Faith and depression

Faith and depression is a topic I scheduled for today. And I know I won't be able to give it justice in the next few minutes before bed so I'm going to post a video from John Piper, and then post my response. I hope to revisit this topic later as I have MUCH to say about it being a dysthymic and a Christian.

I've greatly struggled with relating my depression to others, and I know that's true for anyone with depression, but I've found I think there is an additional difficulty when relating it to other Christians as so many focus on their joy in the Lord. And I certainly DO have my joy in the Lord. However, this sadly doesn't change what is chemically going on in my body both because of brain chemistry and chronic illness.



The following is my response to the video.
As someone who has dysthymia I feel the need to speak up in response here. Dysthymia is a very real and hard to diagnose depressive illness. It often goes undiagnosed and untreated because those around the sufferer don't see the depth of it all like they would with major depression. It still needs medical treatment and the help of a psychiatrist, both verbally and medically.
I mention all of this specifically because sometimes "Eeyore personality" is exactly the way to describe dysthymia.

Another viewer commented my post with affirmation saying;
"I second that.
Doesn't matter how much I pray, worship, or meditate on the bible, the dysthymia won't go away. It's like my mind is frozen. "

I do want to further clarify that I admire Pastor Piper for speaking on this matter. It is true that there are those who are unnecessarily medicated. I also know that my Christian faith has & continues to be the center of my treatment. My comment is to raise awareness about dysthymia through clarification; it is hard to diagnose & generalities can discredit the need for medicated treatment.

I then agreed with the person who responded to my post and said, 'I think you're right, it very much is like my mind is frozen (w/o treatment) too.'

Regarding mother's day; a message for those in ministry.

Mother's day has been the hardest day each year for me for the last decade. We found out about our infertility before being married because PCOS manifests itself with many other health issues that I then was seeking doctors advice about. It was hard to hear as an engaged woman I most likely would remain infertile. On the other hand it seemed a relief to know before marriage so we could firmly discuss this before making our vows and know deeper just what kind of commitment we were making to each other. And what a joy I've had remain in my heart when I learned the love of my life would want adoption just as much as I would.

Over the years it's been a very long journey for us to figure out what route of adoption we plan to pursue, and how we were going to prepare and save for it. Even now while in the process we have lots of questions, but we are boldly going forward knowing that we are being obedient to God by bringing into our lives a child who needs a home.

Because of years of studying fertility, infertility, pregnancy, miscarriage and other topics related to women's reproductive health - I've become passionate in teaching other women what I learn. Being pro-life, for me, isn't simply a political stance, but one rooted deeply in an understanding of when life begins and a deep desire to give just about anything to be able to know what pregnancy is like.

I find it mind boggling how anyone can request an abortion, or preform one. For the first I can only imagine it has greatly to do with misinformation. Knowing what it involves makes me grieve deeply for those lives lost. IF the mothers involved could only do what is best for THEIR body AND their child's no couple would have to deal with 9 years of waiting to grow a family as my husband and I have. This isn't a popular view. But sadly it's reality. There are lives out there that would be loved and wanted. There is no shortage of couples wanting children, just look at the high cost this country spends each year for fertility treatments and surgeries! But parenthood isn't only about raising a child that looks just like you and your spouse.

I'm tired of arguments about the less than 1% of hard cases, or the argument that women will still go get it done anyway. This only furthers the problem. The overwhelming majority of women who have this done do so with misinformation and limited information. They do it because a child is unwanted or inconvenient. Those performing abortions leave these women at high risks for cancers, depressions, and secondary infertility. And who looks out for them then? Who makes sure they aren't punished with a lifetime of regret, suicidal thoughts & depression?, Who makes sure they aren't punished with a lifetime of disease? Who is looking out to make sure they aren't later punished with infertility when the day does come that they want to have a child? Being "punished with a baby" is the wrong idea. Instead of putting these women at such a steep health risk why not look out for their long term health as well as to bless another family? Why is a woman to carry a child for 9 months and then placing the child for adoption such a bad thing? Because of social stigma? Because of what being pregnant in the workplace might mean? Because the woman might feel a sense of needing to become responsible with her life and care for that child? Those things may be hard, but that doesn't make them wrong.

This post isn't meant to be a post about abortion though. It's a post about motherhood. I simply want to bring into focus too that many women suffer greatly and deeply around mothers day for many reasons. Women who've had and regret abortions are only a portion. Women like myself dealing with infertility are just another portion. And unmarried women too. Our lives prevent us from living out our dreams of being included in mother's day.


The following is a very important letter that I want all to read

Dear Pastor,

It's almost Mother's Day again. They seem to come so quickly. I'm sure you are planning a very special service for all of the mothers. I know that it is such a special day for them, and I do not want to spoil anyone's joy. It is important for all of us to rejoice with each other, and even those of us who are not mothers can give thanks for those who are mothers.

All I ask is that you remember that this day can be extremely difficult for a number of members in our congregation. For women like me who struggle with infertility, Mother's Day can be the most painful day of the year. I've thought about staying home, but I know I need to be in God's house.

The most challenging part of the service is when all the mothers stand and the congregation smiles and applauds them. It feels awful to be the only one still sitting. I want to be able to stand with them. I want more than anything in this world to be a mother. It's something I have always wanted. I have carried children, but they were taken before they were ever born. I do have children in heaven, but I'm not a mother in the eyes of those here on earth.

So, on Mother's Day I often go home and cry, not quite able to understand why I am unable to become what so many in the church consider to be "God's highest calling"...a mother.

It is not only the un-mothers who feel lonely on this day. It must also be a painful day for single women who have never married, for mothers who have lost children, and for moms who have sons or daughters wandering from
the Lord.

As Mother's Day approaches, I pray that you will remember that it is not only a day of rejoicing for some, but a day of painful reminders for others. I know that God will help you to be a blessing to our congregation as you minister to us on this Mother's Day.

Anonymous

When there is no words, pray.

Today I'm praying for those effected by child loss, miscarriage, and infertility. Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. It's a day that I think gets lost in the shuffle of an entire month devoted to breast cancer awareness. It's also a day that is for a topic many are uncomfortable ever talking about. Too much pain, or they don't want to isolate themselves, or they fear hurting others. No matter what, it's important for these suffering women and couples to know that they are not alone. To know that a quarter of all pregnancies are lost to miscarriage and that there are people out there who will listen and pray with you if you need to talk.

So often in this day and age we feel we need to have some wise words of wisdom to make someone stop hurting, but the sad truth is we as humans are limited and incapable of this. This is where my response is to pray. To allow myself to be open to the support God would have me be. I know I've failed supporting some of my friends who've suffered this loss, that I'm sure they feel like they need more. What I know they need is healing and prayer is how I'm best able to help. Please know that for each of you I pray God continues to heal your hearts and that someday you can feel OK again, and again love the gifts and joys that are in your life currently. Grief is never an easy thing, it takes many different forms, and we are not meant to grieve alone.

For now I want to close with some scripture that has been dear ro my heart recently.

Romans 12:5 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace."

Pain causing pain - considering Cymbalta.

Right now I'm dealing with my pain (lack of management) causing my depression to spiral deeper and the two keep feeding off of each other. On Sunday I couldn't get out of bed. My sleep has been completely disrupted, getting a few hours here and there, any time day or night, and feeling like a zombie the rest of the time. I will make an appointment with my Rheumatologist once I can get past how foggy I am right now. I'm going to ask if I need to add Cymbalta to my medications since I haven't been able to take Prozac in a while and not medicating my depression is starting to take it's toll on me again. The last time I was treating it was last summer while Tony cat was sick and I continued a couple months after he passed away, but eventually the dizzy spells and migraines from it became too much so I just stopped. I know I shouldn't have, that I should have asked a doc to switch me, but I'm so sick of appointments I've just been avoiding some because I feel like going to appointments would become a full time job right now if I did, I'm already out of the house for physical therapy twice a week right now, and that's taxing.

Anyway, from what I keep reading, Cymbalta is the anti-depressive of choice for those with chronic physical pain issues and depression too.

The majority of my pain is in my back these days. I think physical therapy is working well for my hips, but that my back is either getting worse or is more noticeable with the hips not being as much of an issue. The back pain is keeping me from sleep. I feel like someone kicked me in the back and now it's all achey and stiff. Or like I have a lead pipe around my spine. I'm suffering limited balance and limited range of motion and I'm find myself leaning on counters and using my cane more even though my hips are a bit better. (Bursitis anyway, still dealing with Osteoarthritis and labral tears there, that only changes with surgery.)

Because this makes sleeping impossible, the lack of reparative rest makes my head foggy, pain more intense, and depression worst. The following is something I found because I was wondering what, if any, information might be out there in regards to A.S./R.A. and depression. I found that, like a lot of other forms of depression women are effected more than men. Kind of interesting that they could monitor that considering males are diagnosed with A.S. more than women, but according to the Spondylitis Association of America those statistics are changing.

Here is what I read;

Wiley InterScience

Depression has been established as a common reaction to rheumatoid arthritis but has rarely been investigated among people with other forms of arthritis. The present study examined the prevalence and determinants of depressive symptoms in people with ankylosing spondylitis, focusing on gender differences and set in the context of widely held medical views concerning the psychosocial nature of ankylosing spondylitis patients. Results showed that approximately one third of the ankylosing spondylitis patients reported a high level of depressive symptoms and that women reported more depression than men. No evidence was found to support the stereotype of the typical ankylosing spondylitis patient as being less depressed than people with other forms of arthritis. Pain was found to be a major determinant of depression for women, but was of lesser importance for men.

Depression in Women - Spondylitis Association of America;

People with chronic diseases are more prone to develop major depression. In fact, a British study showed that 37% of people with spondylitis suffer at least one bout of depression during a lifetime. Fortunately, more than 80 percent of people with depression can be treated successfully with medication, psychotherapy or a combination of both.

Women experience depression at roughly twice the rate of men, although it is an illness that affects both sexes. Contrary to popular belief, depression is not a "normal part of being a woman" nor is it a "female weakness". Researchers continue to explore how issues unique to women may contribute to the increased rate of depression. Such issues include reproductive, hormonal, genetic or other biological factors; abuse and oppression; interpersonal factors; and certain psychological and personality characteristics.

About one in every eight women can expect to develop clinical depression during their lifetime. Depression occurs most frequently in women aged 25 to 44 (Note: when a women is most likely to begin feeling the symptoms of spondylitis), and depression in women is misdiagnosed approximately 30 to 50 percent of the time.

So all this being said, I'm trying to get out of my fog. Finish up my physical therapy in the next couple weeks, and make an appointment with my Rheumatologist to find out what my next step is with physical therapy, and to see about adding Cymbalta. Most likely I'll need a new script for physical therapy to this time work on my back. I also need to remember to get a new referral for an orthopedic surgeon. I had one in my purse, but I took it out when we went to California because I didn't want to loose it, and here I've gone and lost it! I've looked all over and just haven't been able to find it! A lot feels chaotic these days. So disorganized and frustrating. I'm hoping things will get better soon though.

I'm really just making this post to remind myself of all these things, to keep track of the information I've found and to remind me to share it at my next appointment. I'll be OK, I've pulled out of issues like this before.

infertility - my land of captivity

I've been battling in my head if I should post all of this or not, as I've been trying to post less personal things, but on the other hand this is something I feel needs to be shared. Something that is burdening my heart, and something I need others to understand.

There are two things in my life that seem to greatly alienate me from other women my age, and that's infertility and depression, and depression often feeds off of my infertility.

I feel this strong need to let others know just how badly this hurts, but on the other hand I don't want to bring people down, and I don't want to be told not to dwell on such things. If only I could life would be so much simpler.

Recently I found some old friends on-line, and when I do I usually like to dig out old photos to scan and share with them on-line. I was doing this again and these particular friends where from a time in my life when I was helping out with my mom's at home daycare quite a bit. Most all of the photos of me were with kids. Holding babies and pushing strollers, I was just a young teen, but I remember then thinking about how my hopes were to marry young and be a young mom, I did the marry young part, but my body had other plans. When those photos were taken they seemed natural and it looked like I'd enjoy life with kids from that moment on, but very sadly that hasn't been the case.

Lately I've been having dreams about holding our child in my arms. Usually she's about 2 or 3, chubby and with my dark features. She's a beautiful blend of the two of us. I never want to wake up from these dreams because I know during them that they're just dreams. I know when I wake up there will still be a messy quiet house with an empty nursery. I know that I'll wake up sad, feeling the sensations still seeming real, but fading as I wake. Depression and sadness filling that emptiness before I can even try to rationalize things as I become more awake.

The thing I keep hoping I can get across is the immense sense of loss this makes. Every time I wake up from these dreams it's as if I did have that baby and they have now passed away and are gone from me. It feels like a death, a death of someone I've never yet had to begin with. This sadness only grows the depression. And it starts afresh each time these dreams return. The process of grief keeps playing out only to start over all over again just when I feel like I have a handle on my emotions again.

I don't know why my life has always felt so certain to always include kids. I truly imagined that I'd be home-schooling children by now - not still waiting and hoping to open my arms to a child. I feel so horribly behind from what my dreams have been. I can't see how to make things happen when they just wont. I see my nephew and nieces get older and older, and wonder if they'll even care about my kids when and if we ever have them, or if by then they'll be too old to connect with our kids. These worries break my heart. I think about this with all our friends too, I see them all growing wonderful families and I wonder, by the time we have kids, will everyone be done? Will I be forced to meet new people and have more circles of friends just to insure that my kids will have someone to play with? I just can't understand why Kevin and I are left so far behind.

I'm tired of grieving, I want to wake up and know that the baby in my arms in my dreams is the same one in my house, but he or she still isn't here. It hurts like when my cat passed away, it hurts like when my grandpa passed away, it hurts like any other great loss... And yet only I have ever bonded with this child of my dream. Only I have seen the way they smile, the way they'd smell after a bath, the sound of their voice, only I've gotten to know them, so no one else feels this sense of loss. People may sympathize, but I grieve alone.

I really don't want to bring the moms I know down, but imagine your child, imagine the love and joy you have of the little things about them, and then imagine they just don't exist, I'd imagine you too would start to see how I can grieve a death of a person who's yet to live.

I know my life has too many issues right now. I know I can't even keep up with making all my appointments let alone someone else's life right now. I know my arthritis still limits me too much, that my inability to keep house makes the environment too dangerous for a wee one, and that God knows the best timing. But when I look back I just hurt more and wonder why this arthritis had to pop up now anyway!? We finally have a home, and I'm able to stay at home and not work, those things seem like perfect timing for starting a family... so why not now? All I can do is hope, I read Jeremiah 29:11-14 and ponder if this is a truth for me too, that this exile of mine will someday be replaced? I have to keep on believing that God has more for me. Why did He grow in my heart the desire all those years, only to keep me home alone, and in pain?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."

So please Lord, bring me back, heal me enough to follow out these dreams. Take this burden of emotional pain. Show me this child that lives only in my dreams, let me love her, nurture her, raise her. Let me bring her up to honor You! Let this future family be an honor to You, that we may see others come to see Your love, salvation, and hope.

I can't understand this grief that fills my heart, and I want a way to heal and change. I've seen myself heal and grow from my other losses, I don't want this to forever burden me.

Give me hope Lord, give me understanding in how this is to happen, heal my broken lonely heart. Help others to be more sensitive of the words they share, and guide their hearts to know just how emotional and delicate this heart is because of infertility. If I've had it wrong all these years, if children is not what You've ever had in mind for us then I deeply need healing. I need to know why all these years We've been preparing for something that has never happened. I need to know why it was important to both Kevin and I when were were courting that we agreed on the fact that we did both want children someday. I need to know and understand why I have to live with all of this.

I do know that I've been brought close to women I would never have meet otherwise because of our common issue, I've seen friendships grow as we pray for each-other, and I know that we as humans need other humans and this is something God has His hand in. But the path is one I can't understand, I just have to look at the things I can grasp and wonder what else God is teaching me that I need to open my eyes and heart to see.

The other issues these dreams make for me is that of which path to take. In my dreams I have no doubt that the child is my blood. That she is made from Kevin and I, that she is our biological child. We've talked for years about adoption and foster to adopt and I have not closed my heart to such things, but these dreams make me feel this sense of considering anything other than natural childbirth as wrong. It's a new grief that I've never dealt with. I never thought I was this attached to having my own child. I suppose so much comes from watching the amazing journeys of all my friends who have given birth or are pregnant, and I know I wonder what it would be like for me if we were given that miraculous and blessed chance.

I don't know what else to write about, or if there is something I shouldn't have. This is immensely personal, and yet here I am feeling I need to share this with the world. But I know their are others who hurt like I do and yet still believe as I do. I know I need for those who care about me to know the grief I'm trying to deal with. I just want to heal, and it does me no good to keep this hurt inside and to myself. All it does is fuel depression and keep the cycle going. I hope this post is one that teaches and helps. It is not my intention to bring others down simply because I deeply hurt. I pray for understanding for myself, and for those who read this.

No real news

I haven't had anything to post mainly because this physical therapy stuff is sucking the life out of me! That and arthritis...

When Kevin and I got back from California we both had colds, and I only just got over mine almost a week ago. Because my medication for arthritis is an immune-suppressive I can't take it when I'm sick, or I risk getting pneumonia or an upper respiratory infection. So I just had my shot last night. Normally it's every two weeks, but that was 5 weeks since my last shot. So of course my arthritis flared up. Monday after PT I slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day, followed by sleeping for 12 hours that night! And today I had PT too, and feel again like I want to skip lunch and just sleep. My body says "Please let me repair!"

Today was the absolute most painful. So much sharp pain in my left hip, and virtually no range of motion. My PT was concerned, but said it was my flair up and for me to just do as much as I could.

Amazingly I was able to ride the bike for twice as long as on Monday, but it still was only 8 minutes and then both my hips started popping and making snapping sounds. I think the most painful was massage and ice. Both of those I felt like I could barely move after. I think next week I will bring my cane just in case. I haven't yet, but progressively I've been feeling less mobile instead of more... Which bums me out because Mica, her kids, Kevin and I are camping tomorrow night through Saturday morning and I really want to enjoy being out. I guess I'll need to pack my cane for camp. After icing today I could only shuffle out of the clinic, it was kind of depressing. I'm still hoping that this is just more pain on the way to progress. It isn't the same kind of pain like warm muscles after a workout, it's stiffness and tenderness.

I also woke up yesterday with a charlie horse in my right leg. I haven't woke up from one of those in a while, I'd say that says the shots have been working in that department, and that this crept up since I've been off them a few weeks. Another sign I'm dealing with a flair up I guess.

Just sitting in a chair is a lot of pain right now, so I don't think I'll type too much longer. I need to get a nap.

Changing gears...

I'm so happy to have recently gotten back in touch with some long lost dear friends. Sarah Dougherty, (Now S.J.D. Korel,) I was able to find her on Facebook! I haven't seen or talked to her since I lived in Colorado. It has been good catching up with her!

I also found David Kaiser! YEARS have gone by since we last talked. I won't mention how I found him out of privacy for his family, but finding this dear friend has also told me many things to pray about for him and his family.

Topic change again (I'm feeling like a distractible butterfly today!)

Kevin is way over stressed these days. 'Back to school time' always means there is SO much work for him as all the schools work to get the products back online for a new school year, and also activations of new accounts. It's strange to see him stressed. He's such a mellow guy, but there definitely is more work right now. On friday he worked 13 hours! I wasn't too happy about that. I ended up driving out to his work and waiting for him another 45 minutes to take him out to dinner since he wasn't going to get home at a decent dinner hour. I wasted my time there playing on-line video games as I waited. I really hope things start to taper back to normal for him.

Well, I have only have 368 days left of being 20something... Is this supposed to be a big deal? At the moment I'm just hoping that when Saturday happens that I'm not feeling like I do now. I'd like to have nice memories of my birthday. I guess I'm kind of fearing my birthday in one sense... I always hear some kind of horrible news on my birthday. I wont list it out as some of them really kind of depress me, but it's always something. I guess I'm just wishing that for that day it could be like it is in childhood, something so special that there would at least be some kind of hedge of protection about me now too. That special day that makes me feel good. Why can't we have that in adulthood too?

There are some other things holding me distracted, but I'd rather not blog about them. I'm starting to feel again like I'm neglecting my blog, but on the other had I don't want to feel obligated to write, I just want to write when it seems right. If that makes any sense. I guess some of that is what I was getting at in my tightening my circle post... I'm not cutting myself off, I'm just not sure what I want to share.

I'm still brainstorming my handicaps post I want to make. Sunday afternoon Kevin and I went to see The Mummy 3. I loved it, then again seeing Brendan Fraser topless was certainly yummy enough for me to watch it over and over again. I know, I'm a bad girl for that, Kevin knows I've had a crush on Brendan for ages... And I let him watch Jennifer Connelly movies knowing he crushes on her. ANYWAY, big distraction there... So we went to the movies. After the movie I went to the ladies room, and as I strolled into the handicapped stale I noticed some women staring daggers at me! This is something I've dealt with before. I've noticed that all too often people don't think someone needs a handicap stall if they can just walk into it. But I do use the handles to get up and down. While I can still, praise God, walk, I do have limitations to my mobility. But people can't see that all the time. And there is this perception of just being lazy or whatever that I haven't quite figured out either. I've seen people give offended looks like I should only use that stall if I'm in a chair, and maybe that will be so someday, but I'm not going to put myself in a chair any sooner than I have to just so people stop staring. And they won't anyway... I felt like such a spectacle when I was in a chair at the airport. But I'm so grateful for the service. I know I wouldn't have been able to walk that much and still feel good. It really helped me. I still hurt after the trip because sitting for the whole flight is never good on my hips either. I just really shouldn't fly unless it's the only option, (though it feels like it with the price of gas. At least that's improved some.) But at the airport I felt all eyes on me as I'd stand to get up out of the chair to pass through security. I truly think people don't understand physical limitations, like handicapped can only be if you are paralyzed or something. Stigmas are everywhere, it just makes me feel worse. I know after the return flight I felt super depressed. I don't know anyone else in there 20's who is dealing with this, so I end up feeling an alienation I can't quite explain.

I mostly feel bad for Kevin with all this. He certainly is living up to his vow of 'in sickness and in health'. I just wish I had more times of 'in health' to give him. He has so much extra he has to do because of me. He goes to work and then often comes home and works on clothes or dishes, simply because I can't ever seem to get it all done. He's amazing. He doesn't get mad at me for my limitations, and often pampers me even when I don't completely need it. I'm grateful for the love and caring he gives me.

I don't know why I'm writing or what I'm writing about. I guess I'll end for now, I can't think of anything else to write about. I'll probably not post until after my birthday trip, simply because tonight we need to pack and while we're gone I won't be sitting near a computer.

I guess one last thing I'll mention is I'm so thankful we're back to the grey rainy weather! The heat last week was unbearable. I love the cool rain and the dramatic skies, I'm so glad that has returned! The heat fatigue was making all my muscles spasm, and sometimes I hate spasms more than stiffness. It just feels so creepy to me. I'm glad that's over for now. So that's all for now.

Another bitter mother's day for this childless mother.

In the 9 years of knowing of my infertility I think I've made it to church on mother's day maybe twice. I remember watching as the mothers got roses and it feeling so painful that there was a visual marker of how broken my womanhood is. That I can't just pop out a kid like all these other women. Yes, I know I've only been married 8 years of that, but I was diagnosed with PCOS because of the symptoms not the infertility right away, I guess technically that wasn't stated until later, but I knew I had it too because of annovulation. This year I had hoped would be different.

Many days do go by where my infertility doesn't sadden me, and I'm grateful for those days, and then there are days that just slap me and I can't avoid the pain. Often mother's day is a day I hide under the covers in bed, afraid of the sadness I'd face if I left the house. This last mother's day was weird. This year I was thinking I might be strong enough to leave the house this mother's day. As it turned out it was when we'd be driving home from visiting family. So we were on the road, I'd be missing church anyway. I felt like I wasn't hiding this year, until we stopped for lunch in Salem, OR...

In the morning before we left our hotel room I took some time to look up the locations of a few places I could get smashed pennies along the way home. One of them ended up being a children's museum, so we didn't go in, that was awkward, and I wasn't going to let it get me... it would seem strange for two childless adults to go to a children's museum no matter how fun it really is. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a poster that said mom's get in free with one paid ticket. That started to get to me too. My shell of strength was weakening...

We drove across a few blocks to a park that also had smashed pennies. I got some and we stopped long enough to take in the park and stretch little bit. I saw family after family pass by me to celebrate together, many being 3 and 4 generations! That really saddened me. I longed to have chicken in the park with my children, and wondered with sadness if that would ever be. As I sat in the truck leaving I was mad at myself for being sad, but I was sad because I couldn't have those simple joys for myself. Who doesn't want to smile when they see a baby smile at them, or laugh a little while hearing a child tell a silly story that only a child can get away with saying. I love those little things, and it breaks my heart that I can only observe and not live these things. We ended up driving through Mc Donald's for lunch (mom gave us a gift card) and continued driving. I slowly ate my meal siting in the truck driving home. Not completely crushed, but a bit shell shocked that this day devoted to those blessed to have children still hurts me so. I don't want to cry these tears anymore, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to answer any more questions of why we don't have kids. I just don't want to feel like a freak anymore because my body won't just readily work like all other women out there.

Coming home I had so many blog posts I needed to get caught up on. I got choked up seeing how some families we know their babies are already turning 1 and it seems like just yesterday when I was shattered in a million pieces by learning that so many people we know all at once were pregnant.

I still have this sinking feeling that God is closing that door for us and I'm fighting it and causing more pain. I feel so hopeless and helpless when I consider I just found out I have osteoarthritis as well as rheumatoid arthritis! It all adds to a long list. I'm constantly at doctor appointments. And now I'm heading back again on Monday to go over the MRI results and find out more. I just feel so lost. So sad, and so alienated. I don't expect others to understand, but I need you to understand that if I don't seem chipper or myself these days, these are the burdens weighing me down. I'm just wondering if life will ever start making sense, or if that's all just a part of the curse of this being a broken fallen world.

I'm going to end for now because if I don't I'll just type all this over again in circles. I'm sorry this post puts a damper on anyone else's reflections on mother's day, but this is my reality.

I censored myself.

The following is more of the post I made a few posts back, about my latest R.A. clinic visit.

I censored myself because of some hurtful words I was told recently, that 'you'll regret it when you finally do have kids.' To save from drama I'm not saying who said it, just that those words continue to sting, and it's been extremely hard talking to said person since.

Here is what I posted on my private blog that I didn't post here. I hope all who read can be mature and refrain from posting 'pat answers' that don't really help. I'm sharing a two-fold vulnerability of mine here. I hope my dear readers can respect that.

'I went to the Rheumatology clinic on Friday. Told my nurse about how Kevin and I are hoping to TTC in the next couple years. She wanted to know how soon, well, of course the sooner the better, right? Well, we start going over my meds, I now have things all different, new meds, lots of vitamins and lots that I've been taking that I need to stop taking. The crappy part is waiting a minimum of 6 months for these meds to change! Add to that however many months/years PCOS-caused infertility adds, plus 9 months if things go right... It just doesn't seem fair that the time adds up so much so quick, maybe we should just keep waiting for a baby to fall from the sky for us. I mean, we're too poor to afford to adopt, I probably have too many health issues to qualify for foster care as I'm almost disabled with my arthritis. I don't want to give up, but I feel like everything is against me.

But to grow our family has always been a dream, when Kevin and I were courting we talked openly and with great joy about how we'd parent our children. We spoil our cats, and know that when we finally do have kids they'll be treated much the same, because our love for them has been growing in out hearts and will continue to, for years.

I know this is all I ever write about. I'm sorry for that. It's also my biggest burden, the thing I pray about daily, the constantly fresh wound that keeps my depression active.'

So there it is, be nice. I'm in a poopy mood this week.

Depression

As someone with multiple chronic illnesses this post was kind of depressing, but interesting.

Depression Can be More Damaging Than Chronic Illness
By: Psych Central Senior News Editor
on Friday, Sep, 7, 2007

Reviewed by: John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
on September 10, 2007 at 9:30 am

Yay me!

Between our anniversary and my birthday (6/10 - 8/23) I've lost 13 pounds! 13!

What did I do different?

Followed my doctors advice to increase my Metphormine medicine, and I ate more dairy like milk, cottage cheese, and yogurt. Yup, that's it!

I'm so jazzed! I hope I continue to manage my PCOS this well. I know it's always a balancing act, but right now I feel like it's the first time I'm really winning!

Pair that with my anti-depressants working and also being relatively pain free this summer (my arthritis is also not bothering me so bad!) and I feel like I'm on top of the world!

This just really shows to me all the more that my size is not what I eat, but what my body does with it. Just thought I'd share how good I feel.

Latest doctor visits.

I've had several doctors visits lately.

Not too terribly much has changed. My blood sugar was a bit elevated. Still not diabetic, thank God. But I now have a meter to check my blood sugar and my doctor had me increase the amount of Metphormine I take again. It took about a month to get used to the adjustment. But over the summer I've been able to lose 8 pounds so I think it's been a positive thing.

I finally have a Gynecologist again. She's pretty good. She switched me from Loestrine to Yasmin. So far so good, but I've only been on it for a week so far, so it's still a little soon to know how well I'll do with it.

I've also been put back on anti-depressants again, they've been helping a lot! My insomnia is still bad some nights, but both that and mood have improved! I'm grateful. My doctor believes that because there isn't really anything emotionally triggering my depression and insomnia that it is most likely dysthymia due to chronic illness and pain. Makes sense to me, especially when I generally sleep better and have a better mood when I'm feeling better otherwise too. Prior to this I was taking St. John's wart with limited help. I also had to increase my dose to get the amount of relief that has been noticeable now.

All in all I think I have a great group of doctors! I'm still clueless about what my auto-immune disorder is, but the more I read, the more I find that isn't uncommon. Most people seem to be treating things without fully knowing what is going on. Just keeping up with all the lab work.

Speaking of lab work. Between checking my blood sugar and how many labs I've been ordered lately my poor hand has been like a pin cushion! Of course I was blessed to have the active vanes my dad has so if they try to draw blood from my arm the vane always moves and they have to draw from my hand. In all honesty it's gotten to the point where that doesn't hurt as bad, because it generally works the first time.

I've been reading articles from a particular group on myspace recently. The ministry is called Rest Ministries. They say "serving the chronically ill". I'm hoping to review a book that they put out. Regardless of if they let me review the book I still hope to read it. “Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend” - I had put it on my Amazon wish list a while ago. (http://www.restministries.org/)

Well, I think that's the gist of everything I needed to update. I'll try to post the links for the groups and profiles I follow on Myspace soon.

depression meds and church membership.

I think Daria has dysthymia, I think that is why she was mis-labeled as "The Misery Chick". And yes, I'm over-analyzing a cartoon character, and no there is no real point to this, other then I once again have meds for my dysthymia, hopefully you'll see a more sane version of me in the coming months, sorry if you liked the loopy me.


Today Kevin and I became members so we really feel like we belong now. It was pretty cool. It was neat standing up front in church and seeing the congregation raise hands that they would accept us in the church and walk along side us in faith! It's such a warm feeling, I know this support will help a lot with my depression. I tend to feel alone a lot and this is such a warm community. It makes me happy.

I had another almost migraine today, I don't know if it' the lack of sleep that has been building because of heat and insomnia or if it was the new meds. I'm hoping it's the first, these meds have helped me before so I hope they help me again. I have hope.

MIA, and thoughts on infertility, sick cat and other things...

Sorry I haven't posted anything in 3 weeks! I do have stuff to post too; like the pictures from our Portland trip, and the fiasco with a very sick kitty when we got back. I just haven't blogged and I think a lot of it is just being tired (and sick). I got super sick myself after Portland and Kevin had a business trip so for most of the week when we were back I was alone. That was awful. I was so sick I texted my mom her birthday greetings because I couldn't talk, and later I had a horrible sinus infection! I just hate blogging when I feel like I don't have anything good or interesting to say, when it's all complaining and sickness and stuff, I just close up.

I also close up when I hear about other couples expecting. I REALLY want to be happy for them. I AM happy for them, but I always close up because my infertility is a wound easily reopened. I can be fine for days, weeks, months even, but then something that should be one of the biggest joys for a loved one is a painful reminder that I will most likely never get to have that experience and joy, and if I were to try it would be at great risk, huge expense and well, I'm just wanting to adopt so I don't talk about infertility treatment.

The last few weeks I've been very depressed. I want so desperately to be a mom. It's a dream I've wanted all my life. To be a wife and mom, I'm only halfway there, and the first part has been so easy and the last part is so hard! I feel so horribly left behind. I'm hard pressed to come up with many friends who are married that don't have more then one kid already! I just hope that when we do have kids that we will know someone who will have kids our kids ages, at this rate I think we'll be so behind that everyone will have much older kids then us. These are things that bug me to no end! And lead me to midnight blogging!

In the matter of 2 and a half weeks I heard 4 pregnancy announcements! I screamed every time. I have a hard time wanting to spend time on-line because I'm afraid that everyone else's joy will just make me sad. I went to a "support" website only to be told I should pray about my own jealousy and just be happy for them. But what that ignores is I am happy for them, it's my own situation that causes me such sorrow, and while I'm able to cope most of the time, their joy reminds me of my own sorrow, brings it up again and then I grieve again. It doesn't just disappear. My hopes and dreams are not something to just ignore. And I know they are Kevin's too.

I've missed parties, or church (and we even left a church in San Jose), or waited too long to go shopping and missed out on other things simply because I don't want to be constantly reminded of the gifts other families have that I have to continue to wait for. Seeing pregnant women in the grocery store saddens me. I wonder sometimes if they can read "Infertile" on my face when I look away in sadness, or if they even notice.

I'm grieving again. A really good friend of mine is loosing her baby and all I can think of is that she's living the hellish nightmare that keeps me from trying infertility treatment. See I know what my odds are, I know that there is more of a chance of loosing a baby then ever having a baby, and I know that my chances of conceiving in the first place are so slim considering my body. It is one of those things that makes some women explore absolutely every avenue and option out their, but the pain and risk along the way seems to great a sorrow considering everything else I've had to live through, why add more pain. But that leaves me with the struggle of a heart of a childless mother. I have a niece and a nephew, and my cousin made me her son's God mother, and for these joys I'm grateful. They still don't fill that whole in my heart though. Someday an adoption will happen and these things will change a lot. Holding hope in that day, somedays is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy. And I know I'll be a good mom someday, I just needed to let you all know what's been rattling around my head for so long. Why you haven't heard from me. I've been trying to come up with what to write, but stop because I don't want to complain.

On to Tony... When we got back from our trip (we were only gone 3 days) we had found that he had developed a bad case of the runs. It sucks enough when a person is dealing with that, but cats are a whole 'nother thing. He left surprises in every room, as well as streaks and stains. He lost 4 pounds which considering his size is a good thing, but still drastic. And he slept like crazy. For about a week straight he wasn't himself. Then we noticed his fur was missing on his backside, but he was better otherwise. It seemed like everything was behind him and he was going to be a healthy kitty again! Then the next day we noticed the fur-less patch was raw and a bit bloody. We were getting concerned. It was seeming like he wasn't getting better and so we somehow had to take him to the vet with no money! The day after that he had a huge open wound. We both felt faint looking at it and had no doubt, we were taking him to an animal ER. We ended up paying for the visit with the money my mom and sister gave us to buy a convertible crib/bed for when we do have a kid. So now purchasing that has to wait. Which bums me out because I've been back and forth with nesting. I have this crazy idea of having a room all ready for when we start our home-study. Anyway, back to Tony. So the doctor said he was doing very well and that it looks the way he wants it too! And we're thinking "WHAT? this is a lot worst then when he had the runs." Apparently he got a gland clogged with all his unpleasantness, so even though I was bathing him, wanting to vomit as I choked on my own illness at the same time, he still ended up not getting clean enough to stay healthy. And we kind of wonder if Tony didn't do it to himself since it seemed to us like he was over cleaning on top of us cleaning him as well. To make a long story short his horrible wound is an abscess that got infected and ruptured. And wow was the wound gross. I'm thinking, I've had pimples and boils and none of them have ever made a wound like that. Poor kitty. It was reassuring being in the ER vets office because they explained that it's not that uncommon this time of year with all the warmth and considering his previous illness. They comforted us telling us we were good cat parents and sent us home with a round of antibiotics to give him. All in all he's been such a good cat. He normally is. I'm so proud of my cat. Both the people in the ER loved him.

So here it is July 3 and I'm finally writing again. Sorry it's not much fun. But an interesting factoid is the last time I wrote was my mothers birthday and today is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday Daddy! Oh, and my brother in law too! Happy birthday to you too!

I'm just waiting for some good news. Which seems silly considering so many dear loved ones are expecting. I am happy for them for that, I'd just like for things to work out a bit better for my house too is all. Eventually they will. I hope.

I'll try and post some pictures soon from our Portland trip. We went to Portland and met up with Kevin's parents there. We sat in the rain most of the day Saturday (three weeks ago) watching the parade. I'm not much of a parade person, but it was a lot of fun. And even though I got sick (I know I was coming down with it before the trip) I'm so thankful it was rain and not blaring sun while we sat outside. I guess that proves I'm a north-westerner or something.

In positive news, Kevin and I recently finished our introductory classes on the OPC and are placing our membership at the church we've been attending (as best we can given MANY trips and illnesses this year) for almost a year now. On sunday an announcement will be in the bulletin that the church plans to receive us as new members and then the next week if there is no opposition then we'll be accepted, given our reaffirmation of faith. We are very excited as this has really become a wonderful place for us to worship God, to grow our faith and to fellowship with great new friends. The support structure we are discovering there is awesome and we feel blessed to be lead there. We both hope that everyone we love can have the same kind of joy in their own church home.

David is apart of my past.

I consider myself very lucky when it comes to my love life. Kevin and I connect in such perfect ways and he truely is my best friend. I wouldn't have it any other way for my best friend and love of my life. Because I've been with Kevin for so long some have wondered if I have ever loved any other guy, the truth is I have. I don't think talking about old flames is the best thing, but I did have one other guy I was sweet on. David was my friend in Manteaca. We went to church together, and unlike other friends I had there he took the time to make sure I was happy and safe. Not that I felt like other friends there were slackers, just that I knew David took extra care to pay attention to those things with me. I think that was his way of showing his love for me.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about my regrets of loosing this wonderful friend. And recently I had some issues with loosing some photos so I've been frantically trying to organize all my scrapbook material. As I was organizing a box of things from just after college I came across a letter I wrote to David but was never able to send him. Because of it's relivence to the recent post I figued it fit to post it here. I don't mind if others see my letter to him. This is all apart of who I am. I think finding this letter was interesting after the dream I had a few months back.

Now on to the letter:

Dear David,
From time to time I think about the last letter from you. I'm sorry I couldn't be your girlfriend anymore, but now that I'm more mature, I hope you can let me explain some things.

First of all, you are one of my best friends from Manteca, and I regret that we aren't still in contact with each other. I just recently got back in touch with Stephanie T. and so I hope she can help me get in contact with you.

When my family moved from Manteca and eventually to Colorado I had a ton of healing and soul searching I had to do. Unfortunately as a part of that it included letting go of all relationships in Manteca. I truely needed to make a new life for me. If I hadn't the pain would have been too much. I know I shouldn't have to go into details as to why I'd feel like this and I hope you understand that that was pretty much the whole reason I let so much go.

I must admit as much as I love you as a dear friend, I don't think I ever thought of us getting married, and in junior high we certainly didn't talk about such things. I love my husband very dearly so this isn't a letter to ditch him and hook up with you. But I must stress that I miss our friendship and I would hope that we could see each other again someday.

I've gotten a lot of help dealing with all my issues in the last few years. One of the things that made me write everyone off so much was the fact that my parents never thought I needed help. They thought that just moving away should have been enough. But when I was on my own and in college, I broke down and couldn't stand much of anything about life. I'm currently recovering (at the time of the letter a few years back) from a bout of depression that had me so debilitated that I didn't do or accomplish anything for about 6 months. God blessed me in protecting me from myself in some of the areas of depression and it really gave me a kick in the butt to go seek help.

I'm feeling so much better about life these days, but I regret that I left so much good behind in Manteca. To be honest, there have been times I've passed through Manteca to go somewhere else in CA and I feel vulnerable and sad. I wrapped up too much in that place and in trusting my parents that leaving it all behind was the best thing for me. I love the fact that Stephanie and I are friends again and it's been nice finding out how she and her mom are doing. She told me you seem to be doing well and your working with your dad on diesel trucks. I think that is the best! I always knew you were into mechanics and doing things with your hands so I'm glad everything is working out like that.

I want to re-meet you. I still have fond memories of us as kids and I want to still be friends >I think you and Kevin would be good friends too. It would be nice if we could all get together some time and hang out. I miss you. I hope you write back. Please be my friend again.

With love,
Crystal

Things I'm thankful for/QuiverFull part two.

I had a quiverfull mom read my post and respond. I really appreciate her heart and what she wrote. I don't hold anything again those who are so blessed to have so many children. I don't envy them, I simply would see my life as blessed too if I only could have children of my own. It makes me have many questions... I know I'm not cursed to be childless, but I do know my pain is real and I stuggle with it making me bitter. I wish so much to raise kids. But for me, getting there will be a much slower process.

Right now I know of MANY couples who are expecting. I very much want to be happy for them, and I am, but it's very hard to share it outwardly. There ferility rubs in my face my own infertility. It's not that I wish infertility on anyone, it's just the wound is so easily rebroken. Just about the time I find joy and hope in the life I have, sorrow comes in and tears pour down. My heart aches because it isn't just that easy for me. On Thanksgiving weekend I heard of another couple expecting and my own reactions couldn't be controled. I got choked up, ran to the bathroom and siting on the bathroom floor I held my head in my hands perplexed as to how everyone I know can so easily make the dream of a family happen and for me it's just a distant dream. Even now as I write all this I'm choked up again. If it wasn't for writing the tears would probably be falling again.

It's interesting to be reflecting on all this now. After we've made our initial move to start adoption. I do have hope and faith. I see God providing and I know this journey is begining and I look at it with eager and accepting arms! The pain is still there, and it's deep. It hurts easily, but I know that my dreams will happen. It's just a matter of time and a different route the others.

I just took a little break while writing this, and found it was profoundly important to me and relevent to this post. I heard about this show called "Bringing Home Baby" and while I typically avoid shows like this I watched this episode that just aired because it was of a mother who has Rheumatoid Arthritis. That is one of my many health issues. I could really relate with her, the need for naps during the day and dealing with weakness that comes and goes and pain that comes and goes are all things I deal with. I admire her for being able to ask her mother or mother-in law to help with things, as well as her husband. It's hard enough to do the day to day things as it is (living with R.A.), let alone to take care of all of babies needs too.

This last summer, right as we were moving into our new house, I had a really bad episode. It was after we had spent time in CA visiting family, and after the stress of buying a new home and having to pack our belongings in a hot and tiny apartment. My body was stressed and overwhelmed. I cought a terrible cold while in CA and while I was taking one day at a time, it was all just too much for my body and my body reacted. After we moved in I was flat on my back. I slept more then I was awake, all my muscles twitched or cramped and my wrists were virtually useless. I had no grip in my hands and any ammount of exertion made my body burn and tighten up. It's what brought my doctors attention to the many aches and pains I have, and that it was more then just my size or activity/inactivity that was causing my pain. My bloodwork showed more issues and put a (partial) diagnosis to what I'm dealing with (I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and my Rheumatologist is still trying to figure out if it is simply R.A. or R.A. from another auto-immune disorder.) I'm now on medications and vitamines. I'm able to move so much better. I now have to avoid getting sick at all costs, but I've found that when I am sick I'm able to get better faster. Amazingly with addressing my R.A. my asthma, and allergies have improved too.

I don't see myself as an unhealthy person, just someone who has health issues. And as I remind myself that it takes me so much to keep myself healthy and get things done around the house, that I have so many naps, and doctors appointments, and expenses like canes, and braces, and face masks, and so on I actually am very graetful that I have this time to care for myself and learn how to keep myself from having times again of being flat on my back.

It's just another journey I'm on... the journey of keeping my body healthy, with all the health things I deal with. I know I need more time to take care of myself and to do the things I need to. It's not an issue of selfishness, it's an issues of learning what my body needs. For this I am greatful that my life is just me and my husband. I couldn't imagin going through what I did in the summer and dealing with children at the same time. I now worry about how when we do have children how this will effect them. They'll have to learn to help mommy with things and such, but I don't see myself as handicapped or inable to care for children, just that I'll need to have ways of dealing with things.

I'm grateful for where I am. I'm thankful for my doctors who understand my body and are taking care of me and making my days better. I'm grateful for our house that is still new to us half a year later. And while I have boxes still to unpack because it takes me so much longer to get things I marvel and enjoy seeing each day this place be more and more ours. I've been focusing a lot on things that are good in my life lately, its something that has been hard for me a lot, but right now it has been coming easy!

I bought a cane today.

So I woke this morning in agony. I had yet another "charlie horse" in my leg. Kevin had to kneed it to relax and even after that I ended up staying in bed in a half alseep half awake zombie mode. I didn't make it to church. Later when Kevin came home we went out together to get some stuff from the store and I was having such a hard time getting around that I bought a cane. I'm 27 and have days were I need a cane, fabulous! I'm not happy. Basically I've been taking one medication that I'm supposed to stop taking by taking less and less of it, but the more I do that, the more all my issues seem to keep creaping back up. I may just have to go back to the doctor again before my next appointment and just say, "See, this isn't working." I will admit I hardly ever take my prescription pain pills, just full strength asprin about once a day, but the pain isn't the issue as much as the mobility. It's really bad days like today that make me fear that when we do go to try and adopt that they'll say I don't pass or something like that. I can get around fine, I just have to make adjustments sometimes. And I haven't had a day this bad in months. Maybe I'm just worried about too much, but I feel like my body in persecuting me and I really don't want anything else bad to happen in any other way, even if it's far off. Which really doesn't make sense, but pain causes depression, and then a lot of things don't make sense.

Frustrations!

OK, where to begin... No, I don't have S.A.D. I actually love all this cool weather and misty hills and rain and so on. But me, I'm not sure what is going on. I wish I did. I know I should go to the doctor, but I don't really feel motivated to, which should tell me all the more to go, but I just am not sure what else to say to a doctor other then I feel blue.
Lately I've been sleeping lots. I'm talking lately like the last 4 months and 8-13 hours a night. Normally insomnia would plague me. Now I struggle to stay awake! And when I sleep I dream like crazy. Normally I don't remember many of my dreams or I wake up not thinking I dreamed, but lately I dream all the time. The baby bug has me BAD! Every dream involves a baby or a child who are always in my care, but then I wake up still a childless mother. It makes for some pretty panicked mornings too!
I know I'm walking around with a sad face. Everywhere I go people are excessively nice to me and I know why, I worked retail, I just always feel bad because I know for that moment I brought those people down with me and I wish I hadn't. Kevin's also been asking me a lot lately if I'm OK and I keep giving super vague answers, and it's not like I'm trying to avoid answering. I just don't have an answer and feel like I should. I know my mom is completely ticking us both off and I'm sure it's effecting me more. She just doesn't know when to quit. I don't know what all to say about that, other then I'd love prayer and maybe some advice about talking to my dad about it to see if he can be a bit of an allie for me.
I'm sorry I've been surface or bitchy or just not talking much, but I'm not sure what's going on with me.
The worst part is my mind is going all the time, it doesn't help because I think so much negative stuff before I can even rationalize it first. I keep thinking maybe I'm pregnant and how that would make so much sense, it's been true for so many other women in the past, why not me too? But I've been in this place before and well, you know I'm still childless, so why would now be any different.
The worst part is I know sharing all of this will probably make a lot of people silent. I'm not looking for pat answerers or attention or anything. I just hate feeling alone in this funk.
So here it is, and I should probably just print all this to take to the doctor since I always have an easier time pouring things out into writting then is spoken words.
Well, if you're reading this that means I really trust you so I hope all this sharing is OK.
Good night all. I'm off to bed I guess. I'll probably wake up in 12 hours. Whatever.
I've even noticed that instead of having the typical response most women have to seeing babies and kids (smiling, women smile.) I frown, get sad, want to cry. It's like the whole greiving process is resurfacing with me and won't go away, I thought I was dealing with all that pretty well. But when I found myself frowning at a Huggies comercial and wanting to fall into the fetal position I had to get real. Something is wrong with me. In the past I took Prozac for dysthymia, but right now my brain is too foggy to know what to think, though academically I know that I'm having another low in a life of years of dysthymia. Well, if you've read all this you are a super friend. I do see my Rhumatologist on Friday so I'll talk with her about some of this stuff. At least to make sure this isn't any of the meds she has me on.

Feeling sorry for me...

In the last two weeks I've heard of 4 couples I know who are all expecting!
I know I should be happy for them, but it just hurts. Especially when one of them was from someone who never wanted to have kids in the first place.

I love that we live in a normal size house now, but the room we've been keeping for the nursury is something I have to avoid or I just feel sad walking in it. And right now I have to every now and then because the boxes I still have to open are in there.

Most days I don't think to much about my infertility. But other days I just want to break down and cry because I'm feeling like all the years where I'd be a cool mom are disappearing. I know I'll still be a good mom, but I don't want to be feeling real old when I have teenagers, and since I still don't know when we'll have kids I'm starting to get scared wondering if we're just going to give up, and I don't want that.

I can't be happy for people who have kids and it hurts because I want to celebrate in their joy, but for me it's nothing but exclusion and pain. Comments like "You can have mine..." "You'll be a great mom, someday." and "you'll be a mom soon enough" just hurt even more. I can't really explain it.

Tomorrow my head will be full of different thoughts, but tonight things just really didn't feel fair. I've wanted to be a mom for years already, and yet that gift comes so easy to others.

Currently reading : Moments for Couples Who Long for Children (New Life Devotional)

Infertility suxs!

I'm having a hard time right now. My best girl friend just had her third kid today and really I'm so happy for her (though I don't think anyone can see it!) She's gotten so big that in the last couple of months she's been very uncomfortable. She called my cell this morning and sounded so chipper for having just given birth at 5 in the morning.
For me the news was like a dagger in the chest. I knew she was going to give birth any day now and I just spent Thanksgiving with her and was amazed that she didn't give birth right then. My heart sinks each time a friend has a kid. It's so easy and natural for everyone I know. They just get pregnant and have kids. I've been pretty depressed before this because I'm starting to seriously doubt if my husband wants to have kids. He keeps diverting conversations of looking for adoption agencies. He loves that I'm infertile because of no real need for contraception and while that was fine when we weren't ready to have kids now it still play in my mind that he liked that and it hurts.
I'm in no state of mind to really be blogging so this is probably going to be deleted or strongly edited, I saved as draft. But none of this is to negate the sadness I feel. I feel even crappier because I should only be happy for my friend and nothing else, but every birth reminds me of this curse of a disease. I know that there are reproductive infertility endocrinologists out their who take the time to help PCOS women conceive, but with such high odds of the chance of miscarrying I just can't see it being worth the most likely painfully sad result just on the slim chance that I might get rewarded. Plus the costs of treatment outweigh adoption costs.
We're doing well enough now. At least it seems like it to me, to be able to adopt soon. I'm just very confused as to what we are waiting for! Plus, actually doing the whole process will take a while itself. I'm tired of saying "someday when we adopt" I wish it could already happen, or at very least start the process. I do know we're waiting to buy a house and be settled in that. I'm trying to be patient.

MOTHER!

Mood: Insulted!

So tonight my mother called and she just was in some kind of mood! In just over a week my parents and sister are coming here to visit and my mom is just all full of issues again!

She always thinks I'm wrong on everything when it comes to health. It's an issue the two of us have had for a very long time. There is a tear stained pillow somewhere because she called me fat and said many insulting things to me years ago. She refuses to understand the syndrome I'm afflicted with and then tells me all these twisted "heath-nutish" things that are just wrong. Like soy is good for all. What I KNOW about soy is that it's not good for anyone with hormone issues because of the unusually high levels of plant estrogen! Anyway, long insulting story short. Mom called to tell me her plans for while she's up here visiting... Rambled about that for a while... And then started in on me. I kept trying to explain myself only to be accused and insulted more. And its so stupid too. She just can't understand that I do take a responsible approach to my PCOS care. She doesn't see me wearing size 2 pants so I'm just not doing anything right in her eyes. Ah, I can't stand it all.

When I ended the conversations by calmly telling her she needed to calm down and sleep Kevin told me he was proud of how I handled myself, which I really needed to hear, but this all is just so frustrating. She's my mother, but she makes it so completely impossible to respect her when she's so childish and insulting. And the things she holds to is so ignorant!

Needless to say I'm now NOT looking forward to this upcoming visit. My sister has gotten better in recent years and I'm always cool with my dad. He's golden. I honestly have no idea how the two of them work together. She just is so completely controlling and manipulative.

This all just makes me really sad. Having my mom is not something I can control, having PCOS is not something I could have prevented and yet everything wrong with me my mother blames on me! Does she want to keep me constantly depressed?!
I'm going to bed now. I just hope things don't turn out as bad as I'm envisioning now!

Miracle vitamin!

It hasn't been a cure all but my life has gotten a lot better recently! I was looking for new books on the subject of PCOS/IR and I found other readers mentioning in their reviews that taking Chromium helped most of their painful symptoms.
Since I'm still without health insurance I can't take the IR medication I need so I was getting frustrated seeing things spiral out of control again. I was gaining weight again, sleeping too much again, very painful muscles in my feet and legs and lack of menstruation/ovulation for almost a year! All these things, including a growing depression again kept me looking for answers and everything pointed to needing to try supplementing Chromium in my daily intake. Many of the symptoms I have (that are significantly less now.) are the same for people who have a Chromium deficiency.
So I bought a basketful of vitamins. I started a one a day as well as Ester-C and Folic acid in addition to the Chromium. In the matter of two days I stopped having the leg and foot pain that was so painful I'd cry to sleep and 4 days later virtually no leg and foot pain. After a week I started to have a period and most importantly to me I've stopped gaining again and my sleeping is getting to a more normal schedule and I don't feel so depressed.
I'm just so amazed that taking certain vitamins has made such a difference for me. But I know that I was so skeptical about it doing anything that I don't think it would be a placebo effect and I highly doubt that having menstruation would be from a placebo.
I'm feeling stronger again. I had been very weak and then again after the onset of menses but now I'm starting to feel very healthy again. I think I've finally found some really useful info beyond just reducing the Carb intake in my diet.
I'm hoping now that I'll loose some inches because that is one thing that hasn't changed so far, but with the stop in weight gain and with the recent boost in energy and decrease in pain I do hope I'll start to see this happen soon. I'll also have a body wrap to take off some inches and heal my skin in June (we're going to wine country for our anniversary.) so I'm hoping I can do what I can before then to make for the most dramatic results.

Mother's Day

(Before mother's day)
No offense to the mommies here but I have a hard time with mothers day. My mom and I never really have gotten along so it just brings up guilt and then on top of it I'm reminded all day long that I can't have kids. For the last three years I've actually avoided going to church because of the no kids issue... it bugs me that the two are so closely related. I'm still not sure if I'll be going to church on Sunday or not.
My family isn't going to be going to the church that my husband and I go to b/c they're going to go with my grandparents, but it still doesn't make the (I feel) stupid day any easier to sit through.
Anyone else have issues with Mother's day?

(After mother's day)
On Mother's day I slept in, didn't go to church and then I went to my in-laws for dinner. Things went OK... Kinda boring though. My parents and grandparents where their too. I love my grandparents dearly! Both my hubby and I have been sick since the day before mothers day so we weren't very social and we've both just mopped around the house since.
Keeping things low key this year helped, but I know I can't do this forever.