Faith and depression

Faith and depression is a topic I scheduled for today. And I know I won't be able to give it justice in the next few minutes before bed so I'm going to post a video from John Piper, and then post my response. I hope to revisit this topic later as I have MUCH to say about it being a dysthymic and a Christian.

I've greatly struggled with relating my depression to others, and I know that's true for anyone with depression, but I've found I think there is an additional difficulty when relating it to other Christians as so many focus on their joy in the Lord. And I certainly DO have my joy in the Lord. However, this sadly doesn't change what is chemically going on in my body both because of brain chemistry and chronic illness.



The following is my response to the video.
As someone who has dysthymia I feel the need to speak up in response here. Dysthymia is a very real and hard to diagnose depressive illness. It often goes undiagnosed and untreated because those around the sufferer don't see the depth of it all like they would with major depression. It still needs medical treatment and the help of a psychiatrist, both verbally and medically.
I mention all of this specifically because sometimes "Eeyore personality" is exactly the way to describe dysthymia.

Another viewer commented my post with affirmation saying;
"I second that.
Doesn't matter how much I pray, worship, or meditate on the bible, the dysthymia won't go away. It's like my mind is frozen. "

I do want to further clarify that I admire Pastor Piper for speaking on this matter. It is true that there are those who are unnecessarily medicated. I also know that my Christian faith has & continues to be the center of my treatment. My comment is to raise awareness about dysthymia through clarification; it is hard to diagnose & generalities can discredit the need for medicated treatment.

I then agreed with the person who responded to my post and said, 'I think you're right, it very much is like my mind is frozen (w/o treatment) too.'

I have rubber bands around my knees & my feet still are lead balloons. But I'm thankful for the HOPE I have in Christ.

It really does feel as though I have rubber bands around my knees & my feet are lead filled balloons. This stifling heat-wave here in the Pacific Northwest is doing nothing to help my already swollen limbs full of edema. While these things certainly are trying they do not consume me, for I'm thankful because of the HOPE I have in Christ.

Job 2:10b says: Shall we receive good from God, & shall we not receive evil?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

Job was enduring many trials, tests, & afflictions & yet he stood true to his faith knowing that the God who created this world with both good & bad would ultimately still be worthy of praise no matter what it was that Job had to live through. Through the book of Job we see him question why, but not rebuke God. In the end of the book we see that God richly rewarded Job, & that in the end Job's faith in God grew, as did his heart of thankfulness to God.

It's fine & good to focus on having a thankful heart. But if you are hurting or dealing with a burden it does no good to ignore it forcing yourself to only think thankful thoughts. Keeping quite can prevent others from knowing what to pray about with you or keeping them from doing God's will by helping to meet your needs.

In Matt. 25:43-45 Jesus says: 'I was a stranger & you did not welcome me, naked & you did not clothe me, sick & in prison & you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, & did not minister to you?' Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.'

If we tell people to not speak up how can we do as scripture says and bare each-others burdens? (Galatians 6:1-3)

I find GREAT COMFORT & HOPE when reading the promises in scripture. I will be honest and open and say when I am dealing with a great deal of discomfort or other burdens because I know I have a great circle of prayer warriors and lending hands around me

2 Corinthians 4:7-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

quick note - apology offered for citing pastor's home Bible studies

Just a quick note to give update to this previous post.

Couple Ordered to Stop Holding Bible Study at Home Without Permit

PERSONAL LIBERTIES AT RISK!

According to FoxNews, 'Pastor David Jones and his wife Mary have been told that they cannot invite friends to their San Diego, Calif. home for a Bible study — unless they are willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars to San Diego County.'

This is a major infringement on personal rights! This should not be allowed to happen at anyones home in this country! Who we talk to and what we talk about on our own property should not be this kind of an issue.

From the San Diego news,
'Broyles said his clients have asked to stay anonymous until they give the county a demand letter that states by enforcing this regulation the county is violating their First Amendment right to freely exercise their religion.'

This is not right at all. I seriously doubt it's the parking matter that they say it is. If so, why are they trying to fine them for being a 'religious assembly'? This simply is an attack on faith. They wouldn't be after them if this was a community BBQ, or some other summer party. I hope this pastor and his wife are able to fight this all the way. It's a sad day for freedom when we can't have a few people over to our own property and chat about what we feel is important to ourselves!

Cute little story.

You're lying by not complaining!

What is wrong with you!? No, really? Are you wearing a happy face mask, but inside feeling like no one could care two cents about you? Who's fault is it really if you pretend for others that everything is OK when you're hurting so deep and wishing someone would listen? If you don't open up & speak up you can't fairly expect anyone to know what you are dealing with. Unless you happen to know of some legitimate mind readers or something (I jest.)

My house is a mess. I'm not upset about this (terribly) and it's not going to hurt me. I'm not telling anyone to do anything about it. And I'm not making excuses for myself by saying this. It is however at the forefront of my thinking. I'm a housewife with chronic illness. Most days I see everything around me that needs to be done and plan things out in my head, but actually making a dent in the list? Nope, and if I do, I pay for it the next day. This is the reality of my life. If you don't know me, you can just stop reading now. BUT chances are you do know someone with chronic illness so maybe it's worth it for you to continuing reading on.

I want to know where the idea that Christians aren't to complain comes from? I will whole heartedly agree that the manner in which it is said, and the heart of the matter is of high importance, but where does the idea of this false happy mask fit with a truthful heart? How then, are we to know what each-others burdens are to bear them for each-other? I can stay holed away in my home for weeks on end, could be playing guitar hero all day ignoring the world (sinful defiance), or I could be laying in bed in pain (needy). How would anyone know unless they ask? And how can I be truthful unless I honestly say when I'm struggling?

My wonderful husband set up my foot spa for me today. It wasn't a matter of seeking luxury, but a matter of getting the cramp in my foot to stop long enough for me to stand at least a little bit. We struggled to find the salt and he carried the water to the couch, bringing me a towel and flip flops to wear afterwards too. Then when I was done he took the spa to the bath to dump it out. Do you care anything about this? Well, maybe it sounds like complaining (and lots of needless details) to some, or maybe to others it shows just how sweet my dear husband is, and how grateful I am for the little ways he loves & cares for me. My feet still hurt. But my heart is full with love because of the compassion my husband shows me. Living out our marriage vows to love in sickness and in health is something he has shown great integrity about. I am so blessed by this continually. How do you know this? Because I have a cramp in my foot.

At church I was TIRED! I got maybe 4 hours of sleep. I wish it was for something fun like reading too late, or playing video games or watching movies. But it was from washing dishes and running errands, and then tossing and turning all night from pain. Wishing I could sleep, knowing that in the morning I'd be tired. Why is this important? Because when I get this tired I know I'm not as good of a friend. I know I'm not as interactive, social, or listening. You could tell me wonderful stories, but I won't remember simply because the sleep debt robs me of brain cells as my body is in standby mode to power down. And that's what happened today. I sat with wonderful friends, didn't really say much of anything, and then went home. I know we talked, but I can't remember much. And I feel so bad for that. These people deserve better than that. If I could change something about my sleep issues I would in a heart beat, and all because I want to be a better friend. I don't want people to read that and think my point is about the sleep issue, but about why I might not recall something that a good friend would, and I could be that person for them. My hope would be that by sharing this I can promote understanding.

I have this huge need and drive to be truthful, honest, and straightforward. If I sense someone asking me how I'm doing and they look a little concerned I tend to tell them. Maybe I shouldn't. But isn't omission in itself a type of lie? If I'm not fine, but put on a happy face and not let anyone else think other wise, am I not in-fact lying? Which is worse? To be seen as needy or to commit a sin of false testimony?

What does this mean to others? I DO want to know how you are when life sucks, don't hide it. Maybe there are ways I CAN help, or know someone who can! And I bet with talking it out we can come up with the blessings in it if we pray and dig. When you have something sad, don't feel like there is no one you can talk to. All that will do is make matters worse.

The reason I share on here what I do is in hopes that others will be made aware of what life is like dealing with this chronic illness stuff. In some ways I sometimes still have to teach myself that life is different. I had energy and did all sorts of stuff yesterday, and now everything is all out of whack again today. If I'd just remember to pace myself I wouldn't feel like I have the flu right now. And I'm not sick with anything contagious, just that my disease activity is, well, active. I over did it. My body is inflamed, and it's letting me know in the way my body likes to communicate the matter, pain. This is hard to describe because it sounds like weak muscles or the first couple days after a new workout program. The problem is I do exercise, always have, but the way a disease like RA works is sometimes it robs me of strength and other days I feel fine and capable. One day a simple task is no problem, the next day putting on shoes feels like an olympic event. As I live through it, I wish sometimes that I had learned from someone what life is like dealing with all this before hand. Before I had to start taking stock of what all I put my energies to. So I wouldn't feel so blindsided by some of it now that I'm dealing with it. Not that I'd ever wish chronic illness on anyone, but if it is something that must enter the life of someone I know, I'd hate for them to feel like they had no idea what any of this is like. And in some ways a lot is stuff that only someone who lives it can know.

It's kind of like this. I've never given birth, so I can't assume to know what carrying a child and giving birth is like. But I've heard so many stories and seen so many pregnant ladies over the course of my life. If I were to someday become pregnant I think there are some things I'd know ahead of time as a result. And I'd be grateful to all the ladies before me who taught me what it was like dealing with the months they were pregnant. And the things they went through bringing their children into the world. But had no one told me anything, and I did give birth, I think it'd be safe to say I'd probably be a bit dismayed that no one ever told me anything about what it was like. I'm sure there would be things I'd be going through that would make me think, "Someone should tell others what this is like!" And that's all the reason I mention things sometimes. Honesty and education.

Here's hoping my fellow chronic illness friends have a pain free day, and if they can't, that they can still see some reason for hope beyond it.

Regarding mother's day; a message for those in ministry.

Mother's day has been the hardest day each year for me for the last decade. We found out about our infertility before being married because PCOS manifests itself with many other health issues that I then was seeking doctors advice about. It was hard to hear as an engaged woman I most likely would remain infertile. On the other hand it seemed a relief to know before marriage so we could firmly discuss this before making our vows and know deeper just what kind of commitment we were making to each other. And what a joy I've had remain in my heart when I learned the love of my life would want adoption just as much as I would.

Over the years it's been a very long journey for us to figure out what route of adoption we plan to pursue, and how we were going to prepare and save for it. Even now while in the process we have lots of questions, but we are boldly going forward knowing that we are being obedient to God by bringing into our lives a child who needs a home.

Because of years of studying fertility, infertility, pregnancy, miscarriage and other topics related to women's reproductive health - I've become passionate in teaching other women what I learn. Being pro-life, for me, isn't simply a political stance, but one rooted deeply in an understanding of when life begins and a deep desire to give just about anything to be able to know what pregnancy is like.

I find it mind boggling how anyone can request an abortion, or preform one. For the first I can only imagine it has greatly to do with misinformation. Knowing what it involves makes me grieve deeply for those lives lost. IF the mothers involved could only do what is best for THEIR body AND their child's no couple would have to deal with 9 years of waiting to grow a family as my husband and I have. This isn't a popular view. But sadly it's reality. There are lives out there that would be loved and wanted. There is no shortage of couples wanting children, just look at the high cost this country spends each year for fertility treatments and surgeries! But parenthood isn't only about raising a child that looks just like you and your spouse.

I'm tired of arguments about the less than 1% of hard cases, or the argument that women will still go get it done anyway. This only furthers the problem. The overwhelming majority of women who have this done do so with misinformation and limited information. They do it because a child is unwanted or inconvenient. Those performing abortions leave these women at high risks for cancers, depressions, and secondary infertility. And who looks out for them then? Who makes sure they aren't punished with a lifetime of regret, suicidal thoughts & depression?, Who makes sure they aren't punished with a lifetime of disease? Who is looking out to make sure they aren't later punished with infertility when the day does come that they want to have a child? Being "punished with a baby" is the wrong idea. Instead of putting these women at such a steep health risk why not look out for their long term health as well as to bless another family? Why is a woman to carry a child for 9 months and then placing the child for adoption such a bad thing? Because of social stigma? Because of what being pregnant in the workplace might mean? Because the woman might feel a sense of needing to become responsible with her life and care for that child? Those things may be hard, but that doesn't make them wrong.

This post isn't meant to be a post about abortion though. It's a post about motherhood. I simply want to bring into focus too that many women suffer greatly and deeply around mothers day for many reasons. Women who've had and regret abortions are only a portion. Women like myself dealing with infertility are just another portion. And unmarried women too. Our lives prevent us from living out our dreams of being included in mother's day.


The following is a very important letter that I want all to read

Dear Pastor,

It's almost Mother's Day again. They seem to come so quickly. I'm sure you are planning a very special service for all of the mothers. I know that it is such a special day for them, and I do not want to spoil anyone's joy. It is important for all of us to rejoice with each other, and even those of us who are not mothers can give thanks for those who are mothers.

All I ask is that you remember that this day can be extremely difficult for a number of members in our congregation. For women like me who struggle with infertility, Mother's Day can be the most painful day of the year. I've thought about staying home, but I know I need to be in God's house.

The most challenging part of the service is when all the mothers stand and the congregation smiles and applauds them. It feels awful to be the only one still sitting. I want to be able to stand with them. I want more than anything in this world to be a mother. It's something I have always wanted. I have carried children, but they were taken before they were ever born. I do have children in heaven, but I'm not a mother in the eyes of those here on earth.

So, on Mother's Day I often go home and cry, not quite able to understand why I am unable to become what so many in the church consider to be "God's highest calling"...a mother.

It is not only the un-mothers who feel lonely on this day. It must also be a painful day for single women who have never married, for mothers who have lost children, and for moms who have sons or daughters wandering from
the Lord.

As Mother's Day approaches, I pray that you will remember that it is not only a day of rejoicing for some, but a day of painful reminders for others. I know that God will help you to be a blessing to our congregation as you minister to us on this Mother's Day.

Anonymous

Seeking His comfort.

Just a quick note. I've been suffering nightmares and insomnia lately. Nothing seems to be related, but it all just is causing me a great lack of rest and with my arthritis my body already requires a great amount of rest as it is. I need God to protect me from this. This is some of why I haven't made any detailed posts lately. That and getting through moving my records to a new clinic to treat my R.A. and jumping through hoops to do so.

The following are some verses I'm trying to draw strength from.

Psalms 68:6 (NIV)
God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Psalms 68:19 (ESV)
Blessed be the Lord,
who daily bears us up;
God is our salvation.
Selah

Psalm 113:9 (ASV)

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, And to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye Jehovah.

The Crucifixion | A Medical Perspective

This video is simply powerful! It's amazing to hear it from such a medical perspective.

I agree with his comment at the end. It's hard for me to sing about the cross joyfully, and personally I can't bring myself to wear jewelry with crosses on them because of that being a symbol of death. I liken it to wearing an electric chair or guillotine. No one would find that popularly acceptable, so why is it so with wearing crosses? (If a symbol of faith is to be worn, I much prefer an icthus or a trinity knot instead.)

The understanding this video adds to the horror of this great sacrifice leaves me in reverent awe of God, and all that He provides. In contrast, the gift of salvation that came from this act of love that only God could provide is truly something wonderful to be joyful about and sing praise to God!

I hope everyone had a good Good Friday, that you have a peaceful weekend, and a happy Easter Sunday!

1 Peter 2:21-24 (English Standard Version)

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

St. Valentine, serving the body of Christ.

The story of St. Valentine often gets lost in the rush of romantic dinners, candies, cards, candles, flowers, and other tokens of affection. Like most good holidays it's been reduced to commercialism and over-simplification. It's a day that makes the single person feel sad and lonely, and a day that stresses the attached wondering if their tokens of affection for one another are pleasing enough or not. This is not what this holiday should be about at all.

I think it helps to look back into history to remember the stories as to why we celebrate such a day. Most of the early memorials had to do around a feast for martyred saints who served other believers.

Here is a bit from Wikipedia; "Martyred during the reign of Claudius II, known as Claudius Gothicus. He was arrested and imprisoned upon being caught marrying Christian couples and otherwise aiding Christians who were at the time being persecuted by Claudius in Rome. Helping Christians at this time was considered a crime. Claudius took a liking to this prisoner -- until Valentinus tried to convert the Emperor -- whereupon this priest was condemned to death. He was beaten with clubs and stoned; when that didn't finish him, he was beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate. Various dates are given for the martyrdom or martyrdoms: 269, 270, or 273." more can be read about this Saint and holiday at Wikipedia

So the story of a martyr who helped his fellow Christians became focused solely on his marrying of couples who wanted a Christian wedding. However other accounts of this saint mention him giving safe haven to persecuted Christians, healing the sick, and providing proper burial to martyred professing Christians.

What I learn from looking at the rest of the history to this holiday is to serve one another with a Christ like love, as was demonstrated by St. Valentine. History shows us a man who cared for the sick, as well as providing for those in love. Who was a servant to the body of believers, hidden and persecuted under an un-accepting emperor. A much broader story than simply a romantic aiding in romantic love.

So take this from the history of today, to serve one another in love.


Galatians 5:13 (English Standard Version)

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

1 John 4 7-21(English Standard Version)

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior off the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.


(images from Karen's Whimsy - free art.)

Wise beyond her years! And a call to the church!

This is two posts that ended up meshing into one. Wise beyond her years is the title I'd give for the first video, and then I move on to my call to the body of believers to act.



This is an amazing video! I know I've had these same convictions as this young lady since about the time I was her age, but the passion and knowledge in which she speaks is simply an amazing blessing! And she is wise beyond her years! At time-stamp 3:30 is the heart of my passion to let other women know the dangers of abortion, and I'm so glad to know this young woman has these medical facts down as part of her understanding. It always helps to make the case that this is not just for the child who's life is being saved, but in the best interest of the mother who feels they have this tough choice to make. A list of some of the issues abortive parents face can be viewed here.

Regardless of what you think about this topic please respect that this is my blog so I'm going to post these things that touch me and speak to my message. There is a proper time and place for debate, but I simply want to post this message as it is her argument and one she made rather eloquently. The parent that posted their child's speech for the rest of the world to hear said;

"My daughter prepared and delivered this speech for her grade 7 class. Even those who didn't agree with her loved it."

So to that I'll add, if her teachers and fellow classmates can be respectful of this young girl, I hope my readers can as well.

I came across this video post from the post of a blog friend who beautifully lives out a life of loving the children who need parents! She and her husband have 9 beautiful children they've adopted, and her blog of their life is a blessing to follow. My prayer is that more Christian families will seek their hearts and open up their lives to loving adopted children in addition to their own.

The numbers are staggering–well over 100,000 children in the United States are waiting for forever families, and more than 143 million orphans worldwide long to know the love of a family. Even still, these numbers do not mean that abortion should be allowed. If 7% of Christians adopted 1 child there would be no more orphans in the world! ONLY 7%, that would leave the other 93% of just Christians alone to adopt children not wanted who's life might be cut short from abortion, or for them to have a biological family only, or chose no children at all. And this is just looking at Christians! There is no need for this, there is no need for children to languish in foster care systems either. Christian's are called to care for these children, the message to the choir needs to be said; Adopt! Give life! Share the blessings you have, and be a blessing for a child who deserves the life they were created for! There are many ways to help out too!

You may not be ready or able to adopt a child in need of a home, but you may know a family, or agency, or ministry who does know of a family willing to adopt, but stopped by the financial burdens of the adoption process. I know for Kevin and I this has been our main hurdle the last couple years. We are exploring every option and are pursuing how we can meet this call. It's been amazing learning about all the ministries set up to supply grants to families like ours, but their wells often run dry as they just don't receive that much in giving. We hope others will prayerfully consider where the Lord leads them too in meeting the needs of the children of the world.




For additional reading on this call to the church please read here.

James 1:22-27 (ESV)
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Exodus 22:22-24
Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 (ESV)
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.

Jeremiah 1:4-6 (ESV)
Now the word of the LORD came to me, saying,
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you;I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
Then I said, "Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth."

Here are the thoughts of another blogger.

Political misuse of scripture.

First I want to state that a blog is a web log. Commonly a place to log ones findings on the internet. Now I know much of how I write on my blog is personal, but that I do often quote various sites.

This following post is something I found very interesting and important. I am not looking for a theological debate here. Simply to record what I took away from what Cal Thomas wrote.

____________

This is just frustrating. It seems like some Christians are taking notice, but many don't even know.

Just because you can find a word in a bible concordance to find a word to use for your speech does not mean that it's use will be appropriate or in context for the original meaning of the verse being used! It waters down the speakers own message as well as watering down the passage sited. Making no real statement other than that one has a functional understanding of a concordance. When siting scripture is not done exegetically it goes AGAINST scripture. The Word says to neither add or subtract anything from the word of God! And this statement is made multiple times, here are a few;Deuteronomy 4:2, Deuteronomy 12:32, Proverbs 30:6

You can read more about this here.

Thank you to Cal Thomas who pointed out on Fox News that the new President did this in his Inaugural address! If I could get a message to Mr. President I would say if you claim to be a Christian and seek to site scripture for your use, please do so with a full understanding of the passage you site.

Ten Indictments

This is a re:post from Joshua Elsom's blog

This message is something that has been heavy in my heart for years now. I've been from church to church wondering why prosperity gospel messages are so "popular" and only let people down eventually. The truth needs to be spoken. The bible needs to be preached! And done so accurately and without compromise.



Ten Indictments was delivered by Paul Washer at the 2008 Revival Conference, October 21st - 23rd in Lilburn, GA.

Court of Appeals Weighs Gideon Bible Controversy Today

So a judge on thursday basically said that the bible should be discriminated against, while anything else should be freely distributed. This is disturbing! Click here to read the full article.

Mat Staver commented on today’s hearing: “The Bible cannot be singled out for special penalties like contraband. How ironic that in America, until recent times, the Bible formed the basis of education, and now its mere presence is radioactive in the opinion of some judges. The Founders never envisioned such open hostility toward the Christian religion as we see today in some venues. To single out the Bible alone for discriminatory treatment harkens back to the Dark Ages. America deserves better. Our Constitution should be respected, not disregarded.

YAY SNOW!

We've finally gotten our first snow for the season. It started at 9 last night. Hasn't snowed much this morning though the clouds certainly look like they could dump more at any moment, and the temp is still low enough for snow and not rain!

Siggy loves snow just about as much as me, it seems. As soon as it started snowing he wanted to be taken outside. It was funny watching him eat snow flakes as they plopped from the sky. So excited, it was really cute. But because that was happening in the dark, I couldn't get a video of it. Maybe we'll get back out if it snows some more during daylight today.

Yesterday was a fair amount of rain before the snow, so it is a pretty wet pack right now. But with lots more snow on the horizon it should continue to get even prettier as time progresses. Maybe tomorrow I'll get some pictures taken before church.



The only down side about any weather system coming in and changing the weather so rapidly is that my arthritis goes super crazy. I was plastered into the bed all night and slept a somewhat restless 12 hours! The arthritis index is pinned at extreme for the next few days, and it certainly feels like that for me. Oh well, my cane is my friend, if only it were a walker, but I'll make do.

I'm just praising God for the beauty of the snow. I love how transformed everything is, from dirty and dry, to covered in white, this time of year, when it snows. It's so beautiful.

On to other topics. I'm thoroughly engaging in learning as much as I can about adoptions right now. We are more and more convinced that foster adopt looks like the route we want to go. Because adoption can be tricky with timing and placement, and with foster kids - emotions, we feel that while it's been good for us to have the adoption blog site, we'll be taking it down soon. Some posts will come here, and the things we can talk about will be posted here, but having a blog specifically, and only for our adoption story, isn't appropriate. If one wants to follow just adoption related posts they will be able to do so using the tags feature once I have things shifted over.

I've had some complaints about having my comments be registered users only. I'm not sure what to do right now, I need to keep my comment moderating secure, and it hasn't been fair to readers when commenters who do have a site registered somewhere post "anonymously" with just their name, this is meant to have commenter accountability. A lot of blogs function this way. What I may start to allow is a way to e-mail a comment in too, where I have the e-mail address, but it isn't visible in the post, and then allow comments that way. I've seen that on different blogging sites, but as of now, I haven't seen that feature available, readily, on blogger.

So, snow is pretty, arthritis is not, adoption stuff being studied, blog changes happening. Oh, and I'm blessed to have Kevin all to myself for the next 5 days as he's on vacation! While I may be in a lot of pain, life feels pretty good! Praise be to the good, one and true GOD!

Oh, and did I mention, YAY SNOW!

Writings on coping spiritually with the trials of life.

I haven't started getting into this article yet, but it looks good.

And also, I just came across a book that a blog friend of mine wrote. I hope to buy her book and read it as most anything she writes on her blog seems very auto-biographical of my own walk remaining faithful to God through this burden of A.S. and R.A.

This song is so comforting!

I will praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns



Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Job 1:21b
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

These thoughts and understanding of scripture is the new direction of my blog, why the name change to "A Perplexing Journey" and so on. I firmly believe God has a purpose and a reasoning for the suffering I endure with my arthritis and infertility. I simply and humbly pray the He will use me and my situations to reach other for Him. My faith is in His salvation and the blessing eternal life will be. This earth will fade away so fast in the context of eternity. I believe it is then that I'll be able to be rid of this weak and frail frame and have a new heavenly purpose in life. It's this hope and thanksgiving that keeps me going. God is good, and I will praise Him in my storms!

As a side note, here is a very quick and concise devotional along these lines.
The Lord Gives and takes away

Concern regarding "Seeker Churches".

The following is a video on a topic I am very concerned about. It's something I've seen as a growing concern in 'Christianity' today. Churches that want so desperately to attract seekers and teach almost exclusively on the gifts and blessings of salvation that they forget to even address why man needs salvation or what a growing faith looks like.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." - Brennan Manning. I site that quote because I see this following from these churches that are not leading their flock with bible centered teaching. By making sermons full of stories and psychology, with hints of verses promising prosperity followers are lead to have a very narrow view. It doesn't instruct how one is to live a life honoring God and as a result many followers claim to be Christian, but when you dive deeper into matters of faith, don't really have any answers other than that they know they're saved because they believe. While this is true it should also mean that one is called out, made different, and led to lead a new life, free of their past self with Christ as their example. When the rest of the world doesn't see any difference in a Christian, that, I believe, is where this over simplification is falling short, and actually only encourages unbelievers in their disbelief.

I hope this topic is something that all bible believing Christians, especially leaders, take to heart and act upon. This is a concern because it sets (new) followers up to be misguided and disappointed when life gets hard. It ushers in guilt to those who are suffering leaving some with a crisis of faith, wondering why they are still so afflicted if God is so good and kind and will just make like perfect. The truth I've learned in my faith walk isn't that God will take away my burdens (in this life), but that He will give me strength to get through them, and that through it others might see Christ in me. Only when I become a new Heavenly creation will my failing body and burdens of this world be fully released from me. This is where I cling to 2 Corinthians 4:7-18, and I see this in other parts of scripture as well. Please take the time to watch this video. It can explain more clearly what I am getting at.



Revelation 3:14-22

And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: 'The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God’s creation.

"'I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.'"

Thanksgiving for my burdens.

Today has been a very different Thanksgiving for us. It's the second time we've had Thanksgiving just the two of us. It's somber. But peaceful and nice. I made a big spread, Kevin praised me again for my cooking skills. I honestly don't know how I did it other than God saying "Now is a time to feast and give thanks!" My arthritis pain has been unbearable! And amazingly the only thing I burned was a tablespoon of butter as I was getting it melted to make apple crisp for dessert.

I still have a pretty nasty cold. I was amazed I was able to enjoy as much food as I did. As I sat eating with the love of my life, my hips and back were quickly making it such that I thought I wasn't going to make it through the whole meal. Amazingly I did. I sat and ate with my love, and talked and just enjoyed each other. It was really nice, aside from the pain. By the time I took my last bite I had to get up and start moving. I paced the kitchen, getting various things to pack up the bounty of leftovers. Someday I'll learn to make Thanksgiving dinner for two, but I've yet to figure out how to get the recipes right to do that, so I made way too much, at least I won't have to cook for the rest of the weekend!


Here was our menu:

For the meal:
Spiced apple cider Black Forrest ham with grated apple
Stuffing stuffed chicken breast
Cornbread stuffing with sauteed baby portabella mushrooms, celery, and onions
Cranberry jelly
A HUGE salad with every leafy green imaginable (OK, actually pretty much every veggie I could get in the store)
Baked mashed potatoes with garlic and bacon
Baked yams (with marshmallows, for Kevin)
Chicken gravy
Black olives

To drink:
Sparkling apple cider
Ice water

For dessert:
Traditional Creme Brulee
Apple Crisp



Quite a spread for just two people. And I'm thankful we were able to do that. We were among the crowds of people doing last minute meal shopping yesterday. We decided to do a Chicken breast instead of a turkey simply because it would have been way too much. I still bought a turkey however. It's in the deep freeze right now, so we can have it whenever. I bought the turkey even knowing we weren't going to have it today because there was a deal at the store; the ham, turkey, a sack of potatoes, and several other things, were all for a package deal at $20. I couldn't pass that up! So I have a whole turkey in the freezer! It feels silly, but it's good knowing I'm able to put food by after all this too.



And now to share what I've reflected on today while giving thanks:

I'm thankful for Kevin's job, that provides for us.
I'm thankful for health care, doctors, and modern medicine; all of which are helping me deal with arthritis at 29.
I'm thankful for the house that we have, and the home we keep for ourselves inside.
I'm thankful for my friends who pray for and encourage me.
I'm thankful For my church family, who is there for us so much, teaches us so much, and is sad for me on the Sunday's I'm too sick to make it to church or other events.
I'm grateful for the many gifts and blessings we've been given recently.
I enjoy the beautiful pictures I've both received and been in, nice memories to look at and reflect on.
I am blessed grateful and thankful that I'm able to be a housewife, and not needed to work outside the home; affording me the time I need to rest, and still get done the most critical things around home.
I'm thankful for real servants of Christ who help us with the upkeep of our home.
I'm thankful I have a cane, and soon a walker... these thing keep me moving!
I'm thankful for the days I don't need my cane or anything else.
I'm thankful for my cats, who remind me to rest, and love simply.
I'm thankful for the internet, and computers, and other various ways of keeping up to date and in touch with those I love.
I'm grateful for the simple life that we have.
I'm thankful for my husband, the love of my life. He is my constant help-mate, lover, nurse, and friend.
Most of all these, thanks are given to my loving God who continues to protect me and provide for our REAL needs. Who died for my sins giving me and all who are willing to believe salvation. We don't deserve any of it, and yet He continues to preserve and tend to those He's called out as His.

In closing, I want to share that I have been very run down for about 2 months straight. The cold and flu season is really hard for me even when I'm not on immuno-suppressive, but with treating my arthritis, my immune system takes a hit, and that's why I've been sick for so long. I get over one cold, just in time to catch the next one going around. Hopefully after this cold I'll be able to stay well long enough (a week) to finally take an injection. This is my HUGE prayer request right now. I know it makes me vulnerable again to any other colds going around, but honestly, after 4, you'd think that'd be it for this winter, right? I really want to inject because my arthritis is spiraling out of control. If I don't inject soon I'll need to go on steroids again because I can hardly rotate my back at all, believe me, that makes daily life tough. I don't want to go on steroids again, I don't like what it does to me. So my hope, and plan, and prayer is to get over this cold soon, stay well enough for a week, and then to inject and hopefully get my body moving again.

To all my fellow Chronic Pain readers, the following passage has truly been giving me lots of hope lately. I'm trying to keep it top of mind since my physical body is such a burden to me.

2 Corinthians 4:7-18

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase THANKSGIVING, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

This should be news

This story should be in the news, so I'm doing my part to at least spread it to my blog readers and maybe it'll get spread to others. This protest was completely inappropriate and at the wrong place at the wrong time!



For more on the incident read here.

Only sort of closed. Just temporary.

UPDATE: OK, so maybe closed isn't quite right. I'm looking to rename my blog, and change the focus on what I write about. There are lots of you both on blogger and facebook who have encouraged me that this blog is appreciated. I'm just tired of being hurt by negative, hurtful, mean-spirited, and misguided comments and messages. Many I don't publish, some I have. You may not see it all, but I do since it comes to me. And sometimes it feels too painful.

One thing that made me reconsider closing this entirely is a sermon I watched early this morning. I was up all night watching various things on T.V. I watched "Love Comes Softly" and "Loves Enduring Promise" and had a good girly cry a couple times during those movies. With it being just me at home I've kind of been a basket case. But I also watched a sermon by Charles F. Stanley called 'A Call to Godly Living'. It really spoke to me and gave me the courage to stick this blog out.

The sermon this week by Charles Stanley totally blessed me in the wee hours of this morning! My sleep is all off and I have no energy at all because of my arthritis. I'm sore and stiff and I'm basically awake when I can be awake, and asleep when I can actually get some sleep right now. I've been feeling so down and lonely this weekend, being home alone, and this message TOTALLY encouraged me!

If you catch this post within the week you can view the sermon here OR if you come to this post later you can purchase this sermon here. I plan on purchasing this sermon as I know this is a message that will encourage me again later too. Additionally you can read the sermon outline here

I still think this button is true for my blog...



But I am uplifted by the many kind words today. It's those of you who are kind who continue to make it all worth it. For the moment I'm still going to keep the archive off of the site, but will return it after I've migrated some posts for my own reasons. I tightened my blogs visibly as far as it being able to be searched for. I am also removing my e-mail address from my blogger profile and blog. Hopefully these measures will help shield me some from mean internet trolls.

Thank you to my kind readers. You are true friends!

I love Jennifer Leeper.

I'm posting this link to my friends blog post, not because of the pat on the back that she gave me, but because I love her too. I've posted before about how she's a missionary teaching in Thailand. Her friendship and personality are an encouragement to me. Go read my comment to her in her comments section if you want to read more gushing.

What I found strange this morning is that I don't think I have a single picture of the two of us together! How can this be!? Oh well, someday we'll correct that.

I praise God for my dear friends because it's their love that encourages me day in and day out. Even with the entire Pacific ocean between us, I daily have contact with her, and that is so cool! The internet is cool, and I'm glad we're able to use it to stay connected across miles of ocean and time-zones!

She cracks me up, I just got to looking at her Blogger profile page and had to laugh. OK, so on Blogger, when you're setting up your profile page, Blogger asks completely random questions. Mine is about a statue made of cheese, but her random question... well, here;
"Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies. How will you maintain your secret identity?

'As sad as it is, in this day and age we are constantly surrounded by lies. I will always smell of dandelions which is a heck of a lot better than poop.' "
I just had to laugh out loud because of that! Truth and humor, it's great!

So anyway, I'm thankful that even though I got up way too early this morning, that I came to the computer to read something from my dear friend Jennifer.

Fearful? or Vigilant?

1 Thessalonians 5:16-22
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.

In reaction to the results of the election I've seen many disappointed Christians say things like my faith is in Christ alone and not in man, and that God is in control. I do not deny those truths. They are accurate and true. I do agree that God is in control, my faith is in Him alone, and in the end God is who is victorious. However, the bible gives us plenty of warning about the judgement of God on nations that turn their back on Him. I still see the warnings of scripture and history and want to remain vigilant. It's not about being fearful, but being aware. Being ready like Lot to move at a moments notice and obey God or face His condemnation! God can't turn a blind eye to these things. I know I'm a sinner, but I don't want God to find me guilty of any of this downward spiral of our nation.

On Bill O'Reilly's show I thought he made a great point tonight. Sure, we now have to give Obama a chance to prove himself in the roll he's now earned, but the question still remains, "What does 'change' mean?" If you look at the political history of our president elect it is something that really is not good for this nation. He's extremely far left. He is not even anywhere near a centrist.

Now I am not a political pundit, while the news and politics is something I daily pour hours of time over I make no claim to say what the future holds any more than scripture (and history) reveals. I do however believe that we need to listen to the Holy Spirit and respond to sin when we see it. And I firmly believe that allowing more abortion in this nation is a huge grave sin. And that's just one thing.

I am a first generation American on my mom's side. My family has first hand experience with just how awful socialism is. (Czech was invaded by Russia) So to me I'm invested to not see this generation or the next face what my great grandparents, grandparents, mother and uncles faced. I think it's all too easy for American's to say such changes aren't going to happen here, but honestly how do we know that?

When I write about my infertility and arthritis, I am not writing abut being fearful of these diseases of mine. There may be times when it comes off that way, but ultimately I write about these things to reveal to others the life of someone with chronic illness and to wave victoriously that Christ alone is my hope and He will make me a new creation, giving me a heavenly body. But I do have this burden and journey in the mean time. Likewise I think our nation has just created for itself a great challenge and additional burden. I want to be aware, knowing historically how such things have impacted people and to speak out when I know things go against my faith and convictions.

I only want to be a sheep for our Lord a Savior. I want to learn and know all God is willing to impart to me. I don't want to be ignorant and blind along the way and then someday say, "but how did we get in this mess!?"

Sorry this is long, but it's something I feel passionate about. I think many Christians are too quick to become complacent to many issues simply from feeling overwhelmed or not wanting to get their emotions involved. Being passionate and being fearful aren't necessarily the same thing.

I'm grieving because of what is at stake, sensing that many Christians made a wrong choice by not voting with Christian morals in mind. Again, grieving isn't the same as being fearful either... grieving is an emotion for a period of time, and after such comes healing and actions. I am reacting to my own states passage of legalizing assisted suicide, my statement of grief isn't simply a reaction of who will next be president.

Right now is a time for asking GOD what is next, to seek HIS will and SPEAK when we are called to speak, and keep silent when we are called to be silent.

I hope you can understand these convictions of mine, and that I haven't offended you. I do not seek to divide believers, but to encourage all who claim to believe to not lay silent and to be aware of what is going on around them.

The faith and conviction of a child.

My bloggy friend Dana made an amazing post and I just want to pass the link on for others to read. Children learn more than we may realize a lot of times. They have amazing hearts, and they are constantly processing and forming opinions that often times adults are too lazy to care to contemplate. A child isn't afraid to form their opinion, and what a blessing it is when the proper environment instils a love for the Lord in a child, and that Love for the lord guides their hearts in their choices and decisions.

Health update.

So the last few weeks I've been pretty sick. Not really doing much of ANYTHING! I missed church twice. Last sunday I honestly was pouting in bed, trying to will my body to move, but to no avail. I so wanted to be at church, for whatever reason I had to stay home though. I was also dealing with on again off again fevers on the weekend.

My cold FINALLY feels like it's gone, which means I can inject again! I'm so thankful for that. But because it's been 5 weeks (it's normally 2 weeks) since my last injection, my arthritis is raging full force! My knees, back, hips, feet, hands, shoulders are all effected. Mostly my hips and hands and back. My hips keep making so much noise any time I move... it's kind of annoying.

I've had a few days where I've debated going to the ER to get something like vicoden, but really I can grin and bare most of it. And a lot of the pain and inflammation meds I do take, do take care of a lot. Right now I'm a hunch back though... the inflammation in my back and shoulders keeps slumping me over and down. I keep having to focus on sitting straight. It gets to be pretty painful.

I can't sit, stand, lay, or walk for very long... so I have to keep alternating between one or the other. I did make it to ladies fellowship a week and a half ago and by the end of the prayer I just couldn't stay seated anymore. I wanted to start pacing the floor or something, I just was so uncomfortable. I was really embarrassed by that. I always wonder if people think I'm rude for shifting or walking all the time, but if I don't the pain gets to where I can't think straight.

During the weekend when I was just sleeping and weak I didn't really have pain, for that I'm grateful, I had pain, but not like I do at this moment, taking the vitamins helped the energy issues but now pain is just out of control! I've been aggitated all morning. I cooked potato pancakes this morning, normally Kevin just makes himself oatmeal, but I felt like cooking this morning. I'm glad I did, we both enjoyed it, but sitting on my barstool felt like murder on my back, and then I'd try to stand and that felt like murder on my hips. I mostly sat and just enjoyed that I felt energy, but my hands are so horribly swollen. All puffy and watery. I'm back to icing them again, which gets frustrating.

I'm so amazed and thankful and grateful for my church family. There is SOOOO much that needs to happen at home. I'm still learning all the new ways I need to approach things, but these ladies have been so giving and so understanding and supporting. The prayer alone has been an amazing blessing. In the hardest parts of my disease I'd give anything to make it go away, but I know with out it, I wouldn't have need, and with this need I'm being blessed and I hope I'm blessing others. I hope that people can see that God is bigger than this burden of mine. That it's more than just being thankful for what others do for me, but that this shows the body of Christ at work, and all honor and glory goes to him, and not any one particular person.

I'm blessed beyond belief in how close this is drawing me into new and deepening friendships with some of the gals. I'm always a listening ear, and it's been wonderful to share and trust and pray.

Kevin was a work horse on laundry over the weekend. I'm so thankful to have a clean blanket on the bed! Simple joys! I need to kind of wrap this up because my fingers are very stiff. But I wanted to say that yes, I am in a lot of pain right now, but I'm thankful for friends, and for my Savior, and for my messy home that draws together the Body of Christ, oddly enough.

'The church of Oprah exposed.'

I do not watch Oprah. For years now there has just been something that rubs me wrong about her. I've been disturbed by the magazines in the check out line that month after month have her on the cover. I'm perplexed as to who buys it.

Last month I wrote a blog post "Does more harm than good" because someone had posted on my blog their advice to me, that I was causing my ailments to myself and that I needed to read this book they learned about from Oprah. I ignored it for the most part, the Oprah reference, and made my reply publicly known, but now I'm reflecting on how there really is a 'church of Oprah' and that commenter on my blog post was simple one of her followers, so blinded by a false truth that she accused me of causing my own issues and offered no real help at all.

I've come across several videos on YouTube tonight... just random surfing brought me to this, but it seems important to share what I landed on, and it made me think about that post from last month.

Now keep in mind, I firmly believe that the Bible is God's Holy word. That verses quoted are quoting God, with this in mind I quote the following...

Exodus 20:5 (English Standard Version) You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me.

In this video Oprah talks about her departure from traditional Christianity as a response to hearing a pastor talk about God being jealous. Now I agree that it is hard for us to understand in our limited human nature, but I want to point something out here. God is saying this because of idols and false gods, wanting His children to follow Him, the ONE TRUE GOD! It's our limited human understanding of the word jealous that makes us think of some wounded kid pouting about not having something, but that isn't all jealousy is, and it's not all God is. The bible is full of examples of the character of God. This is one of them, as is love, but it doesn't mean one negates the other. Just like people who know me could describe me as shy and open, just because I am shy doesn't mean I hide who I am, and just because I'm open doesn't mean I don't shy away sometimes... The same thing follows here.

So with this in mind, I leave you with one of the videos I came across tonight.


This next video is of Oprah on Larry King talking about that book that I was 'recommended' and she's describing the 'Law of Attraction' I guess something that is described in the book. As I'm listening to this I'm thinking this again limits God, and our relationship with Him. The good AND the bad in our lives are all gifts and journeys that God gives us and puts us on. To say that there is a 'Law of Attraction' to attain the things we desire not only limits God's gifts, but says, "God, I don't want what you want for me, but to dictate to you God what I want from you." and I think that's a very dangerous and shallow place to be.



So I post all this not to bash Oprah, but because I was suprised by all of this. I wanted to point out what God showed my heart while watching this, and simply to say why I dismissed that recommendation last month.

In all honesty I haven't given this woman much thought because I don't follow her, but as the first video rightly points out, there are many who do read her articles and watch her shows, and we need to be mindful of what we allow into our lives and homes.

Deuteronomy 5:29
Oh that they had such a mind as this always, to fear me and to keep all my commandments, that it might go well with them and with their descendants forever!

1 Chronicles 22:18-19
"Is not the LORD your God with you? And has he not given you peace on every side? For he has delivered the inhabitants of the land into my hand, and the land is subdued before the LORD and his people. Now set your mind and heart to seek the LORD your God. Arise and build the sanctuary of the LORD God, so that the ark of the covenant of the LORD and the holy vessels of God may be brought into a house built for the name of the LORD."

Isaiah 26:2-4
Open the gates, that the righteous nation that keeps faith may enter in.
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

Nehemiah 6:7-9

And you have also set up prophets to proclaim concerning you in Jerusalem, 'There is a king in Judah.' And now the king will hear of these reports. So now come and let us take counsel together." Then I sent to him, saying, "No such things as you say have been done, for you are inventing them out of your own mind." For they all wanted to frighten us, thinking, "Their hands will drop from the work, and it will not be done." But now, O God, strengthen my hands.

Proverbs 19:20-22
Listen to advice and accept instruction,
that you may gain wisdom in the future.
Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.
What is desired in a man is steadfast love,
and a poor man is better than a liar.

Proverbs 28:25-27
greedy man stirs up strife,
but the one who trusts in the LORD will be enriched.
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool,
but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
Whoever gives to the poor will not want,
but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse.

God knows what He's doing - So true!

Often times I come into discussions with people who want to pray away my arthritis or infertility. As if these issues are simply a weakness of faith, and they can fix it. This saddens me. Not the question of faith (though that has it's own issues) but because it limits God, His will, and His plans.

I would love to rid myself of these burdens, but intellectually I know that this is my body, my make up and my issues to deal with. Intellectually I know there are medical steps I can take to care for and manage my diseases, and I know my doctors have my best care in their interest.

Chronic disease and illness and infertility are all things that non-believers deal with too. These health issues are something that alienates and frustrates, even depresses. Who is going to reach out to such a person? To help them find grace and hope in Him? Someone who leaves them with broken promises and an accusation of not having enough faith to heal themselves? No, I think the people who might reach those people are the ones who know the depths of that despair and yet still have some hope in something. In God.

I want a normal life again, I want to have a day go by where I'm not limited with daily back pain and fatigue, and sleep issues and all the rest of the things I complain about, but if I didn't have these things, would I still have that connection with others? Would my story matter to them as much?

Now I'm not saying I have a track record of saving souls through my illnesses, I honestly have no idea if there are people out there seeking God because of my words, but, I have hope that I am doing His will, and that as a result others would see God's grace through me. I do know that people listen and internalize though, and that maybe they might not make a change of heart at this moment, but maybe it plants seeds and from there growth and spiritual healing begins, and isn't spiritual healing more important than any earthly physical healing?

Sometimes I hear people say God doesn't desire struggles and sadness for His children, but I struggle with accepting that at the same time as knowing there is an entire book, the book of Job, where God allows so many things to happen to Job. I am not saying I am Job, but I am saying that the Word does show us examples of God allowing His faithful to endure horrific things. And in the end is what matters. In the end of Job's story he has a deeper understanding of the awesomeness of God, he has a greater appreciation of the gifts he receives from God, and his testimony of faith grows from it. What an amazing legacy! And all through suffering.

Our pastor recently wrapped up a sermon series on the book of Job, and the whole thing was very much an encouragement to me. Even though the sermons have now switched gears to the book of John, God is still having me examine Job's story... Yesterday I made a new online friend who also has Ankylosing Spondylitis. It was so encouraging to see another sister in Christ dealing with the same issues as me. I'd never wish this on anyone, but knowing I'm not walking this road alone was a great encouragement! Still thinking about Job, while rejoicing over this new friendship, I opened my blog feeds to see a new post from her, and it was on none other than this very topic! Amazing how God is laying the same Word on our hearts!

After I read her post the ending stood out to me quite a bit.

God owes no one anything. No reasons. No explanations. Nothing. If he gave them, we couldn’t understand them. God is God. He knows what he is doing. When you can’t trace his hand, trust his heart.

Please read her post as a whole, but I had to share that part because it's so true. If God heals me of this disease and/or gives me children that is only out of His goodness, grace, mercy, and would truly be a gift. But I can't be envious of not having that gift. Just because it's possible doesn't mean it's intended for me. I may have far greater gifts and blessings in my future that I can't understand now... Having an entire book in the #1 read book in all the world certainly would be a huge treasure, but I seriously doubt Job had any idea of that as he endured his sufferings.

I firmly believe there is a purpose for me being at home, sitting on the net in my PJ's, making connections with others on this road and praying for and with them about these things. This will not change the fact that I have days like yesterday where all I could muster was to text my hubby to pick up pizza on his way home. Or the times when the chemical issues of my illnesses cause me depression, but what does change is how I get through it all, that while things feel overwhelming on a constant basis I still have my hope and faith in Christ. I still trust that a day will come when His believers are taken to a new life, a heavenly life. I so look forward to that day! I hope my journey encourages others to find such a hope for themselves as well.

I'm so thankful for this new friendship. The isolation has felt overwhelming, and as I was going through her blog I was reading things that I swore I've written myself. There is a sense of camaraderie there, that isn't found elsewhere. And I can't think of many other causes or reasons that would bring a new friendship together between to different people on opposite ends of the states together other than God and His amazing gifts. The internet is a powerful tool, and I'm blessed that when I prayerfully use it, God uses it with me to my benefit.

I've also been focusing on Romans 5:1-5 (ESV) My dear friend Dana brought it back to my attention recently and I am seeing it with a greater understanding this time. Dana is also a blessing of friendship that God has blessed me with. She also struggles with her infertility, and yet continues to find her hope and faith in Him. Her openness, honesty, and candid reflections of her journey blesses me. I've often meditated on Romans 5:1-5, but have found now that I've missed a major part of it.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

The part I have been missing is the journey. It's so easy to see the gifts in this passage and say "Yes, Lord! I claim this for me! Give me!" But there is a reason this passage lays out a journey. You don't get instantly teleported from sufferings to hope, there's mile markers along the way, there is endurance, and character, and then, finally we get to hope. I see how in other parts of my life and spiritual walk I've arrived at hope, but I see that in this particular journey I'm still somewhere between suffering and endurance. I see too that the times I've made this journey have given me the roadmap to hope on this particular trek, for that I am thankful. The peace I have through faith is how I am reminded of this. It's were I've seen my past sufferings grow me to the point I am now, and equipping me with the understanding that "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings!" because only by dealing with suffering can I walk the path of endurance, character and hope.

Another blog post I cam across that follows in this thread is here, for those of you who want to read this topic further now.

When there is no words, pray.

Today I'm praying for those effected by child loss, miscarriage, and infertility. Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. It's a day that I think gets lost in the shuffle of an entire month devoted to breast cancer awareness. It's also a day that is for a topic many are uncomfortable ever talking about. Too much pain, or they don't want to isolate themselves, or they fear hurting others. No matter what, it's important for these suffering women and couples to know that they are not alone. To know that a quarter of all pregnancies are lost to miscarriage and that there are people out there who will listen and pray with you if you need to talk.

So often in this day and age we feel we need to have some wise words of wisdom to make someone stop hurting, but the sad truth is we as humans are limited and incapable of this. This is where my response is to pray. To allow myself to be open to the support God would have me be. I know I've failed supporting some of my friends who've suffered this loss, that I'm sure they feel like they need more. What I know they need is healing and prayer is how I'm best able to help. Please know that for each of you I pray God continues to heal your hearts and that someday you can feel OK again, and again love the gifts and joys that are in your life currently. Grief is never an easy thing, it takes many different forms, and we are not meant to grieve alone.

For now I want to close with some scripture that has been dear ro my heart recently.

Romans 12:5 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace."

To my Californian friends and family.

A friend of mind from college posted this on his blog, and I watched the video and feel it important to post this on my blog as well. If you are a voter in California please watch this video. It's a piece of current events that very well may spread to California as well if the homosexual agenda has it's way. What I take most concern with is that these parents are denied their right for parental consent on such delicate issues. There are some things that just shouldn't be in the life of a 5 year old, and discussions of sexuality are one of them! Let children have their childhood, not confusion.

Epiphany?

Tonight I'm struggling with the question of if I'm not being as close to Kevin as I could/should be because of my personal grief and suffering as an infertile woman. I'm not saying that we're hurting or anything right now, things are really good actually. I'm just wondering why I'm not enjoying these days of life with just the two of us more?

What got me thinking about all of this was looking at wedding pictures from a friend from junior high/high school. We're the same age, and he only just got married, I've been married 8 years. I tend to look at the other friends pictures more... the ones who've been married this long too, and now have 3 kids... and then I feel so horribly behind. I mean I did envision having that many this long into marriage myself, and I feel like these other friends are living my life. But THIS is my life. Me and Kevin, and our two cats, and our two fish. I think what keeps me from truly just enjoying this for what it's worth is worrying about others perceptions. I don't ever want people to think that we don't like kids, or that we don't want to have kids. People come to their own assumptions and conclusions too quickly without knowing the facts and this has hurt me before. We left a church because of that. That was huge. But also, I have such a gift of time right now. People wonder what the heck I do all day... well, this is some of it, writing on my blog, and following the blogs of my friends. Social network sites too, and reading books, watching the news, making meals, light housework, and before I know it, it's 5 and Kevin's home and the evening unfolds and another day ends. Or I'm off to a doctors appointment and maybe another errand, both types of things end up being all day tasks as the drive out of our area is so long.

Even before the disability of arthritis or the loneliness of infertility, I've always been a person stuck in my head. Always writing down more than I'd ever share in person, but willing to share with friends, and pen-pals who would read my scribbles. This is much the same now with blogging. So I've always spent my time much like this. It gives me peace, and a sense of human connection.

I was reading about my personality type yesterday. My type tends to mentally hold many things in all at once, and tends to have a hard time expressing these thoughts when needing to. It's probably why I prefer writing so much more than speaking. I can write and rewrite, and edit myself until I feel comfortable that my words should hopefully get across what needs to be said. But I know the weakness in this form of communication is not everyone reads every word and can often miss things if they don't hear it.

I'm going off in tangents and circles, but that's how my type things. Everything is interconnected in some real way that effects other things, but it's not linear. It's true for me too in how I and the world around me interact, or don't interact... I was cuddling Siggy today, and I had so much joy and peace and love simply from snuggling with my sweet, submissive, and loyal pet. But my brain was spinning, going in circles of if someone is missing him, wondering about his previous family. Someone had to have trained him to be so good. I wondered if it was simply the wondrous work of his foster family alone? I focused on just loving him back, regardless of how he came to the shelter and then rescue, he ultimately ended up in my home, sharing love with me. God's timing brought me the right cat at a time when I needed him and he needed Kevin and I. I'm blessed to have this fur-baby. He gives me perspective. And Lord willing, someday I might have a similar story of a child too.

With much prayer and focus, and love and prayer from others, my haunting dreams on my flesh and blood child are no longer keeping me from sleep. I again am at peace with the idea that we are most likely going to adopt, and while that child still feels so real, I understand that she may only exist in my dreams, or she may be someone I have to wait much longer to meet, but for now, I know it does not do to dwell on why she isn't here right now.

Why can't I be a newlywed of 8 years? Is the honeymoon only that very first vacation, or month or year? Over time and with routine, why do we become complacent, wanting more than just simple love and romance? If I did have children, would I still have this emptiness and be feeling it for something materialistic? I don't want that. I don't want infertility and childless to be an object. I don't want it to be a distraction. My life and time right now is still simple, as it was 8 years ago. I should enjoy this.

I'm grateful our love is not like some marriages that resemble being room-mates. We love each-other and are invested in each other, but how much of a fine line is it between not feeling like life is enough to pushing each-other away for your own lives? I don't want anything to distance us from each other.

Kevin will be an amazing father, but day in and day out, he doesn't think of our empty house in the same way I do. This puzzles me. And I know it's not that he doesn't want to be a dad, just that who he is is someone so in the moment that he sees things not immediately attainable as separate from the now. To me that ability seems like a gift and a curse. Who I am is constantly trying to see the big picture, the future, and to have an action plan. I don't want to be sitting on my hands, I want to be ready to move at a moments notice when the timing is right. Somehow we both need to come to the middle and share our strengths here.

On Friday a couple church family members came over and helped me with my kitchen. I still feel awful that things are this bad and that I have to ask for help. I worked most of the time along with them, but even still I was leaning on counters and sitting a lot, my back simply did not want me to work through a complete task, which is typical, and how this problem started to begin with. Throughout the day we got to know each other so much more. It was amazing how much you learn about someone in the comforts of your home instead of the formalness of a different place. The companionship and friendship made me forget all my issues of shame and regret about why my house is in such sad shape. One of the ladies brought her grand daughter. At first I wasn't sure what to expect. It's not like a 4 year old is going to be much help with a days worth of housework. But she was a joy to have around. She kept breaking out into song, and listening to the stories and sharing her own. It was just so neat to have her there. It also truly made me feel special that someone thought about bringing their kid (grand-kid) to our place, sometimes we can feel a bit closed off, and really we are completely open to our friends with kids, I just worry about if they get bored... But she didn't. She loved my cats, and my coloring pages, and when I think back to other times when we've had kids visit that tends to be the case, I don't need to worry about them not having a playmate while here. I'm sure it's be nice, but I'm seeing it's not required. Maybe this can calm my fears of if my children will have friends from our friends and family or not. And hopefully we'll be able to lead our kids to see the value of people both older and the same age as them. But that issue of discipline, as much as I think about it now, really ought to be saved for when it will later matter.

I'm still humbled and ashamed that I have to ask for help, that I can't simply act out all the cleaning and organizing I know needs to happen here. But in my weakness God is blessing me. He's giving me gifts of kind souls, friendship, fellowship, love and support. There has already been mention of helping me regularly, which I know I need. I'm still hurt to have to consider such a thing, but after this first time of accepting help, I see it's not such a bad thing. It helps knowing these loved ones are doing it out of Christ's love and Christian understanding, I don't think I'd be as OK with this if it was simply someone coming in to fix this mess. One of the most wonderful things about this jump start in reclaiming my kitchen is the relief in not having this continue to loom over me. To see this burden lifted, it lifts my spirits, praise God for loving friends and giving hearts!

Right now, it's 2 am and I should be sleeping. It's the Lord's day, and in a matter of hours I need to be rested, making the au gratin I'm brining for fellowship meal and preparing for heading to church. But I can't sleep, not simply because my brain is going, but because my neck and back are messed up. I'm waiting for this cold to go away so I can take my injection again. Life is a puzzle, there is always one thing that must be in place before another thing can come together. I could take my injection to reduce my inflammation, but then I risk this cold becoming an infection, I know I shouldn't risk it. I've had pneumonia before, and I was miserable, if I can avoid ever having it again I would. But in the mean time I'm still dealing with my muscles, and I'll be sleepy, and whatever other consequences, but that should be better than pneumonia. Just like waiting on God's timing for children should be better than whatever might happen now if I simply had my wish and continued to deal (or not deal,) with these other things.

It's all circles, and puzzle pieces, fragments, and tangents. But God keeps making clear my path, I'll continue to trust in Him. Looking forward I may feel lost, but looking back I truly see the blessings of how our needs have been provided for. My heart mends, and I hold hope that the cracks in my heart that hurt me now, will also be healed someday.