because I fear others will think wrong things about it. But I can only stand for so long and it's really keeping much from getting done. My shoulders lower back and feet have been bad for quite some time and let me tell you, it makes so much impossible.

I HAVE HOPE! And so does Kevin! Fall is coming, and hopefully in a month or so things will slow back down to normal for him. I have new doctors and new medications and I'm waiting on results with hopeful anticipation. I just have to believe that things will get better. But for now it just feels like Kevin and I need so much help and have no support. To those who do help, you mean the world to us! And We've been so blessed and thankful for the times before when others have lovingly stepped forward to help us with physical things.

We've received some hurtful remarks regarding the state of our home and I feel it extremely important to make this note as a result. Unless you are dealing with the stresses we've been dealing with you can have no way of knowing what is happening. Please be supportive. I am a good housekeeper and have had times when the home is clean and orderly. Before I was chronically ill I didn't have these struggles with housekeeping. If you dealt with the issues I do you'd have the same struggles too! From my other chronically ill friends with the same disabilities I have, I've seen I'm not alone in this hurt & struggle. I just hope those who are able bodied could please be more understanding. It's very hard to ask for help, especially when I may need it more often than others. To those of you who feel like you want to help but can't see any way to physical help, please just pray. Pray that those who can, will help. That things will get more normal for Kevin at work very soon. And that my new medications will better control my symptoms. Prayer is such a huge help and I know that my prayer warriors are who helped me get my new doctors, and prayer helps get me through each day. Another way others could help is I still need a walker. The kind you can turn around and sit on. I check the thrift stores, but all I ever find are the kinds that can't be sat on. I know this will be a huge help. I've been trying to save for one for so long, but when there is so many other things that always need to be paid for, it just hasn't happened yet.

Prayerfully written,
Crystal