Invisible Illness awareness week Meme - 30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

The following is a meme I've filled out for Invisible Illness awareness week. Which is Sept. 14th - 20th. To find out more about this meme, or to fill it out for yourself click here.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness(es) I live with is: Rheumatoid arthritis, Fibromyalgia, & Poly Cystic Ovarian syndrome.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: PCOS - 1999, RA - 2005, FM - 2009

3. But I had symptoms since: 1994?

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: How I pace myself, and what actually does get my attention and energy.

5. Most people assume: That I'm lazy, an over eater, and unorganized. None of these are true.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Moving. I'm so stiff and sore and tired in the mornings. I rarely make plans until afternoon, and I miss many church services due to morning troubles.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Scrubs. I'm not really into the drama based ones. Too much gore. But Scrubs is funny, and actually still teaches the viewer a thing or two about health too.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Bathroom handrails. And I'm angered by how many public places don't adequately clean the handrails in their handicapped stalls.

9. The hardest part about nights are: pain induced insomnia.

10. Each day I take 4-20 pills & vitamins. Depends on the level of pain and vitamin deficiency. (No comments, please) I also have a couple creams I use as needed, and an injection I take every other week.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Know a very small handful that are actually helpful. Like ginger & MSM cream for arthritis, and cinnamon for insulin resistance (as part of PCOS). But the vast majority of it all is snake oil and of no help.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Well, this is a tough one. PCOS is partly visible as it's caused me to gain a considerable amount of weight in my lifetime. And people are wicked and judgmental when they see an overweight person. On the other hand, I often think, if people could see the pain I'm in maybe I'd be believed more. So I really don't think I have an answer for this one. I think both are hard struggles to live with.

13. Regarding working and career: I don't think I'll be re-entering the work force. I'm struggling enough to keep home and need more support.

14. People would be surprised to know: That on my best of days I still feel the need to limit myself, because when I don't, I pay for it the next day.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: The cost of medications and the lack of income. I struggle with the idea of contesting a case to apply for SSI. I didn't work long enough before becoming ill to qualify for disability benefits. So all this is a very real strain on our income.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Participate in the Arthritis Foundation fundraiser walk! I didn't do the 3 mile plan I had hoped. But I still raised around $200 AND made it around the 1 mile course!

17. The commercials about my illness: Are really out of touch. The medications for RA help, but I've yet to be on one that fully gives me my life back as they seem to display. PCOS doesn't really have any commercials for meds anymore. For a while there was Vaniqua... I tried that - it did nothing for my facial hair growth & caused my skin to break out horribly.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: LONG hikes. I still love to go on nature walks, but can't do anywhere near what I once could.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: The idea of carrying a child. It still breaks my heart. But my PCOS symptoms make this a very small possibility, even with the best of treatments. Plus. My husband and I agree, when it comes to growing our family, funds will be better spent for adoption than for infertility treatments that will most likely fail.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Social networking. I'm here on FB and Blogger to meet and connect with others who have the same issues as me. It's been hard to find friends who have these same problems. So connecting on line has become a major support for me. I also really want to get into digital scrapbooking since working with my hands is hard. I've given up on a lot of physical crafts, but still enjoy being artistic.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Shop the mall, walk on the beach and hike the full trail to Wallace falls.

22. My illness has taught me: To ask others for help (still teaching me that and kicking my butt doing it.) To rely on God for EVERYTHING! And to draw closer to Him!

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "Try this!" or
"Have you tried this?" To be honest, I'm working every day to find ways to better my quality of life. Often things others have suggested have already been tried, and with failed results. It just brings up the whole frustration of hoping and failing all over again.

24. But I love it when people: Help me with my physical needs. A kind young man holding open the grocery store door means the world to me!

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: 2 Cor. 4:7-18

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Get connected. Don't let yourself feel like you are alone in this. Find others on-line or in your community through support groups, who have what you are dealing with. You'll learn loads for how to cope, what to expect, and you'll have support of others who know what you are going through when those around you don't.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How bad and apathetic some doctors can be. When you need to make appointments all the time, you start to really scrutinize the quality of your care.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Make meals & bring them to me, or buy food and bring it over. On my worst of days I miss meals because it's too hard to cook.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Rest ministries has become a valuable ministry to me. I've been able to connect with so many others and share prayer requests and stories with others. There is HOPE; both in faith in Christ, and with fellowship with others. Even if that fellowship is over the computer.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Valued. You took the time to read what this all means to me and my life. Thank you! Thank you for caring for me as a human, and the needs, both physically and emotionally that I have as a result of the illnesses I have.

Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at www.invisibleillness.com

I have rubber bands around my knees & my feet still are lead balloons. But I'm thankful for the HOPE I have in Christ.

It really does feel as though I have rubber bands around my knees & my feet are lead filled balloons. This stifling heat-wave here in the Pacific Northwest is doing nothing to help my already swollen limbs full of edema. While these things certainly are trying they do not consume me, for I'm thankful because of the HOPE I have in Christ.

Job 2:10b says: Shall we receive good from God, & shall we not receive evil?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

Job was enduring many trials, tests, & afflictions & yet he stood true to his faith knowing that the God who created this world with both good & bad would ultimately still be worthy of praise no matter what it was that Job had to live through. Through the book of Job we see him question why, but not rebuke God. In the end of the book we see that God richly rewarded Job, & that in the end Job's faith in God grew, as did his heart of thankfulness to God.

It's fine & good to focus on having a thankful heart. But if you are hurting or dealing with a burden it does no good to ignore it forcing yourself to only think thankful thoughts. Keeping quite can prevent others from knowing what to pray about with you or keeping them from doing God's will by helping to meet your needs.

In Matt. 25:43-45 Jesus says: 'I was a stranger & you did not welcome me, naked & you did not clothe me, sick & in prison & you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, & did not minister to you?' Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.'

If we tell people to not speak up how can we do as scripture says and bare each-others burdens? (Galatians 6:1-3)

I find GREAT COMFORT & HOPE when reading the promises in scripture. I will be honest and open and say when I am dealing with a great deal of discomfort or other burdens because I know I have a great circle of prayer warriors and lending hands around me

2 Corinthians 4:7-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

When others don't understand invisible illness.

One of the most frustrating things about having an invisible illness is when others look at you and think you should be completely capable because you look fine. Some days, living with RA, that can be completely true and I can do a lot. But most days I'm happy to eat three meals, spend some time on the computer and go back to bed. What can I say, it's not an easy thing being ill, and the lack of understanding sometimes really makes life trying.

Recently I've started using the power carts when I go to the grocery store. It's been a good thing, but I still feel eyes on me as people see me walk in and then sit down on these cars. Having my cane at my side still doesn't seem to deter the stares. I remember when I was really little I was watching someone using their wheelchair with a basket attachment in the store and my mom saw me watching and told me not to stare because I could hurt their feelings. I was fascinated with the functionality of the basket on their chair and didn't get the idea of hurting their feelings then, but I so get it now that I deal with it myself.

One of my matrons of honor (I had two) at my wedding has arthritis as well. She was one of the youth leaders when I was a youth in the church we used to attend. As a group we'd go to concerts and amusement parks and I always loved hanging out with her, but would prod her to come along with me to various places in the park, to just walk with me. Sometimes she was a sport and other times she'd wrap on her knees and tell me something along the lines of "Arthritis, need rest" at least that's all I'd remember. And now that I deal with it myself I feel the need to apologize to her for pushing her as much as I did. Yes, it's good to keep moving, but I'm sure I've made her feel bad about not being able to keep up with a kid (when I was a teen). If I had the understanding I have now, I would have just sat along side her and enjoyed the wonderful conversations we always have when we're together. Dear Liz, I miss you & I'm sorry I didn't just sit with you more.

On to another aspect of this topic. There needs to be real understanding awareness raised around society today. I think one of the biggest ignorance is when people assume that someone is lazy when they use a walker, cane, wheelchair, etc. They think that as long as all limbs are there and useable that any aid is just laziness. It's sad, if only they could see what life feels like with needing these things, maybe they'd think twice before making such a false and hurtful assumption. This issue happened to a teen who recently went to a drive up restaurant and was turned away because she used the handicapped spot. She rightfully has a placard and special drivers license, and yet they turned her away. You can read about it here. It's just a classic example of someone thinking "she looks young and fit, so they must be lazy and lying." And yet this young woman had every right to be there. I don't think it's an issue to boycott over, which is why I'm leaving the link to mention where this happened. I think the issue is with the employees who are ignorant. I do however think they have a case to make to corporate that those employees need to have some training or disciplinary action done. It's just sad that in a day and age where we're supposed to be so aware and accepting of so many things that when someone can prove their disability they are still denied the proper service they deserve.

Advocating for myself is hard...

Just to warn you, I've been writing this post all night. It's 4 AM now and I think it's OK for it to be published, but I'm sure when I'm more awake I'll see more things that should have been edited. Still, I'd rather not put off this post, so I'm clicking publish and leaving it at that.

A couple weeks ago I had such a horrible RA flair-up that I just went to the ER to get some relief from the pain. There is a triangular muscle group (Trapezius) in the back that goes up the neck and to the shoulders, and on my left side this muscle group felt like it was on fire, tight & stiff and the pain would not stop! (on the right too, but more so on the left) I lost loads of sleep. The morning I went to the ER I hadn't slept except maybe an hour or two. After Kevin left for work I napped a little bit but a short time later I couldn't keep asleep, it kept waking me up. So I took an hour and a half to get dressed, and I bandaged my arm up in a make shift sling because the weight of my arm was too much on my back. Then I called Kevin to beg for some way to get to the ER. I certainly couldn't drive. He called our friend from church, Juliet, and she kindly came and picked me up and drove me to the ER. Kevin got a ride to the ER from a friend of his from work. So I spent the rest of the morning, and a little bit around noon waiting to see the ER doctor. He prescribed me pain medications because my current doctor doesn't give me anything for severe pain. He told me to see my doctors after some rest for further treatment.

Kevin made me an appointment for my Rheumatologist and I got the appointment relatively quick. She reacted very negatively to hearing that the ER doc prescribed me pain meds and said something along the lines of we don't do that here. Ah, Whatever! I needed relief and rest, I was grateful for it! It was the very thing I needed to get through that very painful flair up, which I'm thankful is done!

For the last few months my feet have become (a) HUGE (issue)! I literally can only wear three pairs of shoes, and one of the pairs are getting to be too snug, if the edema on the tops of my feet keep swelling at the rate they've been, I'll be down to one pair of flip flops and maybe showing up barefoot to certain places before too long. I'm not happy about this. When I told my RA nurse a couple months ago she seemed to only be concerned about if it was causing me pain, which it really isn't so long as I'm barefoot. The tops of my feet are very tender and feel bruised if touched, but really that's it. So I spend all my time at home barefoot. Thank God it's summer and that's appropriate. But last month when I was visiting my cousin in Montana I was wearing flip flops in snow, and it seemed a bit ridiculous! I'm currently shopping around to find a pair of decent shoes (that I can dress up or down) that work with this edema. I know with RA I should have better shoes than the ones currently in my closet, but right now these swollen feet are (literally) pressing the matter to happen sooner rather than later. I've been to several shoe stores and have yet to find something that works. After payday I hope to go to a specialty shoe store and see what I can find. Back when I did the arthritis walk I got a business card for a shoe store in Everett that seems promising, so I hope to go there soon.

Back in the start of April I submitted a records transfer request to send my records to a different clinic that I hope to start using. They have 6 Rheumatologists in one place so I believe there will be someone who will listen and help me there. Anyway, the current place never transfered the records. So I filled out the form again and when we went to my appointment last week I submitted ANOTHER in person. This still hasn't worked. I called the new place today and they still don't have anything. I'm going to call the current one in a few hours and see what they have to say.

I have a nurse advocate from our insurance company who calls to check up on me a couple times a year. She calls to make sure I'm getting the care I need. She made her latest call yesterday and asked about my arthritis and if I'm finding my treatment to be working. I told her all about this huge issue and she instantly jumped on board to help me. She's going to call me again in a week and if the records still aren't transfered she's going to call my current clinic to push them to do it! WOW! I'm so not used to fighting for myself, and honestly I've let this go two months simply because first I went on a trip to my cousin's house, then I had this flair up, and then after that my in-laws came to help with spring cleaning. The whole time I've wondered what I'd do about it, but have been distracted. Since they weren't doing it I thought about going back to my general practitioner and asking him to request my records be sent to him for my annual physical, and then to have his office transfer them... but I just haven't gotten around to that, and now I might not need to do that extra step. If this works I'll be very grateful. The pain I had for almost two weeks was some of the worst in my life, and it's really made me rethink things such that I can see now that I really should have better care than this from my doctors. Some of my closest friends who've been praying with me about this have been telling me that all along the way, but I'm so reluctant to stick up for myself, I don't know why.

At times I've asked about disability. I've chosen to not work for the last 4 years because I know my physical limits and I just can't do the 'daily grind' anymore. Sometimes this is really hard. I don't feel like I have much to talk about with others since I'm a disabled housewife. Every time I've ever brought up the idea of disability to my current doc I've been told things along the line of "no, we want you to keep moving as much as possible." Now I'm not seeking disability status to claim monetary benefits. I don't have enough work credits to qualify for it anyway. But there are days where I must run errands and then because of all the walking I end up sleeping for a couple days after that, or up all night that night with cramps and pain. I know that if I could have that closer parking spot sometimes, I could save a bit of energy that I need to not over exert myself and still be able to do more later. I am all for walking as much as I can when I know I'm doing well, and I willingly will park far to have a nice walk if I'm up to it, but on the other days I tend to wait for Kevin to get home so we can go out together so I can be dropped at the door while he parks, or to wait in the car. It's pitiful. A couple nights ago we went to the movies (Saw the latest Night at the Museum movie, that was a lot of fun!) and afterwards we went to Safeway to buy another 5 gallons of water. Well, after sitting in the movie theater chair for the whole movie, I started having a hard time walking again, so I stayed in the car, as I often do, while Kevin ran in. As I was waiting I saw a woman of similar build as me, who was walking in the same stiff gait as I was and she had parked in the closest handicapped spot. I got to thinking about how in those few seconds I saw of her life that she and I probably share the same affliction and that whatever her journey was to it, she had a doctor on her side who put her in disability status and she had her placard. I noticed she was maybe a decade older than me, but probably not any more than that, and I pondered if it was an age thing, is it just simply harder for younger people to make the case that they need certain helps? But then I got to thinking about my issues with this clinic and having to go to the ER for pain management, and how none of this was quiet right and I really got to thinking, I NEED TO GET ON PEOPLE'S cases about all this. I was also empowered by reading this blog post about winning one's disability case and really learned a lot, the key being that to win your case you need to not spend as much time proving ones illness, but proving how it impacts your life and why/what it limits you. I got to thinking about how it's not intentional, but I tend to downplay this issue a lot. I rattle off quickly the list of ailments, but I don't talk about the dishes that fill the sink, counter, and floor near it (now no longer an issue, for now, thanks so much to the loving help from my mother in law! I'm proud to say so far I'm keeping it up too!) or the carpets that haven't been vacuumed in ages, or the rest of the list of house chores I put off because I can't do them, or that get backlogged because I just can't do as much as I once had. I realized these are the things I do need to yell to a doc about!

In a month and a half I turn 30. My goal for my birthday is to have a good pair of shoes, a new appointment set up at the new office, discuss disability status, and start seriously shopping for the walker I know I could use on my worst of days. A year or so ago I just got fed up one day and bought myself a cane in the grocery store. I use it maybe a day or two a week, but I'm in no means dependent on it. The doctor I currently see wasn't going to recommend it because she wanted me to move through the stiffness and not be dependent on devices. The problem being that when I need it, before I had it, I WOULDN'T move around AT ALL and now with it I CAN! And I know this will be true with a walker too. I won't need it every day. I'll have my days with nothing, and I'll have my days with a cane, and I'll have my days with a walker, and all of it will be so I AM able to keep moving! Right now I have my good days where I can move rather freely, and then my days where I need the cane, and then days were standing for more than a few seconds is painful and trying, it's for those days that I plan on having a walker. This should help me keep up better around the home, and hopefully keep me from missing as much church as I have from time to time. I'm hoping my new doc will be on board with me regarding this.

If you're curious about what this latest flair up looked like, here is my pain map. I'm glad I save myself a copy. to get a better view of it, right click the image and open in a new tab.

You're lying by not complaining!

What is wrong with you!? No, really? Are you wearing a happy face mask, but inside feeling like no one could care two cents about you? Who's fault is it really if you pretend for others that everything is OK when you're hurting so deep and wishing someone would listen? If you don't open up & speak up you can't fairly expect anyone to know what you are dealing with. Unless you happen to know of some legitimate mind readers or something (I jest.)

My house is a mess. I'm not upset about this (terribly) and it's not going to hurt me. I'm not telling anyone to do anything about it. And I'm not making excuses for myself by saying this. It is however at the forefront of my thinking. I'm a housewife with chronic illness. Most days I see everything around me that needs to be done and plan things out in my head, but actually making a dent in the list? Nope, and if I do, I pay for it the next day. This is the reality of my life. If you don't know me, you can just stop reading now. BUT chances are you do know someone with chronic illness so maybe it's worth it for you to continuing reading on.

I want to know where the idea that Christians aren't to complain comes from? I will whole heartedly agree that the manner in which it is said, and the heart of the matter is of high importance, but where does the idea of this false happy mask fit with a truthful heart? How then, are we to know what each-others burdens are to bear them for each-other? I can stay holed away in my home for weeks on end, could be playing guitar hero all day ignoring the world (sinful defiance), or I could be laying in bed in pain (needy). How would anyone know unless they ask? And how can I be truthful unless I honestly say when I'm struggling?

My wonderful husband set up my foot spa for me today. It wasn't a matter of seeking luxury, but a matter of getting the cramp in my foot to stop long enough for me to stand at least a little bit. We struggled to find the salt and he carried the water to the couch, bringing me a towel and flip flops to wear afterwards too. Then when I was done he took the spa to the bath to dump it out. Do you care anything about this? Well, maybe it sounds like complaining (and lots of needless details) to some, or maybe to others it shows just how sweet my dear husband is, and how grateful I am for the little ways he loves & cares for me. My feet still hurt. But my heart is full with love because of the compassion my husband shows me. Living out our marriage vows to love in sickness and in health is something he has shown great integrity about. I am so blessed by this continually. How do you know this? Because I have a cramp in my foot.

At church I was TIRED! I got maybe 4 hours of sleep. I wish it was for something fun like reading too late, or playing video games or watching movies. But it was from washing dishes and running errands, and then tossing and turning all night from pain. Wishing I could sleep, knowing that in the morning I'd be tired. Why is this important? Because when I get this tired I know I'm not as good of a friend. I know I'm not as interactive, social, or listening. You could tell me wonderful stories, but I won't remember simply because the sleep debt robs me of brain cells as my body is in standby mode to power down. And that's what happened today. I sat with wonderful friends, didn't really say much of anything, and then went home. I know we talked, but I can't remember much. And I feel so bad for that. These people deserve better than that. If I could change something about my sleep issues I would in a heart beat, and all because I want to be a better friend. I don't want people to read that and think my point is about the sleep issue, but about why I might not recall something that a good friend would, and I could be that person for them. My hope would be that by sharing this I can promote understanding.

I have this huge need and drive to be truthful, honest, and straightforward. If I sense someone asking me how I'm doing and they look a little concerned I tend to tell them. Maybe I shouldn't. But isn't omission in itself a type of lie? If I'm not fine, but put on a happy face and not let anyone else think other wise, am I not in-fact lying? Which is worse? To be seen as needy or to commit a sin of false testimony?

What does this mean to others? I DO want to know how you are when life sucks, don't hide it. Maybe there are ways I CAN help, or know someone who can! And I bet with talking it out we can come up with the blessings in it if we pray and dig. When you have something sad, don't feel like there is no one you can talk to. All that will do is make matters worse.

The reason I share on here what I do is in hopes that others will be made aware of what life is like dealing with this chronic illness stuff. In some ways I sometimes still have to teach myself that life is different. I had energy and did all sorts of stuff yesterday, and now everything is all out of whack again today. If I'd just remember to pace myself I wouldn't feel like I have the flu right now. And I'm not sick with anything contagious, just that my disease activity is, well, active. I over did it. My body is inflamed, and it's letting me know in the way my body likes to communicate the matter, pain. This is hard to describe because it sounds like weak muscles or the first couple days after a new workout program. The problem is I do exercise, always have, but the way a disease like RA works is sometimes it robs me of strength and other days I feel fine and capable. One day a simple task is no problem, the next day putting on shoes feels like an olympic event. As I live through it, I wish sometimes that I had learned from someone what life is like dealing with all this before hand. Before I had to start taking stock of what all I put my energies to. So I wouldn't feel so blindsided by some of it now that I'm dealing with it. Not that I'd ever wish chronic illness on anyone, but if it is something that must enter the life of someone I know, I'd hate for them to feel like they had no idea what any of this is like. And in some ways a lot is stuff that only someone who lives it can know.

It's kind of like this. I've never given birth, so I can't assume to know what carrying a child and giving birth is like. But I've heard so many stories and seen so many pregnant ladies over the course of my life. If I were to someday become pregnant I think there are some things I'd know ahead of time as a result. And I'd be grateful to all the ladies before me who taught me what it was like dealing with the months they were pregnant. And the things they went through bringing their children into the world. But had no one told me anything, and I did give birth, I think it'd be safe to say I'd probably be a bit dismayed that no one ever told me anything about what it was like. I'm sure there would be things I'd be going through that would make me think, "Someone should tell others what this is like!" And that's all the reason I mention things sometimes. Honesty and education.

Here's hoping my fellow chronic illness friends have a pain free day, and if they can't, that they can still see some reason for hope beyond it.

Arthritis Campaign- Tulsa OK

I have RA, AS, and OA.... I've had these for a few years already and I'm not even 30 yet. If I ever hear another person tell me I'm too young to have arthritis it'll be too soon!

Weird dream!

OK, YES, it is 3:00 PM and I'm blogging about a dream I JUST woke up from... I've been dealing with very bad sleep lately due to depression and arthritis pain. So I'll take all the sleep I can get, when I can get it.

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In my dream I just had I was having a cooking party. Everyone was bringing their own containers, recipes, and ingredients. We were all supposed to bring food enough to make a 12 serving dish. Each person/group/couple was assigned a different part of the menu and everyone came from all over the state representing their favorite recipes.

I had posted this party on a site like Craig's list or Yahoo, thinking I wouldn't get anyone to come, but giving it a try anyway. Turns out I had quite the crowd! there were several couples, a few families, and several singles. All brought amazing meal plans, amazing ingredients, got along well with everyone else, had fun sharing together, and I got on my way making my own food preparations. Before I was finished I noticed everyone else had already finished and were now on their way to splitting up their dishes to share with everyone. I felt under pressure to get mine done. I was baking cornbread and making a corn salsa. The salsa I could rush, but not the baking. So I was growing restless and impatient. I started to try and mingle with the people who were now gearing up to leave. I tried handing out communication cards asking people to fill them out to let me know if they wanted to do this again, many did so I bought myself a little time. I saw one woman sitting on the couch trying to squeeze the wrong sized lid on a piece of Tupperware she had brought. I explained to her as I gave her one of my own right fitting lids that she was putting a lid for a 3 cup container on a 4 cup container, that I used to sell Tupperware so I have extra and would just trade so her food would get home fine. She seemed to appreciate that. As I was getting the lid from the kitchen I noticed that several of the ladies actually were still inside and that it was just the guys that had gone out to the vehicles, they were putting the food away to make more room, and to take care of that while the ladies cleaned up. I started sheepishly saying they didn't need to do that. I'd get to it after the party. They start speaking up about how they had to keep washing everything as soon as they got here because there was a sink full of dirty dishes and nothing clean for them to use. I was puzzled because in the dream everything was laid out ready to go (in real life I never could do this party in my kitchen because I do regularly have a sink full of dishes.) And then some of the older ladies start speaking up in detest about how awfully dirty some of them are & were. I start stammering. I'm trying to explain that I really thought I was healthy enough to host this party, and had cleaned before everyone came. As I'm trying to explain and stammer I'm feeling every part of my body that deals with arthritis get really painfully arthritic. I grab for the back of the couch to hold myself up as I feel both attacked by my guests I've never met before, as well as my own body and arthritis. One of the older gentlemen speaks up as he's standing with his cane telling me that I'm too young to have arthritis, and starts chewing me out for being lazy and still expecting to be a hostess. I'm crushed. I sit down on the dining-room floor and cry, in pain, wishing he were true. Knowing that is what many, even experienced people think of me. Everyone is out at their cars loading up the last bits, aside from one lady who is sitting in the kitchen on my barstool by my stove. I think at this point she's the only one left who knows anything about my cornbread. She's sitting there peacefully taking in the smell and happily anticipating taking it out for me as I'm sitting there on the dinning-room floor (just a side note, sitting on the floor directly is excruciatingly painful for me, so how I was doing this in my dream I don't know, but I was in pain in the dream, so maybe I felt too emotionally crushed to care.) The timer for the bread stops and I come out of my emotional fog and get up to help the lady pull it out of the oven and spilt it up into 6 different portions into sheets of aluminum foil. As I'm watching her and seeing that she's gracefully taking care of it and I'm not really needed right here I start looking around to see the various communication cards thrown around. Amazingly and happily filled out with people who loved the drive out to my place, loved the menu idea, and hoped to join me for this again. Most only put an e-mail address, but I was fine with the positive remarks. As I was picking up the cards I noticed that someone had left a Christmas reindeer antlers headband on the couch and I remembered that someone's dog was wearing them as people joked around and made merry while they waited for things to cook. I grabbed the headband and asked the lady if that was her dog's and she says no, but she'll take it to them. She's walking towards me at this point and has a bundle of the wrapped cornbread in her arms. Somehow without loosing the balance of holding them all she grabbed the headband from me and walked outside to everyone else. She gracefully distributes the bread, and puts the headband on the dog again. Everyone laughs. The owner thanked her saying he "though he lost it somewhere in her (my) mess!" Graceful lady pointed to me and said "She found it." and the man waved to me sheepishly, but thankfully. A couple of the ladies who've been mingling outside come back towards me to tell me in person just how much they loved the party, the drive out to my place, and that they'd hope I'd host another next month. I said "...sure, and I'll try to be better prepared then." They didn't care. They just wanted the experience again. One lady said "we all took care of most of it anyway." So I felt a little better about the events, but I was leaning hard on my cane as I was watching people drive off and waiting to go back inside and collapse and cry a bit more. As there was one car left, a tall skinny man in worn out clothes said it really was a good party and not to dwell on what this mean old man said. He handed me a stack of pictures that showed that most of these people went to the same church a ways down in the state, and he said I could keep the pictures with the communication cards. Then he asked me where the best place to get liquor was around here. Kevin asked "store or bar". The man said "bar" and we said we didn't know, but that the one just in town certainly seems popular. He started his motorcycle and drove off towards town. His portion of food expertly tucked into a cooler strapped to the back of his bike. I stood on the lawn looking through the photos. Some were Christmas photo cards of the of couple families. Several were of the graceful lady standing by her church's organ with different quilted tapestries behind her on the wall in different shots. It made me think she sewed all the different ones as gifts to her church for the different times of the year. I thought even more highly of her on that, and saw her as even more nurturing, patient, and graceful. I saw a few of just the guys shoveling down plates of food around a long white plastic folding table. Completely unaware of their women standing behind them watching on. I saw another where the mean older man was standing in the middle of some of the guys and they were all around him in a circle and he was in the middle of the shot wagging his finger at the camera. And I saw one of the other man with his dog and the silly headband on it. I tucked the cards and photos into my pocket with this new understanding that most everyone there already knew each other, and yet they all treated me in such different ways. I thought about how I made a new friend in the graceful lady and was thankful she was apart of the group, and hoped I could figure out which card went with her. I came back inside to see that the house smelled amazingly like a wonderful banquet. The table was set and food on it hot. Not a dish in the sink or on the stove that needed tending to, and the love of my life sitting at the table ready to say a prayer over the meal and relax over food with me. I sat to eat just after grabbing the medications I need to have with food. Relieved it all was over, but still shook up by how differently people from the same group treated me.

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I don't know why the start and end were so peaceful and the middle so insulting and chaotic. I think maybe my pain that I was feeling in my sleep was messing with what would have normally been a nice dream otherwise. And I know that having such a party without a hitch would be a dream, something I could never pull off in real life because of the state my kitchen always is in due to my arthritis slowing me down all the time.

I know I am deeply wounded any time someone mentions to me that I'm "too young to have arthritis" I can agree that I myself feel to young to have osteoarthritis, but rheumatoid arthritis, and ankylosing spondylitis are generally diseases that effect people in their early-middle adult years. Knowing this doesn't do much to shield my heart sometimes though. Especially when it's someone who one would imagine that years has made them wiser.

So to my readers. After reading this (if you could follow all of it) do you think of any further analysis? Do any of you like to dabble in dream interpretation? I'd really love to know if anyone else has any further insight to this dream.

I did wake up feeling awful. I'm tried to eat a plate of nachos I microwaved just to get something inside me, but it was not appealing. I'm now towards drinking a glass of milk to not feel hungry, but I had done that before falling asleep, & I know I need to eat something nutritious... I just feel so worn out, and that's after having slept all day.

Does anyone know of any good dream interpretation books?

The never ending pain in the back.

I'm still on the fence about switching to a different rheumatology clinic. I went to the one I've been going to on Friday, the nurse practitioner ordered a ton of lab work as well as another MRI, this time on my lower back.

The lab work came back saying that I am not HLA-B27 +, but that genetic marker only pertains to 90% of caucasians with A.S., and I' not 100% caucasian anyway. So it's information, but doesn't really tell us anything. For African American's that genetic marker is only present in about half of the patients with A.S. so there are other genes that contribute to this that just are not known of yet.

My inflammation present in my blood was slightly elevated (as always) and the labs also revealed that I am dangerously low in Vitamin D. I'm to restart taking those supplements as well as now having a prescription dose to take once a week. I need to greatly increase my milk consumption as I know I do best when I drink more milk. This explains a great deal as to why I've gotten every little (& big) cold and flu that's gone around this winter.

I don't know the results of my MRI yet, but will see the nurse in two weeks to go over them. I hate waiting.

The MRI appointment was very frustrating. The technician had no bedside manners. When she asked what my ailment was that brought me in she seemed like she really didn't care what my answer was. And when I replied Rheumatoid arthritis, ankylosing spondylitis she replied with "You're awfully young to have that." To which I just didn't reply anything to her, other than "Well it hits in my family pretty early" I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that? Keep in mind RA effects women in the prime of their lives. I'm almost 30 and this is exactly the age most women with RA start to show symptoms. I've being medically treated for this for the last 3 years, I've got loads of lab work and improvement from medication to back this up, and she wants to stand in front of me and tell me I'm too young? What the heck, that's no comfort. And what does she know anyway, she's a radiology technician, not a rheumatologist!

So the next thing is that she has me get on the table to go into the machine, and she starts explaining to me about this vice looking attachment that is part of the cameras for the MRI machine, and how I'll need to lay on it too. So I give it a shot, trusting her, but thinking - "I'm doing this for my lower back, not my upper spine - this doesn't quite make sense. Anyway, so she tries putting me in the machine and asks if I'm doing OK, I had mentioned at the start that I can sometimes feel claustrophobic, but that I've done OK with getting an MRI scan before. As I'm in there with this vice on my head I can't breath at all. So I let her know that. She curtly asked me after she got me out if it was claustrophobia or something else. I tried explaining to her that the device around my head was pushing my shoulders to push my arms up over my chest when inside and that I couldn't breath from that. To which she replied "I'll have to talk to the radiologist." And she left me laying there waiting. When she came back she said I could do one of two things, have an open MRI that I'd have to reschedule for, or go ahead and try it here without the camera. As if she's responding to it still being a claustrophobia thing. So I said lets give it a try here without the camera and then when I went in I was fine. My arms were able to be down by my side and I could breath normal in there.

While I was in the machine I kept expecting to get updates on how much longer things where going to be. I was in the same machine I was a year ago so I recalling how the other tech was then. That gal kept telling me every 10-15 minutes a time update, which made it a lot easier to handle. I brought my own CD with me because last time I chose a CD from their list and it was a bad idea, the music started to make me freak out. My dear sweet cousin Tracy sent me a couple CD's as a surprise and they came the day before. So I was looking at the total play time and thought this would be perfect. Music I know I'd want to listen to, as well as it being a little bit longer than the estimated time I was told to be in the machine. As I got to the last song she called into me over the speaker saying that the radiologist wanted to do to more scans before I came out, so this all was going to be an additional 20 minutes longer. I said OK thinking the CD would start again from the beginning but it didn't. So between the last couple scans I squeezed my communication ball to speak up and let them know the music stopped. Nothing. So I figured they just wanted to keep going and didn't bother speaking up another time, but it kind of bugged me. I ended up spending the last 15 minutes in the machine counting minutes in my head.

Then when she came back in to get me out, she didn't say a thing. As I was trying to get back up off the table she says, "You can get up now, you don't need to keep laying there." What the heck, I'm struggling to get off, my arms are flailing as I'm trying to shift my weight and counteract the stiffness from laying there for over an hour. I said "I'm trying..." and she turned around to watch but didn't offer any help. Oh, and I should probably mention I was using my cane and had my cane with me. It just was really frustrating all around. At least it's done, now I can find out what my nurse thinks in a few weeks. I pray the scans are informative.

This new nurse is pretty good. She gave me the results of my last MRI which I had only been given a summery of. I'm glad she did too because now I can make copies and carry it to my other specialists as I need to see an endocrinologist and last years MRI showed my ovarian cysts as well as showing that my right ovary is enlarged. I only knew it mentioned my cysts, but not that it said how many were visible, the size of them, or that I was in-fact dealing with an enlarged ovary. I wonder if this recent scan will give more information along those lines. I'm certain my new endocrinologist will want to know these details of my PCOS.

Anyway, so that is my frustrating ordeal with the MRI scan I had done this week. I'm glad I don't need these all the time. I'm glad too for the times when I do get medical professionals who are courteous and kind. But I've got to say that I was so frustrated by the whole ordeal this last time that when I got home I had such a headache I just laid down with a cold towel on my head and cried, & I was thinking about how ridiculous it was for me to be frustrated because I'm the patient, I should be helped, but whatever, at least it's over with. I've avoided writing about it because I don't want to be upset by it. But I do think it needs to be recorded that how a patient is treated is a big deal and she blew it. Especially for those of us with chronic illness. We have to go to so many appointments and have so many procedures done, so when someone is rude it doesn't just feel bad, but it says something about our illness(s) and adds to the stress of having a disease or ailment.

Maddie has hyperthyroidism.

Our poor cat Maddie has had a rough week. The last several months she's been loosing weight and sleeping more even with still eating and drinking and using the litter-box fine.

Friday she vomited white liquid and I knew something really wasn't right. Kevin bought a box of canned food from Costco and we've been feeding her that, which seems to agree with her stomach better. She did OK during the weekend but on Monday couldn't keep anything down, and her breath and puke smelled really bad.

Monday was very stressful for both Maddie and I because while she was sick the power and internet were out, and the first time she puked she got it all over herself so I had to give her a bath in the sink, in a dark bathroom. The picture is of her all toweled up after her bath. You can tell she's unhappy, but trusting I'm doing right by her. The second time she puked, she was using her whole body so hard to do it that she choked on it and stopped breathing for a few seconds. I had to grab her and massage her to breathe, it was like the force knocked the wind out of her. I think that's what freaked me out the most and told me this wasn't normal cat regurgitation of hair-balls, but that she was sick and needed the vet.

Monday started out bad for me, with the internet going down, followed an hour or so later with the power going out too. I still don't know why these things happened, but the internet was down most of the day, and the power was out for several hours. We have VOIP for our home phone, so with both being down (heck even when it's just one or the other) I wasn't able to use the home phone. I tried several times to text and call Kevin, but his phone was off so I was growing more frustrated not knowing why I hadn't heard back from him. I finally got so upset after her second round of major puking that I called his number at work to speak to him. He was surprised as he didn't know his phone was off, and agreed that Maddie needed to see the vet. So I immediately called and took her in an hour later.

I took her to the vet and we had several tests of lab work done to find out what's going on. So far the diagnosis is that she has hyperthyroidism. She had a fever while we were there, and was badly dehydrated, so she's on antibiotics now, and was given a large injection of fluids. It seemed they doubled her weight when we were done there! She's perked up some with the fluids and antibiotics, but still needs to be put on medications for her hyperthyroidism. We're trying to figure out how we can pay for her now extra expenses as she'll need these meds for the rest of her life.

She knows I'm taking care of her too. Normally she's pretty aloof, but lately has been following my every move. Mostly hoping I'll keep giving her more food, which she hasn't run out of, but feeling how she does she's concerned that she always have enough. She's currently eating a whole can all by herself everyday! As well as having all the kibble and water she wants available to her.

She's a good cat, and we don't want to give up on her. We want to give her the best life possible, as much as we can. She may be a grouchy girl, but she's ours, we love her, and she's very intelligent, and we respect that about her. We're hoping with these medications that she'll continue to improve and will have more time with us, she deserves that. She's our little girl, and we've had her all of our 9 years of marriage.

Siggy is being trying as he's not getting as much attention as he's used to. So he's doing many naughty things. We have our printer on the very top of the entertainment center so that it's out of the way, and while I was printing an invoice the other day I heard this loud clashing sound. I ran out of the office to the living-room to see what the heck happened and found Siggy on the top of the entertainment center about 6 feet above the ground, trying to steal the printer paper! After getting my picture I had to climb up and pull him down as he wasn't listening about getting down. I was very frustrated. Today he's been a bit better behaved. But I think that's just because we've been letting him in the bedroom while we sleep again, so he doesn't feel so neglected. But we can't do that all the time either. I hope that as she perks back up they will get back to playing together more again and that his behavior will improve.

Right now she's in her bed grooming herself and purring. She seems really content, and that makes me so happy. Since going to the vet she hasn't puked at all, which I know both her and I are very thankful for. Now that she's doing a bit better I need to get the steam cleaner out and clean all the spots in the carpet from Friday and Monday. I'm so thankful I have my own steam cleaner. The only problem for me is actually getting it done. My hips and back are causing me immense pain. And my legs are weak. Stress always adds to my daily arthritis pain & stiffness. Additionally the weather has been changing a lot again, and the barometric shifts really are murder on my joints. Even still I was able to ride my stationary bike for almost 4 miles this week. I think I need to take a break though so this doesn't turn into a major flare. I'm already dealing with a lot of pain while at rest. I have an appointment to see my nurse rheumatologist on the 6th and am trying to tough it out with just Tylenol alone as I've run out of meds before then. I'm using my cane a lot to get around, and really wishing I had already bought a walker as it would be a lot more useful right now. Tomorrow I'm just going to rest. It seems like that's working for Maddie, so maybe I'll have a chance now too.

Injections for arthritis.

No medication out there is free of side effects, and, unfortunately, no disease is free of side effects if left untreated. This is where my doctors and I made the choice that with how rapidly fast my symptoms were growing, that putting me on injections for my arthritis made sense.

I run risks by taking it, but the ability to move again, even if it's not full ability, is a marvelous reward. During the fall I had three months where I was going from one cold to another, and then another. I can't inject during these times because I run the risk of having pneumonia, or another type of bad infection. I have to take every precaution when I get cuts to avoid bad infections, and I have a special prescription for antibiotic ointment. So far the ointment has worked well, as does keeping the house stocked with oranges. The three month cold worried me, mostly because I couldn't inject though. While the colds were bothersome, they were just colds. The effects I was feeling from arthritis though were at times beyond bearable. About once a week I wasn't able to get out of bed, and spent much of the time walking with my cane. A few weeks ago I was able to inject again, and thankfully I haven't gotten any more colds. I had a small little infected sore above my ear, but just with some Bert's Bee's remedy, I've cleared that up and it's healing. I'm very thankful. I just got my second injection tonight, and looking back to a few weeks ago, I can definitely tell the difference. My back still wrenches up, and my hips still click, but I can move freer and my periods of sever inflammation are a lot less. Controlling the inflammation is key, because the inflammation is what does joint and tissue damage. I need to get it under control more because I've lost a lot of muscle strength from the inflammation eating away my muscles. But it's a balancing act because if I work too hard I can make the inflammation worse instead of better, that's what my physical therapist was telling me. R.A. is different then just working out a damaged area, it's an ongoing thing.

Today was the first time in a long time that going grocery shopping didn't totally wipe me out. I did pretty well! I was very pleased, especially considering how much of a task it was just a few weeks ago. I know it might not always be this way, but I'll take the benefit as long as I can.

Now my goal is to get more of the home in shape, to start pricing fencing, get some home maintenance things done and some other things to prepare for adoption. Fencing the property looks like it'll need to be top priority, safety measure from the state and all. I look forward to this being done, but I'm not sure just how soon it can happen yet.

I almost feel antsy, because of my ability to move better again. My strength and energy still is not like I was when I didn't have arthritis, but it's better than laying in bed wanting to will my body to move and not being able to. I'm anxious to get things done around the home. I feel like I'm ready for some Spring Cleaning, and it's only just the start of January. This is a very good thing. I need a head-start. I need to get stuff done while it's cold so that when it gets too hot to think straight I'll be able to sit and read a book and not feel so bad about things. 5 months, I might be able to do that, so long as I keep staying cold free and can continue to inject!

RA and PCOS

Doing a search for the two terms together I often find many message-board sites where women are trying to reach out with others to see just how previlent this combination is, and it is if you look at all the posts, but what I notice in all my searching is that there isn't much in the way of medical info about this.

* Both conditions are considered genetic.
* Both conditions have deep impacts on young women, in life changing ways.
* Both conditions are improved (BUT NOT CURED) by a low carb, high "good-fat" diet.
* Both conditions feed of of their own symptoms and often make treatment hard.
* Both have depression or dysthymia as a possible symptom.
* Both have increased fatigue as a frequent symptom.
* Symptoms of both diseases often leave the patient with feelings of loss, loneliness, and isolation. A strong sense of not being physically whole or well.

Because of these cross-overs, it's hard to think of one as completely separate from the other.

When I got my diagnosis of PCOS several years ago so much started to make sense. Almost all of my medical issues fell under one umbrella now, and the diagnosis gave way for treatment plans and medical understanding. I wasn't causing these things to myself, but my body was causing them to me. As a few forms of arthritis have crept up on me before I'm even in my 30's, I've had to wonder well, does this fit all together too? I mean I have various forms of arthritis on both sides of my family tree, so I've always been well aware that I'd develop some form of arthritis in my life, but never did I really think it'd turn out like this. So I search the net...

The following is probably the best article I've found to date trying to piece together things for those of us with both issues. It seems to me like this article just confirms what my symptoms and pain levels already tell me, that one issue feeds off of the other and presents itself sooner for those who are unfortunate enough to have both diseases in their family tree.

Health update.

So the last few weeks I've been pretty sick. Not really doing much of ANYTHING! I missed church twice. Last sunday I honestly was pouting in bed, trying to will my body to move, but to no avail. I so wanted to be at church, for whatever reason I had to stay home though. I was also dealing with on again off again fevers on the weekend.

My cold FINALLY feels like it's gone, which means I can inject again! I'm so thankful for that. But because it's been 5 weeks (it's normally 2 weeks) since my last injection, my arthritis is raging full force! My knees, back, hips, feet, hands, shoulders are all effected. Mostly my hips and hands and back. My hips keep making so much noise any time I move... it's kind of annoying.

I've had a few days where I've debated going to the ER to get something like vicoden, but really I can grin and bare most of it. And a lot of the pain and inflammation meds I do take, do take care of a lot. Right now I'm a hunch back though... the inflammation in my back and shoulders keeps slumping me over and down. I keep having to focus on sitting straight. It gets to be pretty painful.

I can't sit, stand, lay, or walk for very long... so I have to keep alternating between one or the other. I did make it to ladies fellowship a week and a half ago and by the end of the prayer I just couldn't stay seated anymore. I wanted to start pacing the floor or something, I just was so uncomfortable. I was really embarrassed by that. I always wonder if people think I'm rude for shifting or walking all the time, but if I don't the pain gets to where I can't think straight.

During the weekend when I was just sleeping and weak I didn't really have pain, for that I'm grateful, I had pain, but not like I do at this moment, taking the vitamins helped the energy issues but now pain is just out of control! I've been aggitated all morning. I cooked potato pancakes this morning, normally Kevin just makes himself oatmeal, but I felt like cooking this morning. I'm glad I did, we both enjoyed it, but sitting on my barstool felt like murder on my back, and then I'd try to stand and that felt like murder on my hips. I mostly sat and just enjoyed that I felt energy, but my hands are so horribly swollen. All puffy and watery. I'm back to icing them again, which gets frustrating.

I'm so amazed and thankful and grateful for my church family. There is SOOOO much that needs to happen at home. I'm still learning all the new ways I need to approach things, but these ladies have been so giving and so understanding and supporting. The prayer alone has been an amazing blessing. In the hardest parts of my disease I'd give anything to make it go away, but I know with out it, I wouldn't have need, and with this need I'm being blessed and I hope I'm blessing others. I hope that people can see that God is bigger than this burden of mine. That it's more than just being thankful for what others do for me, but that this shows the body of Christ at work, and all honor and glory goes to him, and not any one particular person.

I'm blessed beyond belief in how close this is drawing me into new and deepening friendships with some of the gals. I'm always a listening ear, and it's been wonderful to share and trust and pray.

Kevin was a work horse on laundry over the weekend. I'm so thankful to have a clean blanket on the bed! Simple joys! I need to kind of wrap this up because my fingers are very stiff. But I wanted to say that yes, I am in a lot of pain right now, but I'm thankful for friends, and for my Savior, and for my messy home that draws together the Body of Christ, oddly enough.

Back pain haiku

I've been productive today, but still in loads of pain. I'm looking for an orthopedic doctor, as well as physical therapist. Anyway, I thought maybe some creativity would put some humor to what I'm dealing with so here is my silly haiku, I don't think it's very great, but it was fun to work on. An outlet.

My Back Pain Haiku

Grit teeth, cringe, back pain
it never ends, always there
raw pain, kills my mind

So, what do you think? I'm a silly-head, huh!?