Faith and depression

Faith and depression is a topic I scheduled for today. And I know I won't be able to give it justice in the next few minutes before bed so I'm going to post a video from John Piper, and then post my response. I hope to revisit this topic later as I have MUCH to say about it being a dysthymic and a Christian.

I've greatly struggled with relating my depression to others, and I know that's true for anyone with depression, but I've found I think there is an additional difficulty when relating it to other Christians as so many focus on their joy in the Lord. And I certainly DO have my joy in the Lord. However, this sadly doesn't change what is chemically going on in my body both because of brain chemistry and chronic illness.



The following is my response to the video.
As someone who has dysthymia I feel the need to speak up in response here. Dysthymia is a very real and hard to diagnose depressive illness. It often goes undiagnosed and untreated because those around the sufferer don't see the depth of it all like they would with major depression. It still needs medical treatment and the help of a psychiatrist, both verbally and medically.
I mention all of this specifically because sometimes "Eeyore personality" is exactly the way to describe dysthymia.

Another viewer commented my post with affirmation saying;
"I second that.
Doesn't matter how much I pray, worship, or meditate on the bible, the dysthymia won't go away. It's like my mind is frozen. "

I do want to further clarify that I admire Pastor Piper for speaking on this matter. It is true that there are those who are unnecessarily medicated. I also know that my Christian faith has & continues to be the center of my treatment. My comment is to raise awareness about dysthymia through clarification; it is hard to diagnose & generalities can discredit the need for medicated treatment.

I then agreed with the person who responded to my post and said, 'I think you're right, it very much is like my mind is frozen (w/o treatment) too.'

I have rubber bands around my knees & my feet still are lead balloons. But I'm thankful for the HOPE I have in Christ.

It really does feel as though I have rubber bands around my knees & my feet are lead filled balloons. This stifling heat-wave here in the Pacific Northwest is doing nothing to help my already swollen limbs full of edema. While these things certainly are trying they do not consume me, for I'm thankful because of the HOPE I have in Christ.

Job 2:10b says: Shall we receive good from God, & shall we not receive evil?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

Job was enduring many trials, tests, & afflictions & yet he stood true to his faith knowing that the God who created this world with both good & bad would ultimately still be worthy of praise no matter what it was that Job had to live through. Through the book of Job we see him question why, but not rebuke God. In the end of the book we see that God richly rewarded Job, & that in the end Job's faith in God grew, as did his heart of thankfulness to God.

It's fine & good to focus on having a thankful heart. But if you are hurting or dealing with a burden it does no good to ignore it forcing yourself to only think thankful thoughts. Keeping quite can prevent others from knowing what to pray about with you or keeping them from doing God's will by helping to meet your needs.

In Matt. 25:43-45 Jesus says: 'I was a stranger & you did not welcome me, naked & you did not clothe me, sick & in prison & you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, & did not minister to you?' Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.'

If we tell people to not speak up how can we do as scripture says and bare each-others burdens? (Galatians 6:1-3)

I find GREAT COMFORT & HOPE when reading the promises in scripture. I will be honest and open and say when I am dealing with a great deal of discomfort or other burdens because I know I have a great circle of prayer warriors and lending hands around me

2 Corinthians 4:7-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

quick note - apology offered for citing pastor's home Bible studies

Just a quick note to give update to this previous post.

Couple Ordered to Stop Holding Bible Study at Home Without Permit

PERSONAL LIBERTIES AT RISK!

According to FoxNews, 'Pastor David Jones and his wife Mary have been told that they cannot invite friends to their San Diego, Calif. home for a Bible study — unless they are willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars to San Diego County.'

This is a major infringement on personal rights! This should not be allowed to happen at anyones home in this country! Who we talk to and what we talk about on our own property should not be this kind of an issue.

From the San Diego news,
'Broyles said his clients have asked to stay anonymous until they give the county a demand letter that states by enforcing this regulation the county is violating their First Amendment right to freely exercise their religion.'

This is not right at all. I seriously doubt it's the parking matter that they say it is. If so, why are they trying to fine them for being a 'religious assembly'? This simply is an attack on faith. They wouldn't be after them if this was a community BBQ, or some other summer party. I hope this pastor and his wife are able to fight this all the way. It's a sad day for freedom when we can't have a few people over to our own property and chat about what we feel is important to ourselves!

Cute little story.

You're lying by not complaining!

What is wrong with you!? No, really? Are you wearing a happy face mask, but inside feeling like no one could care two cents about you? Who's fault is it really if you pretend for others that everything is OK when you're hurting so deep and wishing someone would listen? If you don't open up & speak up you can't fairly expect anyone to know what you are dealing with. Unless you happen to know of some legitimate mind readers or something (I jest.)

My house is a mess. I'm not upset about this (terribly) and it's not going to hurt me. I'm not telling anyone to do anything about it. And I'm not making excuses for myself by saying this. It is however at the forefront of my thinking. I'm a housewife with chronic illness. Most days I see everything around me that needs to be done and plan things out in my head, but actually making a dent in the list? Nope, and if I do, I pay for it the next day. This is the reality of my life. If you don't know me, you can just stop reading now. BUT chances are you do know someone with chronic illness so maybe it's worth it for you to continuing reading on.

I want to know where the idea that Christians aren't to complain comes from? I will whole heartedly agree that the manner in which it is said, and the heart of the matter is of high importance, but where does the idea of this false happy mask fit with a truthful heart? How then, are we to know what each-others burdens are to bear them for each-other? I can stay holed away in my home for weeks on end, could be playing guitar hero all day ignoring the world (sinful defiance), or I could be laying in bed in pain (needy). How would anyone know unless they ask? And how can I be truthful unless I honestly say when I'm struggling?

My wonderful husband set up my foot spa for me today. It wasn't a matter of seeking luxury, but a matter of getting the cramp in my foot to stop long enough for me to stand at least a little bit. We struggled to find the salt and he carried the water to the couch, bringing me a towel and flip flops to wear afterwards too. Then when I was done he took the spa to the bath to dump it out. Do you care anything about this? Well, maybe it sounds like complaining (and lots of needless details) to some, or maybe to others it shows just how sweet my dear husband is, and how grateful I am for the little ways he loves & cares for me. My feet still hurt. But my heart is full with love because of the compassion my husband shows me. Living out our marriage vows to love in sickness and in health is something he has shown great integrity about. I am so blessed by this continually. How do you know this? Because I have a cramp in my foot.

At church I was TIRED! I got maybe 4 hours of sleep. I wish it was for something fun like reading too late, or playing video games or watching movies. But it was from washing dishes and running errands, and then tossing and turning all night from pain. Wishing I could sleep, knowing that in the morning I'd be tired. Why is this important? Because when I get this tired I know I'm not as good of a friend. I know I'm not as interactive, social, or listening. You could tell me wonderful stories, but I won't remember simply because the sleep debt robs me of brain cells as my body is in standby mode to power down. And that's what happened today. I sat with wonderful friends, didn't really say much of anything, and then went home. I know we talked, but I can't remember much. And I feel so bad for that. These people deserve better than that. If I could change something about my sleep issues I would in a heart beat, and all because I want to be a better friend. I don't want people to read that and think my point is about the sleep issue, but about why I might not recall something that a good friend would, and I could be that person for them. My hope would be that by sharing this I can promote understanding.

I have this huge need and drive to be truthful, honest, and straightforward. If I sense someone asking me how I'm doing and they look a little concerned I tend to tell them. Maybe I shouldn't. But isn't omission in itself a type of lie? If I'm not fine, but put on a happy face and not let anyone else think other wise, am I not in-fact lying? Which is worse? To be seen as needy or to commit a sin of false testimony?

What does this mean to others? I DO want to know how you are when life sucks, don't hide it. Maybe there are ways I CAN help, or know someone who can! And I bet with talking it out we can come up with the blessings in it if we pray and dig. When you have something sad, don't feel like there is no one you can talk to. All that will do is make matters worse.

The reason I share on here what I do is in hopes that others will be made aware of what life is like dealing with this chronic illness stuff. In some ways I sometimes still have to teach myself that life is different. I had energy and did all sorts of stuff yesterday, and now everything is all out of whack again today. If I'd just remember to pace myself I wouldn't feel like I have the flu right now. And I'm not sick with anything contagious, just that my disease activity is, well, active. I over did it. My body is inflamed, and it's letting me know in the way my body likes to communicate the matter, pain. This is hard to describe because it sounds like weak muscles or the first couple days after a new workout program. The problem is I do exercise, always have, but the way a disease like RA works is sometimes it robs me of strength and other days I feel fine and capable. One day a simple task is no problem, the next day putting on shoes feels like an olympic event. As I live through it, I wish sometimes that I had learned from someone what life is like dealing with all this before hand. Before I had to start taking stock of what all I put my energies to. So I wouldn't feel so blindsided by some of it now that I'm dealing with it. Not that I'd ever wish chronic illness on anyone, but if it is something that must enter the life of someone I know, I'd hate for them to feel like they had no idea what any of this is like. And in some ways a lot is stuff that only someone who lives it can know.

It's kind of like this. I've never given birth, so I can't assume to know what carrying a child and giving birth is like. But I've heard so many stories and seen so many pregnant ladies over the course of my life. If I were to someday become pregnant I think there are some things I'd know ahead of time as a result. And I'd be grateful to all the ladies before me who taught me what it was like dealing with the months they were pregnant. And the things they went through bringing their children into the world. But had no one told me anything, and I did give birth, I think it'd be safe to say I'd probably be a bit dismayed that no one ever told me anything about what it was like. I'm sure there would be things I'd be going through that would make me think, "Someone should tell others what this is like!" And that's all the reason I mention things sometimes. Honesty and education.

Here's hoping my fellow chronic illness friends have a pain free day, and if they can't, that they can still see some reason for hope beyond it.

Regarding mother's day; a message for those in ministry.

Mother's day has been the hardest day each year for me for the last decade. We found out about our infertility before being married because PCOS manifests itself with many other health issues that I then was seeking doctors advice about. It was hard to hear as an engaged woman I most likely would remain infertile. On the other hand it seemed a relief to know before marriage so we could firmly discuss this before making our vows and know deeper just what kind of commitment we were making to each other. And what a joy I've had remain in my heart when I learned the love of my life would want adoption just as much as I would.

Over the years it's been a very long journey for us to figure out what route of adoption we plan to pursue, and how we were going to prepare and save for it. Even now while in the process we have lots of questions, but we are boldly going forward knowing that we are being obedient to God by bringing into our lives a child who needs a home.

Because of years of studying fertility, infertility, pregnancy, miscarriage and other topics related to women's reproductive health - I've become passionate in teaching other women what I learn. Being pro-life, for me, isn't simply a political stance, but one rooted deeply in an understanding of when life begins and a deep desire to give just about anything to be able to know what pregnancy is like.

I find it mind boggling how anyone can request an abortion, or preform one. For the first I can only imagine it has greatly to do with misinformation. Knowing what it involves makes me grieve deeply for those lives lost. IF the mothers involved could only do what is best for THEIR body AND their child's no couple would have to deal with 9 years of waiting to grow a family as my husband and I have. This isn't a popular view. But sadly it's reality. There are lives out there that would be loved and wanted. There is no shortage of couples wanting children, just look at the high cost this country spends each year for fertility treatments and surgeries! But parenthood isn't only about raising a child that looks just like you and your spouse.

I'm tired of arguments about the less than 1% of hard cases, or the argument that women will still go get it done anyway. This only furthers the problem. The overwhelming majority of women who have this done do so with misinformation and limited information. They do it because a child is unwanted or inconvenient. Those performing abortions leave these women at high risks for cancers, depressions, and secondary infertility. And who looks out for them then? Who makes sure they aren't punished with a lifetime of regret, suicidal thoughts & depression?, Who makes sure they aren't punished with a lifetime of disease? Who is looking out to make sure they aren't later punished with infertility when the day does come that they want to have a child? Being "punished with a baby" is the wrong idea. Instead of putting these women at such a steep health risk why not look out for their long term health as well as to bless another family? Why is a woman to carry a child for 9 months and then placing the child for adoption such a bad thing? Because of social stigma? Because of what being pregnant in the workplace might mean? Because the woman might feel a sense of needing to become responsible with her life and care for that child? Those things may be hard, but that doesn't make them wrong.

This post isn't meant to be a post about abortion though. It's a post about motherhood. I simply want to bring into focus too that many women suffer greatly and deeply around mothers day for many reasons. Women who've had and regret abortions are only a portion. Women like myself dealing with infertility are just another portion. And unmarried women too. Our lives prevent us from living out our dreams of being included in mother's day.


The following is a very important letter that I want all to read

Dear Pastor,

It's almost Mother's Day again. They seem to come so quickly. I'm sure you are planning a very special service for all of the mothers. I know that it is such a special day for them, and I do not want to spoil anyone's joy. It is important for all of us to rejoice with each other, and even those of us who are not mothers can give thanks for those who are mothers.

All I ask is that you remember that this day can be extremely difficult for a number of members in our congregation. For women like me who struggle with infertility, Mother's Day can be the most painful day of the year. I've thought about staying home, but I know I need to be in God's house.

The most challenging part of the service is when all the mothers stand and the congregation smiles and applauds them. It feels awful to be the only one still sitting. I want to be able to stand with them. I want more than anything in this world to be a mother. It's something I have always wanted. I have carried children, but they were taken before they were ever born. I do have children in heaven, but I'm not a mother in the eyes of those here on earth.

So, on Mother's Day I often go home and cry, not quite able to understand why I am unable to become what so many in the church consider to be "God's highest calling"...a mother.

It is not only the un-mothers who feel lonely on this day. It must also be a painful day for single women who have never married, for mothers who have lost children, and for moms who have sons or daughters wandering from
the Lord.

As Mother's Day approaches, I pray that you will remember that it is not only a day of rejoicing for some, but a day of painful reminders for others. I know that God will help you to be a blessing to our congregation as you minister to us on this Mother's Day.

Anonymous

Seeking His comfort.

Just a quick note. I've been suffering nightmares and insomnia lately. Nothing seems to be related, but it all just is causing me a great lack of rest and with my arthritis my body already requires a great amount of rest as it is. I need God to protect me from this. This is some of why I haven't made any detailed posts lately. That and getting through moving my records to a new clinic to treat my R.A. and jumping through hoops to do so.

The following are some verses I'm trying to draw strength from.

Psalms 68:6 (NIV)
God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Psalms 68:19 (ESV)
Blessed be the Lord,
who daily bears us up;
God is our salvation.
Selah

Psalm 113:9 (ASV)

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, And to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye Jehovah.

The Crucifixion | A Medical Perspective

This video is simply powerful! It's amazing to hear it from such a medical perspective.

I agree with his comment at the end. It's hard for me to sing about the cross joyfully, and personally I can't bring myself to wear jewelry with crosses on them because of that being a symbol of death. I liken it to wearing an electric chair or guillotine. No one would find that popularly acceptable, so why is it so with wearing crosses? (If a symbol of faith is to be worn, I much prefer an icthus or a trinity knot instead.)

The understanding this video adds to the horror of this great sacrifice leaves me in reverent awe of God, and all that He provides. In contrast, the gift of salvation that came from this act of love that only God could provide is truly something wonderful to be joyful about and sing praise to God!

I hope everyone had a good Good Friday, that you have a peaceful weekend, and a happy Easter Sunday!

1 Peter 2:21-24 (English Standard Version)

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

St. Valentine, serving the body of Christ.

The story of St. Valentine often gets lost in the rush of romantic dinners, candies, cards, candles, flowers, and other tokens of affection. Like most good holidays it's been reduced to commercialism and over-simplification. It's a day that makes the single person feel sad and lonely, and a day that stresses the attached wondering if their tokens of affection for one another are pleasing enough or not. This is not what this holiday should be about at all.

I think it helps to look back into history to remember the stories as to why we celebrate such a day. Most of the early memorials had to do around a feast for martyred saints who served other believers.

Here is a bit from Wikipedia; "Martyred during the reign of Claudius II, known as Claudius Gothicus. He was arrested and imprisoned upon being caught marrying Christian couples and otherwise aiding Christians who were at the time being persecuted by Claudius in Rome. Helping Christians at this time was considered a crime. Claudius took a liking to this prisoner -- until Valentinus tried to convert the Emperor -- whereupon this priest was condemned to death. He was beaten with clubs and stoned; when that didn't finish him, he was beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate. Various dates are given for the martyrdom or martyrdoms: 269, 270, or 273." more can be read about this Saint and holiday at Wikipedia

So the story of a martyr who helped his fellow Christians became focused solely on his marrying of couples who wanted a Christian wedding. However other accounts of this saint mention him giving safe haven to persecuted Christians, healing the sick, and providing proper burial to martyred professing Christians.

What I learn from looking at the rest of the history to this holiday is to serve one another with a Christ like love, as was demonstrated by St. Valentine. History shows us a man who cared for the sick, as well as providing for those in love. Who was a servant to the body of believers, hidden and persecuted under an un-accepting emperor. A much broader story than simply a romantic aiding in romantic love.

So take this from the history of today, to serve one another in love.


Galatians 5:13 (English Standard Version)

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

1 John 4 7-21(English Standard Version)

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior off the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.


(images from Karen's Whimsy - free art.)

Wise beyond her years! And a call to the church!

This is two posts that ended up meshing into one. Wise beyond her years is the title I'd give for the first video, and then I move on to my call to the body of believers to act.



This is an amazing video! I know I've had these same convictions as this young lady since about the time I was her age, but the passion and knowledge in which she speaks is simply an amazing blessing! And she is wise beyond her years! At time-stamp 3:30 is the heart of my passion to let other women know the dangers of abortion, and I'm so glad to know this young woman has these medical facts down as part of her understanding. It always helps to make the case that this is not just for the child who's life is being saved, but in the best interest of the mother who feels they have this tough choice to make. A list of some of the issues abortive parents face can be viewed here.

Regardless of what you think about this topic please respect that this is my blog so I'm going to post these things that touch me and speak to my message. There is a proper time and place for debate, but I simply want to post this message as it is her argument and one she made rather eloquently. The parent that posted their child's speech for the rest of the world to hear said;

"My daughter prepared and delivered this speech for her grade 7 class. Even those who didn't agree with her loved it."

So to that I'll add, if her teachers and fellow classmates can be respectful of this young girl, I hope my readers can as well.

I came across this video post from the post of a blog friend who beautifully lives out a life of loving the children who need parents! She and her husband have 9 beautiful children they've adopted, and her blog of their life is a blessing to follow. My prayer is that more Christian families will seek their hearts and open up their lives to loving adopted children in addition to their own.

The numbers are staggering–well over 100,000 children in the United States are waiting for forever families, and more than 143 million orphans worldwide long to know the love of a family. Even still, these numbers do not mean that abortion should be allowed. If 7% of Christians adopted 1 child there would be no more orphans in the world! ONLY 7%, that would leave the other 93% of just Christians alone to adopt children not wanted who's life might be cut short from abortion, or for them to have a biological family only, or chose no children at all. And this is just looking at Christians! There is no need for this, there is no need for children to languish in foster care systems either. Christian's are called to care for these children, the message to the choir needs to be said; Adopt! Give life! Share the blessings you have, and be a blessing for a child who deserves the life they were created for! There are many ways to help out too!

You may not be ready or able to adopt a child in need of a home, but you may know a family, or agency, or ministry who does know of a family willing to adopt, but stopped by the financial burdens of the adoption process. I know for Kevin and I this has been our main hurdle the last couple years. We are exploring every option and are pursuing how we can meet this call. It's been amazing learning about all the ministries set up to supply grants to families like ours, but their wells often run dry as they just don't receive that much in giving. We hope others will prayerfully consider where the Lord leads them too in meeting the needs of the children of the world.




For additional reading on this call to the church please read here.

James 1:22-27 (ESV)
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Exodus 22:22-24
Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 (ESV)
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.

Jeremiah 1:4-6 (ESV)
Now the word of the LORD came to me, saying,
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you;I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
Then I said, "Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth."

Here are the thoughts of another blogger.

Political misuse of scripture.

First I want to state that a blog is a web log. Commonly a place to log ones findings on the internet. Now I know much of how I write on my blog is personal, but that I do often quote various sites.

This following post is something I found very interesting and important. I am not looking for a theological debate here. Simply to record what I took away from what Cal Thomas wrote.

____________

This is just frustrating. It seems like some Christians are taking notice, but many don't even know.

Just because you can find a word in a bible concordance to find a word to use for your speech does not mean that it's use will be appropriate or in context for the original meaning of the verse being used! It waters down the speakers own message as well as watering down the passage sited. Making no real statement other than that one has a functional understanding of a concordance. When siting scripture is not done exegetically it goes AGAINST scripture. The Word says to neither add or subtract anything from the word of God! And this statement is made multiple times, here are a few;Deuteronomy 4:2, Deuteronomy 12:32, Proverbs 30:6

You can read more about this here.

Thank you to Cal Thomas who pointed out on Fox News that the new President did this in his Inaugural address! If I could get a message to Mr. President I would say if you claim to be a Christian and seek to site scripture for your use, please do so with a full understanding of the passage you site.

Ten Indictments

This is a re:post from Joshua Elsom's blog

This message is something that has been heavy in my heart for years now. I've been from church to church wondering why prosperity gospel messages are so "popular" and only let people down eventually. The truth needs to be spoken. The bible needs to be preached! And done so accurately and without compromise.



Ten Indictments was delivered by Paul Washer at the 2008 Revival Conference, October 21st - 23rd in Lilburn, GA.

Court of Appeals Weighs Gideon Bible Controversy Today

So a judge on thursday basically said that the bible should be discriminated against, while anything else should be freely distributed. This is disturbing! Click here to read the full article.

Mat Staver commented on today’s hearing: “The Bible cannot be singled out for special penalties like contraband. How ironic that in America, until recent times, the Bible formed the basis of education, and now its mere presence is radioactive in the opinion of some judges. The Founders never envisioned such open hostility toward the Christian religion as we see today in some venues. To single out the Bible alone for discriminatory treatment harkens back to the Dark Ages. America deserves better. Our Constitution should be respected, not disregarded.

YAY SNOW!

We've finally gotten our first snow for the season. It started at 9 last night. Hasn't snowed much this morning though the clouds certainly look like they could dump more at any moment, and the temp is still low enough for snow and not rain!

Siggy loves snow just about as much as me, it seems. As soon as it started snowing he wanted to be taken outside. It was funny watching him eat snow flakes as they plopped from the sky. So excited, it was really cute. But because that was happening in the dark, I couldn't get a video of it. Maybe we'll get back out if it snows some more during daylight today.

Yesterday was a fair amount of rain before the snow, so it is a pretty wet pack right now. But with lots more snow on the horizon it should continue to get even prettier as time progresses. Maybe tomorrow I'll get some pictures taken before church.



The only down side about any weather system coming in and changing the weather so rapidly is that my arthritis goes super crazy. I was plastered into the bed all night and slept a somewhat restless 12 hours! The arthritis index is pinned at extreme for the next few days, and it certainly feels like that for me. Oh well, my cane is my friend, if only it were a walker, but I'll make do.

I'm just praising God for the beauty of the snow. I love how transformed everything is, from dirty and dry, to covered in white, this time of year, when it snows. It's so beautiful.

On to other topics. I'm thoroughly engaging in learning as much as I can about adoptions right now. We are more and more convinced that foster adopt looks like the route we want to go. Because adoption can be tricky with timing and placement, and with foster kids - emotions, we feel that while it's been good for us to have the adoption blog site, we'll be taking it down soon. Some posts will come here, and the things we can talk about will be posted here, but having a blog specifically, and only for our adoption story, isn't appropriate. If one wants to follow just adoption related posts they will be able to do so using the tags feature once I have things shifted over.

I've had some complaints about having my comments be registered users only. I'm not sure what to do right now, I need to keep my comment moderating secure, and it hasn't been fair to readers when commenters who do have a site registered somewhere post "anonymously" with just their name, this is meant to have commenter accountability. A lot of blogs function this way. What I may start to allow is a way to e-mail a comment in too, where I have the e-mail address, but it isn't visible in the post, and then allow comments that way. I've seen that on different blogging sites, but as of now, I haven't seen that feature available, readily, on blogger.

So, snow is pretty, arthritis is not, adoption stuff being studied, blog changes happening. Oh, and I'm blessed to have Kevin all to myself for the next 5 days as he's on vacation! While I may be in a lot of pain, life feels pretty good! Praise be to the good, one and true GOD!

Oh, and did I mention, YAY SNOW!

Writings on coping spiritually with the trials of life.

I haven't started getting into this article yet, but it looks good.

And also, I just came across a book that a blog friend of mine wrote. I hope to buy her book and read it as most anything she writes on her blog seems very auto-biographical of my own walk remaining faithful to God through this burden of A.S. and R.A.

This song is so comforting!

I will praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns



Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Job 1:21b
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

These thoughts and understanding of scripture is the new direction of my blog, why the name change to "A Perplexing Journey" and so on. I firmly believe God has a purpose and a reasoning for the suffering I endure with my arthritis and infertility. I simply and humbly pray the He will use me and my situations to reach other for Him. My faith is in His salvation and the blessing eternal life will be. This earth will fade away so fast in the context of eternity. I believe it is then that I'll be able to be rid of this weak and frail frame and have a new heavenly purpose in life. It's this hope and thanksgiving that keeps me going. God is good, and I will praise Him in my storms!

As a side note, here is a very quick and concise devotional along these lines.
The Lord Gives and takes away

Concern regarding "Seeker Churches".

The following is a video on a topic I am very concerned about. It's something I've seen as a growing concern in 'Christianity' today. Churches that want so desperately to attract seekers and teach almost exclusively on the gifts and blessings of salvation that they forget to even address why man needs salvation or what a growing faith looks like.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." - Brennan Manning. I site that quote because I see this following from these churches that are not leading their flock with bible centered teaching. By making sermons full of stories and psychology, with hints of verses promising prosperity followers are lead to have a very narrow view. It doesn't instruct how one is to live a life honoring God and as a result many followers claim to be Christian, but when you dive deeper into matters of faith, don't really have any answers other than that they know they're saved because they believe. While this is true it should also mean that one is called out, made different, and led to lead a new life, free of their past self with Christ as their example. When the rest of the world doesn't see any difference in a Christian, that, I believe, is where this over simplification is falling short, and actually only encourages unbelievers in their disbelief.

I hope this topic is something that all bible believing Christians, especially leaders, take to heart and act upon. This is a concern because it sets (new) followers up to be misguided and disappointed when life gets hard. It ushers in guilt to those who are suffering leaving some with a crisis of faith, wondering why they are still so afflicted if God is so good and kind and will just make like perfect. The truth I've learned in my faith walk isn't that God will take away my burdens (in this life), but that He will give me strength to get through them, and that through it others might see Christ in me. Only when I become a new Heavenly creation will my failing body and burdens of this world be fully released from me. This is where I cling to 2 Corinthians 4:7-18, and I see this in other parts of scripture as well. Please take the time to watch this video. It can explain more clearly what I am getting at.



Revelation 3:14-22

And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: 'The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God’s creation.

"'I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.'"

Thanksgiving for my burdens.

Today has been a very different Thanksgiving for us. It's the second time we've had Thanksgiving just the two of us. It's somber. But peaceful and nice. I made a big spread, Kevin praised me again for my cooking skills. I honestly don't know how I did it other than God saying "Now is a time to feast and give thanks!" My arthritis pain has been unbearable! And amazingly the only thing I burned was a tablespoon of butter as I was getting it melted to make apple crisp for dessert.

I still have a pretty nasty cold. I was amazed I was able to enjoy as much food as I did. As I sat eating with the love of my life, my hips and back were quickly making it such that I thought I wasn't going to make it through the whole meal. Amazingly I did. I sat and ate with my love, and talked and just enjoyed each other. It was really nice, aside from the pain. By the time I took my last bite I had to get up and start moving. I paced the kitchen, getting various things to pack up the bounty of leftovers. Someday I'll learn to make Thanksgiving dinner for two, but I've yet to figure out how to get the recipes right to do that, so I made way too much, at least I won't have to cook for the rest of the weekend!


Here was our menu:

For the meal:
Spiced apple cider Black Forrest ham with grated apple
Stuffing stuffed chicken breast
Cornbread stuffing with sauteed baby portabella mushrooms, celery, and onions
Cranberry jelly
A HUGE salad with every leafy green imaginable (OK, actually pretty much every veggie I could get in the store)
Baked mashed potatoes with garlic and bacon
Baked yams (with marshmallows, for Kevin)
Chicken gravy
Black olives

To drink:
Sparkling apple cider
Ice water

For dessert:
Traditional Creme Brulee
Apple Crisp



Quite a spread for just two people. And I'm thankful we were able to do that. We were among the crowds of people doing last minute meal shopping yesterday. We decided to do a Chicken breast instead of a turkey simply because it would have been way too much. I still bought a turkey however. It's in the deep freeze right now, so we can have it whenever. I bought the turkey even knowing we weren't going to have it today because there was a deal at the store; the ham, turkey, a sack of potatoes, and several other things, were all for a package deal at $20. I couldn't pass that up! So I have a whole turkey in the freezer! It feels silly, but it's good knowing I'm able to put food by after all this too.



And now to share what I've reflected on today while giving thanks:

I'm thankful for Kevin's job, that provides for us.
I'm thankful for health care, doctors, and modern medicine; all of which are helping me deal with arthritis at 29.
I'm thankful for the house that we have, and the home we keep for ourselves inside.
I'm thankful for my friends who pray for and encourage me.
I'm thankful For my church family, who is there for us so much, teaches us so much, and is sad for me on the Sunday's I'm too sick to make it to church or other events.
I'm grateful for the many gifts and blessings we've been given recently.
I enjoy the beautiful pictures I've both received and been in, nice memories to look at and reflect on.
I am blessed grateful and thankful that I'm able to be a housewife, and not needed to work outside the home; affording me the time I need to rest, and still get done the most critical things around home.
I'm thankful for real servants of Christ who help us with the upkeep of our home.
I'm thankful I have a cane, and soon a walker... these thing keep me moving!
I'm thankful for the days I don't need my cane or anything else.
I'm thankful for my cats, who remind me to rest, and love simply.
I'm thankful for the internet, and computers, and other various ways of keeping up to date and in touch with those I love.
I'm grateful for the simple life that we have.
I'm thankful for my husband, the love of my life. He is my constant help-mate, lover, nurse, and friend.
Most of all these, thanks are given to my loving God who continues to protect me and provide for our REAL needs. Who died for my sins giving me and all who are willing to believe salvation. We don't deserve any of it, and yet He continues to preserve and tend to those He's called out as His.

In closing, I want to share that I have been very run down for about 2 months straight. The cold and flu season is really hard for me even when I'm not on immuno-suppressive, but with treating my arthritis, my immune system takes a hit, and that's why I've been sick for so long. I get over one cold, just in time to catch the next one going around. Hopefully after this cold I'll be able to stay well long enough (a week) to finally take an injection. This is my HUGE prayer request right now. I know it makes me vulnerable again to any other colds going around, but honestly, after 4, you'd think that'd be it for this winter, right? I really want to inject because my arthritis is spiraling out of control. If I don't inject soon I'll need to go on steroids again because I can hardly rotate my back at all, believe me, that makes daily life tough. I don't want to go on steroids again, I don't like what it does to me. So my hope, and plan, and prayer is to get over this cold soon, stay well enough for a week, and then to inject and hopefully get my body moving again.

To all my fellow Chronic Pain readers, the following passage has truly been giving me lots of hope lately. I'm trying to keep it top of mind since my physical body is such a burden to me.

2 Corinthians 4:7-18

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase THANKSGIVING, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

This should be news

This story should be in the news, so I'm doing my part to at least spread it to my blog readers and maybe it'll get spread to others. This protest was completely inappropriate and at the wrong place at the wrong time!



For more on the incident read here.

Only sort of closed. Just temporary.

UPDATE: OK, so maybe closed isn't quite right. I'm looking to rename my blog, and change the focus on what I write about. There are lots of you both on blogger and facebook who have encouraged me that this blog is appreciated. I'm just tired of being hurt by negative, hurtful, mean-spirited, and misguided comments and messages. Many I don't publish, some I have. You may not see it all, but I do since it comes to me. And sometimes it feels too painful.

One thing that made me reconsider closing this entirely is a sermon I watched early this morning. I was up all night watching various things on T.V. I watched "Love Comes Softly" and "Loves Enduring Promise" and had a good girly cry a couple times during those movies. With it being just me at home I've kind of been a basket case. But I also watched a sermon by Charles F. Stanley called 'A Call to Godly Living'. It really spoke to me and gave me the courage to stick this blog out.

The sermon this week by Charles Stanley totally blessed me in the wee hours of this morning! My sleep is all off and I have no energy at all because of my arthritis. I'm sore and stiff and I'm basically awake when I can be awake, and asleep when I can actually get some sleep right now. I've been feeling so down and lonely this weekend, being home alone, and this message TOTALLY encouraged me!

If you catch this post within the week you can view the sermon here OR if you come to this post later you can purchase this sermon here. I plan on purchasing this sermon as I know this is a message that will encourage me again later too. Additionally you can read the sermon outline here

I still think this button is true for my blog...



But I am uplifted by the many kind words today. It's those of you who are kind who continue to make it all worth it. For the moment I'm still going to keep the archive off of the site, but will return it after I've migrated some posts for my own reasons. I tightened my blogs visibly as far as it being able to be searched for. I am also removing my e-mail address from my blogger profile and blog. Hopefully these measures will help shield me some from mean internet trolls.

Thank you to my kind readers. You are true friends!

I love Jennifer Leeper.

I'm posting this link to my friends blog post, not because of the pat on the back that she gave me, but because I love her too. I've posted before about how she's a missionary teaching in Thailand. Her friendship and personality are an encouragement to me. Go read my comment to her in her comments section if you want to read more gushing.

What I found strange this morning is that I don't think I have a single picture of the two of us together! How can this be!? Oh well, someday we'll correct that.

I praise God for my dear friends because it's their love that encourages me day in and day out. Even with the entire Pacific ocean between us, I daily have contact with her, and that is so cool! The internet is cool, and I'm glad we're able to use it to stay connected across miles of ocean and time-zones!

She cracks me up, I just got to looking at her Blogger profile page and had to laugh. OK, so on Blogger, when you're setting up your profile page, Blogger asks completely random questions. Mine is about a statue made of cheese, but her random question... well, here;
"Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies. How will you maintain your secret identity?

'As sad as it is, in this day and age we are constantly surrounded by lies. I will always smell of dandelions which is a heck of a lot better than poop.' "
I just had to laugh out loud because of that! Truth and humor, it's great!

So anyway, I'm thankful that even though I got up way too early this morning, that I came to the computer to read something from my dear friend Jennifer.

Fearful? or Vigilant?

1 Thessalonians 5:16-22
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.

In reaction to the results of the election I've seen many disappointed Christians say things like my faith is in Christ alone and not in man, and that God is in control. I do not deny those truths. They are accurate and true. I do agree that God is in control, my faith is in Him alone, and in the end God is who is victorious. However, the bible gives us plenty of warning about the judgement of God on nations that turn their back on Him. I still see the warnings of scripture and history and want to remain vigilant. It's not about being fearful, but being aware. Being ready like Lot to move at a moments notice and obey God or face His condemnation! God can't turn a blind eye to these things. I know I'm a sinner, but I don't want God to find me guilty of any of this downward spiral of our nation.

On Bill O'Reilly's show I thought he made a great point tonight. Sure, we now have to give Obama a chance to prove himself in the roll he's now earned, but the question still remains, "What does 'change' mean?" If you look at the political history of our president elect it is something that really is not good for this nation. He's extremely far left. He is not even anywhere near a centrist.

Now I am not a political pundit, while the news and politics is something I daily pour hours of time over I make no claim to say what the future holds any more than scripture (and history) reveals. I do however believe that we need to listen to the Holy Spirit and respond to sin when we see it. And I firmly believe that allowing more abortion in this nation is a huge grave sin. And that's just one thing.

I am a first generation American on my mom's side. My family has first hand experience with just how awful socialism is. (Czech was invaded by Russia) So to me I'm invested to not see this generation or the next face what my great grandparents, grandparents, mother and uncles faced. I think it's all too easy for American's to say such changes aren't going to happen here, but honestly how do we know that?

When I write about my infertility and arthritis, I am not writing abut being fearful of these diseases of mine. There may be times when it comes off that way, but ultimately I write about these things to reveal to others the life of someone with chronic illness and to wave victoriously that Christ alone is my hope and He will make me a new creation, giving me a heavenly body. But I do have this burden and journey in the mean time. Likewise I think our nation has just created for itself a great challenge and additional burden. I want to be aware, knowing historically how such things have impacted people and to speak out when I know things go against my faith and convictions.

I only want to be a sheep for our Lord a Savior. I want to learn and know all God is willing to impart to me. I don't want to be ignorant and blind along the way and then someday say, "but how did we get in this mess!?"

Sorry this is long, but it's something I feel passionate about. I think many Christians are too quick to become complacent to many issues simply from feeling overwhelmed or not wanting to get their emotions involved. Being passionate and being fearful aren't necessarily the same thing.

I'm grieving because of what is at stake, sensing that many Christians made a wrong choice by not voting with Christian morals in mind. Again, grieving isn't the same as being fearful either... grieving is an emotion for a period of time, and after such comes healing and actions. I am reacting to my own states passage of legalizing assisted suicide, my statement of grief isn't simply a reaction of who will next be president.

Right now is a time for asking GOD what is next, to seek HIS will and SPEAK when we are called to speak, and keep silent when we are called to be silent.

I hope you can understand these convictions of mine, and that I haven't offended you. I do not seek to divide believers, but to encourage all who claim to believe to not lay silent and to be aware of what is going on around them.

The faith and conviction of a child.

My bloggy friend Dana made an amazing post and I just want to pass the link on for others to read. Children learn more than we may realize a lot of times. They have amazing hearts, and they are constantly processing and forming opinions that often times adults are too lazy to care to contemplate. A child isn't afraid to form their opinion, and what a blessing it is when the proper environment instils a love for the Lord in a child, and that Love for the lord guides their hearts in their choices and decisions.

Health update.

So the last few weeks I've been pretty sick. Not really doing much of ANYTHING! I missed church twice. Last sunday I honestly was pouting in bed, trying to will my body to move, but to no avail. I so wanted to be at church, for whatever reason I had to stay home though. I was also dealing with on again off again fevers on the weekend.

My cold FINALLY feels like it's gone, which means I can inject again! I'm so thankful for that. But because it's been 5 weeks (it's normally 2 weeks) since my last injection, my arthritis is raging full force! My knees, back, hips, feet, hands, shoulders are all effected. Mostly my hips and hands and back. My hips keep making so much noise any time I move... it's kind of annoying.

I've had a few days where I've debated going to the ER to get something like vicoden, but really I can grin and bare most of it. And a lot of the pain and inflammation meds I do take, do take care of a lot. Right now I'm a hunch back though... the inflammation in my back and shoulders keeps slumping me over and down. I keep having to focus on sitting straight. It gets to be pretty painful.

I can't sit, stand, lay, or walk for very long... so I have to keep alternating between one or the other. I did make it to ladies fellowship a week and a half ago and by the end of the prayer I just couldn't stay seated anymore. I wanted to start pacing the floor or something, I just was so uncomfortable. I was really embarrassed by that. I always wonder if people think I'm rude for shifting or walking all the time, but if I don't the pain gets to where I can't think straight.

During the weekend when I was just sleeping and weak I didn't really have pain, for that I'm grateful, I had pain, but not like I do at this moment, taking the vitamins helped the energy issues but now pain is just out of control! I've been aggitated all morning. I cooked potato pancakes this morning, normally Kevin just makes himself oatmeal, but I felt like cooking this morning. I'm glad I did, we both enjoyed it, but sitting on my barstool felt like murder on my back, and then I'd try to stand and that felt like murder on my hips. I mostly sat and just enjoyed that I felt energy, but my hands are so horribly swollen. All puffy and watery. I'm back to icing them again, which gets frustrating.

I'm so amazed and thankful and grateful for my church family. There is SOOOO much that needs to happen at home. I'm still learning all the new ways I need to approach things, but these ladies have been so giving and so understanding and supporting. The prayer alone has been an amazing blessing. In the hardest parts of my disease I'd give anything to make it go away, but I know with out it, I wouldn't have need, and with this need I'm being blessed and I hope I'm blessing others. I hope that people can see that God is bigger than this burden of mine. That it's more than just being thankful for what others do for me, but that this shows the body of Christ at work, and all honor and glory goes to him, and not any one particular person.

I'm blessed beyond belief in how close this is drawing me into new and deepening friendships with some of the gals. I'm always a listening ear, and it's been wonderful to share and trust and pray.

Kevin was a work horse on laundry over the weekend. I'm so thankful to have a clean blanket on the bed! Simple joys! I need to kind of wrap this up because my fingers are very stiff. But I wanted to say that yes, I am in a lot of pain right now, but I'm thankful for friends, and for my Savior, and for my messy home that draws together the Body of Christ, oddly enough.

'The church of Oprah exposed.'

I do not watch Oprah. For years now there has just been something that rubs me wrong about her. I've been disturbed by the magazines in the check out line that month after month have her on the cover. I'm perplexed as to who buys it.

Last month I wrote a blog post "Does more harm than good" because someone had posted on my blog their advice to me, that I was causing my ailments to myself and that I needed to read this book they learned about from Oprah. I ignored it for the most part, the Oprah reference, and made my reply publicly known, but now I'm reflecting on how there really is a 'church of Oprah' and that commenter on my blog post was simple one of her followers, so blinded by a false truth that she accused me of causing my own issues and offered no real help at all.

I've come across several videos on YouTube tonight... just random surfing brought me to this, but it seems important to share what I landed on, and it made me think about that post from last month.

Now keep in mind, I firmly believe that the Bible is God's Holy word. That verses quoted are quoting God, with this in mind I quote the following...

Exodus 20:5 (English Standard Version) You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me.

In this video Oprah talks about her departure from traditional Christianity as a response to hearing a pastor talk about God being jealous. Now I agree that it is hard for us to understand in our limited human nature, but I want to point something out here. God is saying this because of idols and false gods, wanting His children to follow Him, the ONE TRUE GOD! It's our limited human understanding of the word jealous that makes us think of some wounded kid pouting about not having something, but that isn't all jealousy is, and it's not all God is. The bible is full of examples of the character of God. This is one of them, as is love, but it doesn't mean one negates the other. Just like people who know me could describe me as shy and open, just because I am shy doesn't mean I hide who I am, and just because I'm open doesn't mean I don't shy away sometimes... The same thing follows here.

So with this in mind, I leave you with one of the videos I came across tonight.


This next video is of Oprah on Larry King talking about that book that I was 'recommended' and she's describing the 'Law of Attraction' I guess something that is described in the book. As I'm listening to this I'm thinking this again limits God, and our relationship with Him. The good AND the bad in our lives are all gifts and journeys that God gives us and puts us on. To say that there is a 'Law of Attraction' to attain the things we desire not only limits God's gifts, but says, "God, I don't want what you want for me, but to dictate to you God what I want from you." and I think that's a very dangerous and shallow place to be.



So I post all this not to bash Oprah, but because I was suprised by all of this. I wanted to point out what God showed my heart while watching this, and simply to say why I dismissed that recommendation last month.

In all honesty I haven't given this woman much thought because I don't follow her, but as the first video rightly points out, there are many who do read her articles and watch her shows, and we need to be mindful of what we allow into our lives and homes.

Deuteronomy 5:29
Oh that they had such a mind as this always, to fear me and to keep all my commandments, that it might go well with them and with their descendants forever!

1 Chronicles 22:18-19
"Is not the LORD your God with you? And has he not given you peace on every side? For he has delivered the inhabitants of the land into my hand, and the land is subdued before the LORD and his people. Now set your mind and heart to seek the LORD your God. Arise and build the sanctuary of the LORD God, so that the ark of the covenant of the LORD and the holy vessels of God may be brought into a house built for the name of the LORD."

Isaiah 26:2-4
Open the gates, that the righteous nation that keeps faith may enter in.
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

Nehemiah 6:7-9

And you have also set up prophets to proclaim concerning you in Jerusalem, 'There is a king in Judah.' And now the king will hear of these reports. So now come and let us take counsel together." Then I sent to him, saying, "No such things as you say have been done, for you are inventing them out of your own mind." For they all wanted to frighten us, thinking, "Their hands will drop from the work, and it will not be done." But now, O God, strengthen my hands.

Proverbs 19:20-22
Listen to advice and accept instruction,
that you may gain wisdom in the future.
Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.
What is desired in a man is steadfast love,
and a poor man is better than a liar.

Proverbs 28:25-27
greedy man stirs up strife,
but the one who trusts in the LORD will be enriched.
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool,
but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
Whoever gives to the poor will not want,
but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse.

God knows what He's doing - So true!

Often times I come into discussions with people who want to pray away my arthritis or infertility. As if these issues are simply a weakness of faith, and they can fix it. This saddens me. Not the question of faith (though that has it's own issues) but because it limits God, His will, and His plans.

I would love to rid myself of these burdens, but intellectually I know that this is my body, my make up and my issues to deal with. Intellectually I know there are medical steps I can take to care for and manage my diseases, and I know my doctors have my best care in their interest.

Chronic disease and illness and infertility are all things that non-believers deal with too. These health issues are something that alienates and frustrates, even depresses. Who is going to reach out to such a person? To help them find grace and hope in Him? Someone who leaves them with broken promises and an accusation of not having enough faith to heal themselves? No, I think the people who might reach those people are the ones who know the depths of that despair and yet still have some hope in something. In God.

I want a normal life again, I want to have a day go by where I'm not limited with daily back pain and fatigue, and sleep issues and all the rest of the things I complain about, but if I didn't have these things, would I still have that connection with others? Would my story matter to them as much?

Now I'm not saying I have a track record of saving souls through my illnesses, I honestly have no idea if there are people out there seeking God because of my words, but, I have hope that I am doing His will, and that as a result others would see God's grace through me. I do know that people listen and internalize though, and that maybe they might not make a change of heart at this moment, but maybe it plants seeds and from there growth and spiritual healing begins, and isn't spiritual healing more important than any earthly physical healing?

Sometimes I hear people say God doesn't desire struggles and sadness for His children, but I struggle with accepting that at the same time as knowing there is an entire book, the book of Job, where God allows so many things to happen to Job. I am not saying I am Job, but I am saying that the Word does show us examples of God allowing His faithful to endure horrific things. And in the end is what matters. In the end of Job's story he has a deeper understanding of the awesomeness of God, he has a greater appreciation of the gifts he receives from God, and his testimony of faith grows from it. What an amazing legacy! And all through suffering.

Our pastor recently wrapped up a sermon series on the book of Job, and the whole thing was very much an encouragement to me. Even though the sermons have now switched gears to the book of John, God is still having me examine Job's story... Yesterday I made a new online friend who also has Ankylosing Spondylitis. It was so encouraging to see another sister in Christ dealing with the same issues as me. I'd never wish this on anyone, but knowing I'm not walking this road alone was a great encouragement! Still thinking about Job, while rejoicing over this new friendship, I opened my blog feeds to see a new post from her, and it was on none other than this very topic! Amazing how God is laying the same Word on our hearts!

After I read her post the ending stood out to me quite a bit.

God owes no one anything. No reasons. No explanations. Nothing. If he gave them, we couldn’t understand them. God is God. He knows what he is doing. When you can’t trace his hand, trust his heart.

Please read her post as a whole, but I had to share that part because it's so true. If God heals me of this disease and/or gives me children that is only out of His goodness, grace, mercy, and would truly be a gift. But I can't be envious of not having that gift. Just because it's possible doesn't mean it's intended for me. I may have far greater gifts and blessings in my future that I can't understand now... Having an entire book in the #1 read book in all the world certainly would be a huge treasure, but I seriously doubt Job had any idea of that as he endured his sufferings.

I firmly believe there is a purpose for me being at home, sitting on the net in my PJ's, making connections with others on this road and praying for and with them about these things. This will not change the fact that I have days like yesterday where all I could muster was to text my hubby to pick up pizza on his way home. Or the times when the chemical issues of my illnesses cause me depression, but what does change is how I get through it all, that while things feel overwhelming on a constant basis I still have my hope and faith in Christ. I still trust that a day will come when His believers are taken to a new life, a heavenly life. I so look forward to that day! I hope my journey encourages others to find such a hope for themselves as well.

I'm so thankful for this new friendship. The isolation has felt overwhelming, and as I was going through her blog I was reading things that I swore I've written myself. There is a sense of camaraderie there, that isn't found elsewhere. And I can't think of many other causes or reasons that would bring a new friendship together between to different people on opposite ends of the states together other than God and His amazing gifts. The internet is a powerful tool, and I'm blessed that when I prayerfully use it, God uses it with me to my benefit.

I've also been focusing on Romans 5:1-5 (ESV) My dear friend Dana brought it back to my attention recently and I am seeing it with a greater understanding this time. Dana is also a blessing of friendship that God has blessed me with. She also struggles with her infertility, and yet continues to find her hope and faith in Him. Her openness, honesty, and candid reflections of her journey blesses me. I've often meditated on Romans 5:1-5, but have found now that I've missed a major part of it.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

The part I have been missing is the journey. It's so easy to see the gifts in this passage and say "Yes, Lord! I claim this for me! Give me!" But there is a reason this passage lays out a journey. You don't get instantly teleported from sufferings to hope, there's mile markers along the way, there is endurance, and character, and then, finally we get to hope. I see how in other parts of my life and spiritual walk I've arrived at hope, but I see that in this particular journey I'm still somewhere between suffering and endurance. I see too that the times I've made this journey have given me the roadmap to hope on this particular trek, for that I am thankful. The peace I have through faith is how I am reminded of this. It's were I've seen my past sufferings grow me to the point I am now, and equipping me with the understanding that "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings!" because only by dealing with suffering can I walk the path of endurance, character and hope.

Another blog post I cam across that follows in this thread is here, for those of you who want to read this topic further now.

When there is no words, pray.

Today I'm praying for those effected by child loss, miscarriage, and infertility. Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. It's a day that I think gets lost in the shuffle of an entire month devoted to breast cancer awareness. It's also a day that is for a topic many are uncomfortable ever talking about. Too much pain, or they don't want to isolate themselves, or they fear hurting others. No matter what, it's important for these suffering women and couples to know that they are not alone. To know that a quarter of all pregnancies are lost to miscarriage and that there are people out there who will listen and pray with you if you need to talk.

So often in this day and age we feel we need to have some wise words of wisdom to make someone stop hurting, but the sad truth is we as humans are limited and incapable of this. This is where my response is to pray. To allow myself to be open to the support God would have me be. I know I've failed supporting some of my friends who've suffered this loss, that I'm sure they feel like they need more. What I know they need is healing and prayer is how I'm best able to help. Please know that for each of you I pray God continues to heal your hearts and that someday you can feel OK again, and again love the gifts and joys that are in your life currently. Grief is never an easy thing, it takes many different forms, and we are not meant to grieve alone.

For now I want to close with some scripture that has been dear ro my heart recently.

Romans 12:5 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace."

To my Californian friends and family.

A friend of mind from college posted this on his blog, and I watched the video and feel it important to post this on my blog as well. If you are a voter in California please watch this video. It's a piece of current events that very well may spread to California as well if the homosexual agenda has it's way. What I take most concern with is that these parents are denied their right for parental consent on such delicate issues. There are some things that just shouldn't be in the life of a 5 year old, and discussions of sexuality are one of them! Let children have their childhood, not confusion.

Epiphany?

Tonight I'm struggling with the question of if I'm not being as close to Kevin as I could/should be because of my personal grief and suffering as an infertile woman. I'm not saying that we're hurting or anything right now, things are really good actually. I'm just wondering why I'm not enjoying these days of life with just the two of us more?

What got me thinking about all of this was looking at wedding pictures from a friend from junior high/high school. We're the same age, and he only just got married, I've been married 8 years. I tend to look at the other friends pictures more... the ones who've been married this long too, and now have 3 kids... and then I feel so horribly behind. I mean I did envision having that many this long into marriage myself, and I feel like these other friends are living my life. But THIS is my life. Me and Kevin, and our two cats, and our two fish. I think what keeps me from truly just enjoying this for what it's worth is worrying about others perceptions. I don't ever want people to think that we don't like kids, or that we don't want to have kids. People come to their own assumptions and conclusions too quickly without knowing the facts and this has hurt me before. We left a church because of that. That was huge. But also, I have such a gift of time right now. People wonder what the heck I do all day... well, this is some of it, writing on my blog, and following the blogs of my friends. Social network sites too, and reading books, watching the news, making meals, light housework, and before I know it, it's 5 and Kevin's home and the evening unfolds and another day ends. Or I'm off to a doctors appointment and maybe another errand, both types of things end up being all day tasks as the drive out of our area is so long.

Even before the disability of arthritis or the loneliness of infertility, I've always been a person stuck in my head. Always writing down more than I'd ever share in person, but willing to share with friends, and pen-pals who would read my scribbles. This is much the same now with blogging. So I've always spent my time much like this. It gives me peace, and a sense of human connection.

I was reading about my personality type yesterday. My type tends to mentally hold many things in all at once, and tends to have a hard time expressing these thoughts when needing to. It's probably why I prefer writing so much more than speaking. I can write and rewrite, and edit myself until I feel comfortable that my words should hopefully get across what needs to be said. But I know the weakness in this form of communication is not everyone reads every word and can often miss things if they don't hear it.

I'm going off in tangents and circles, but that's how my type things. Everything is interconnected in some real way that effects other things, but it's not linear. It's true for me too in how I and the world around me interact, or don't interact... I was cuddling Siggy today, and I had so much joy and peace and love simply from snuggling with my sweet, submissive, and loyal pet. But my brain was spinning, going in circles of if someone is missing him, wondering about his previous family. Someone had to have trained him to be so good. I wondered if it was simply the wondrous work of his foster family alone? I focused on just loving him back, regardless of how he came to the shelter and then rescue, he ultimately ended up in my home, sharing love with me. God's timing brought me the right cat at a time when I needed him and he needed Kevin and I. I'm blessed to have this fur-baby. He gives me perspective. And Lord willing, someday I might have a similar story of a child too.

With much prayer and focus, and love and prayer from others, my haunting dreams on my flesh and blood child are no longer keeping me from sleep. I again am at peace with the idea that we are most likely going to adopt, and while that child still feels so real, I understand that she may only exist in my dreams, or she may be someone I have to wait much longer to meet, but for now, I know it does not do to dwell on why she isn't here right now.

Why can't I be a newlywed of 8 years? Is the honeymoon only that very first vacation, or month or year? Over time and with routine, why do we become complacent, wanting more than just simple love and romance? If I did have children, would I still have this emptiness and be feeling it for something materialistic? I don't want that. I don't want infertility and childless to be an object. I don't want it to be a distraction. My life and time right now is still simple, as it was 8 years ago. I should enjoy this.

I'm grateful our love is not like some marriages that resemble being room-mates. We love each-other and are invested in each other, but how much of a fine line is it between not feeling like life is enough to pushing each-other away for your own lives? I don't want anything to distance us from each other.

Kevin will be an amazing father, but day in and day out, he doesn't think of our empty house in the same way I do. This puzzles me. And I know it's not that he doesn't want to be a dad, just that who he is is someone so in the moment that he sees things not immediately attainable as separate from the now. To me that ability seems like a gift and a curse. Who I am is constantly trying to see the big picture, the future, and to have an action plan. I don't want to be sitting on my hands, I want to be ready to move at a moments notice when the timing is right. Somehow we both need to come to the middle and share our strengths here.

On Friday a couple church family members came over and helped me with my kitchen. I still feel awful that things are this bad and that I have to ask for help. I worked most of the time along with them, but even still I was leaning on counters and sitting a lot, my back simply did not want me to work through a complete task, which is typical, and how this problem started to begin with. Throughout the day we got to know each other so much more. It was amazing how much you learn about someone in the comforts of your home instead of the formalness of a different place. The companionship and friendship made me forget all my issues of shame and regret about why my house is in such sad shape. One of the ladies brought her grand daughter. At first I wasn't sure what to expect. It's not like a 4 year old is going to be much help with a days worth of housework. But she was a joy to have around. She kept breaking out into song, and listening to the stories and sharing her own. It was just so neat to have her there. It also truly made me feel special that someone thought about bringing their kid (grand-kid) to our place, sometimes we can feel a bit closed off, and really we are completely open to our friends with kids, I just worry about if they get bored... But she didn't. She loved my cats, and my coloring pages, and when I think back to other times when we've had kids visit that tends to be the case, I don't need to worry about them not having a playmate while here. I'm sure it's be nice, but I'm seeing it's not required. Maybe this can calm my fears of if my children will have friends from our friends and family or not. And hopefully we'll be able to lead our kids to see the value of people both older and the same age as them. But that issue of discipline, as much as I think about it now, really ought to be saved for when it will later matter.

I'm still humbled and ashamed that I have to ask for help, that I can't simply act out all the cleaning and organizing I know needs to happen here. But in my weakness God is blessing me. He's giving me gifts of kind souls, friendship, fellowship, love and support. There has already been mention of helping me regularly, which I know I need. I'm still hurt to have to consider such a thing, but after this first time of accepting help, I see it's not such a bad thing. It helps knowing these loved ones are doing it out of Christ's love and Christian understanding, I don't think I'd be as OK with this if it was simply someone coming in to fix this mess. One of the most wonderful things about this jump start in reclaiming my kitchen is the relief in not having this continue to loom over me. To see this burden lifted, it lifts my spirits, praise God for loving friends and giving hearts!

Right now, it's 2 am and I should be sleeping. It's the Lord's day, and in a matter of hours I need to be rested, making the au gratin I'm brining for fellowship meal and preparing for heading to church. But I can't sleep, not simply because my brain is going, but because my neck and back are messed up. I'm waiting for this cold to go away so I can take my injection again. Life is a puzzle, there is always one thing that must be in place before another thing can come together. I could take my injection to reduce my inflammation, but then I risk this cold becoming an infection, I know I shouldn't risk it. I've had pneumonia before, and I was miserable, if I can avoid ever having it again I would. But in the mean time I'm still dealing with my muscles, and I'll be sleepy, and whatever other consequences, but that should be better than pneumonia. Just like waiting on God's timing for children should be better than whatever might happen now if I simply had my wish and continued to deal (or not deal,) with these other things.

It's all circles, and puzzle pieces, fragments, and tangents. But God keeps making clear my path, I'll continue to trust in Him. Looking forward I may feel lost, but looking back I truly see the blessings of how our needs have been provided for. My heart mends, and I hold hope that the cracks in my heart that hurt me now, will also be healed someday.

Anne's kindest words!

The following is what my friend Anne wrote to me in the comments section of the post "Infertility my land of captivity!" I feel compelled to bring this post forward because I see so much truth in it!

Anne and her husband had many years of infertility. She also has PCOS. Lost her first baby, and eventually, through much effort has been blessed with a beautiful daughter! Kevin and I have known Sean and Anne since before either of us got married. Through the years it's been interesting seeing the journey's God is carrying us along, and how through our sorrows we are able to be helpers to each other.

Please take a moment to take to heart Anne's words. These are things I believe myself and I appreciate that she wrote them. Anne is someone who, while she isn't a childless mother, is blessed with a genuine sensitivity for her friends still longing for children, she hasn't pushed aside the struggle it took for her to get where she is now.

Crystal, you have eloquently stated the heart cry of so many women! Thanks so much for sharing. Even being on the 'other side' of IF, I still can't answer those the 'Why?'... it still haunts me. I have no answers, but I wish I could give you a big hug right now and encourage you.
Please don't worry about bringing others down!! If you can't be honest with your friends, without feeling judged or worrying they'll feel awkward, are they truly friends?? We live in a society that has a false sense of happiness - that is not the only valid emotion. And I personally think that it's the uncomfortable, awkward things that can help us grow. Society and The Church (!!!!) need to be aware of what goes on in the heart of an infertile young woman. A young married couple having kids is the accepted norm, and there are so many unbiblical and (I think) evil assumptions about IF in the church. The only way we will find the support we need and be able to reach out to others experiencing the same heartbreak is to share our story, share the depths and truth of the grief we encounter. It's a dangerous place to travel, because you will suffer rejection and misunderstanding and judgment. But there is a level of healing in sharing what's on your heart! And you will find the reward of friendship in places you didn't expect!!
With regards to the dream... I pray that it is fulfilled soon. And don't rule out adoption because of it! The friends I have that have adopted see those children as the children of their own flesh and heart. There is no difference to them. Despite my own doubts and unbelief, I DO believe that God can do miracles (Lord, I believe! Help me in my unbelief! Mark 9:24). Keep seeking His heart. Take steps of faith. It is the Lord who directs your path. (Prov 3:5,6; 16:9)
Love you!

Here is what I wrote back to Anne for her dear love and friendship.

"YOU ARE AN AMAZING FRIEND! THANK YOU for the kind and heartfelt comment on my blog post regarding my dreams and infertility. You're loving support is a God given gift to me! You're words of support brought tears to my eyes. Your story gives me hope for my own journey. I truly appreciate that you know the depth of the pain and darkness of such a struggle and you still love and support those you know suffering.
Thank you for your love!
Love,
Crystal"

infertility - my land of captivity

I've been battling in my head if I should post all of this or not, as I've been trying to post less personal things, but on the other hand this is something I feel needs to be shared. Something that is burdening my heart, and something I need others to understand.

There are two things in my life that seem to greatly alienate me from other women my age, and that's infertility and depression, and depression often feeds off of my infertility.

I feel this strong need to let others know just how badly this hurts, but on the other hand I don't want to bring people down, and I don't want to be told not to dwell on such things. If only I could life would be so much simpler.

Recently I found some old friends on-line, and when I do I usually like to dig out old photos to scan and share with them on-line. I was doing this again and these particular friends where from a time in my life when I was helping out with my mom's at home daycare quite a bit. Most all of the photos of me were with kids. Holding babies and pushing strollers, I was just a young teen, but I remember then thinking about how my hopes were to marry young and be a young mom, I did the marry young part, but my body had other plans. When those photos were taken they seemed natural and it looked like I'd enjoy life with kids from that moment on, but very sadly that hasn't been the case.

Lately I've been having dreams about holding our child in my arms. Usually she's about 2 or 3, chubby and with my dark features. She's a beautiful blend of the two of us. I never want to wake up from these dreams because I know during them that they're just dreams. I know when I wake up there will still be a messy quiet house with an empty nursery. I know that I'll wake up sad, feeling the sensations still seeming real, but fading as I wake. Depression and sadness filling that emptiness before I can even try to rationalize things as I become more awake.

The thing I keep hoping I can get across is the immense sense of loss this makes. Every time I wake up from these dreams it's as if I did have that baby and they have now passed away and are gone from me. It feels like a death, a death of someone I've never yet had to begin with. This sadness only grows the depression. And it starts afresh each time these dreams return. The process of grief keeps playing out only to start over all over again just when I feel like I have a handle on my emotions again.

I don't know why my life has always felt so certain to always include kids. I truly imagined that I'd be home-schooling children by now - not still waiting and hoping to open my arms to a child. I feel so horribly behind from what my dreams have been. I can't see how to make things happen when they just wont. I see my nephew and nieces get older and older, and wonder if they'll even care about my kids when and if we ever have them, or if by then they'll be too old to connect with our kids. These worries break my heart. I think about this with all our friends too, I see them all growing wonderful families and I wonder, by the time we have kids, will everyone be done? Will I be forced to meet new people and have more circles of friends just to insure that my kids will have someone to play with? I just can't understand why Kevin and I are left so far behind.

I'm tired of grieving, I want to wake up and know that the baby in my arms in my dreams is the same one in my house, but he or she still isn't here. It hurts like when my cat passed away, it hurts like when my grandpa passed away, it hurts like any other great loss... And yet only I have ever bonded with this child of my dream. Only I have seen the way they smile, the way they'd smell after a bath, the sound of their voice, only I've gotten to know them, so no one else feels this sense of loss. People may sympathize, but I grieve alone.

I really don't want to bring the moms I know down, but imagine your child, imagine the love and joy you have of the little things about them, and then imagine they just don't exist, I'd imagine you too would start to see how I can grieve a death of a person who's yet to live.

I know my life has too many issues right now. I know I can't even keep up with making all my appointments let alone someone else's life right now. I know my arthritis still limits me too much, that my inability to keep house makes the environment too dangerous for a wee one, and that God knows the best timing. But when I look back I just hurt more and wonder why this arthritis had to pop up now anyway!? We finally have a home, and I'm able to stay at home and not work, those things seem like perfect timing for starting a family... so why not now? All I can do is hope, I read Jeremiah 29:11-14 and ponder if this is a truth for me too, that this exile of mine will someday be replaced? I have to keep on believing that God has more for me. Why did He grow in my heart the desire all those years, only to keep me home alone, and in pain?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."

So please Lord, bring me back, heal me enough to follow out these dreams. Take this burden of emotional pain. Show me this child that lives only in my dreams, let me love her, nurture her, raise her. Let me bring her up to honor You! Let this future family be an honor to You, that we may see others come to see Your love, salvation, and hope.

I can't understand this grief that fills my heart, and I want a way to heal and change. I've seen myself heal and grow from my other losses, I don't want this to forever burden me.

Give me hope Lord, give me understanding in how this is to happen, heal my broken lonely heart. Help others to be more sensitive of the words they share, and guide their hearts to know just how emotional and delicate this heart is because of infertility. If I've had it wrong all these years, if children is not what You've ever had in mind for us then I deeply need healing. I need to know why all these years We've been preparing for something that has never happened. I need to know why it was important to both Kevin and I when were were courting that we agreed on the fact that we did both want children someday. I need to know and understand why I have to live with all of this.

I do know that I've been brought close to women I would never have meet otherwise because of our common issue, I've seen friendships grow as we pray for each-other, and I know that we as humans need other humans and this is something God has His hand in. But the path is one I can't understand, I just have to look at the things I can grasp and wonder what else God is teaching me that I need to open my eyes and heart to see.

The other issues these dreams make for me is that of which path to take. In my dreams I have no doubt that the child is my blood. That she is made from Kevin and I, that she is our biological child. We've talked for years about adoption and foster to adopt and I have not closed my heart to such things, but these dreams make me feel this sense of considering anything other than natural childbirth as wrong. It's a new grief that I've never dealt with. I never thought I was this attached to having my own child. I suppose so much comes from watching the amazing journeys of all my friends who have given birth or are pregnant, and I know I wonder what it would be like for me if we were given that miraculous and blessed chance.

I don't know what else to write about, or if there is something I shouldn't have. This is immensely personal, and yet here I am feeling I need to share this with the world. But I know their are others who hurt like I do and yet still believe as I do. I know I need for those who care about me to know the grief I'm trying to deal with. I just want to heal, and it does me no good to keep this hurt inside and to myself. All it does is fuel depression and keep the cycle going. I hope this post is one that teaches and helps. It is not my intention to bring others down simply because I deeply hurt. I pray for understanding for myself, and for those who read this.

Here are a couple videos I enjoyed today.

Tightening my circle. Guarding my words.

I'm an introvert, so I don't ever feel compelled to be in large groups of people talking to everyone throughout the night. To me parties are draining. I see them as impersonal and surface. I know there are many out there who can't relate, but this is who I am.

It follows too in who I trust. I keep a few very close friends, and others I don't have as deep of a friendship I don't feel compelled to communicate as often with. I guard what information I share about myself, I'd rather have a few close friends who know many things about me, than to be bragging about myself to anyone and every one I've ever met.

I'm finding I'm posting less and less personal things here, and I think it's a natural progression as I've been finding effective ways to share what I need to with the people I'm closest to in other ways. I often am unsure as to what to post here, in such a public place anymore.

I think as a result I will continue to blog here, but that you might not see as many post here as once were.

I'm not on here to make lots of friends, or get comments from people I really don't know. I'm not that kind of social. I'm much more drawn to my husband, my closest friends, and our church.

I started thinking too that this is God's work in me. I know God calls us to focus our hearts, and thoughts on Him. "May the words of my mouth, and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to You, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. -Psalm 19:14" so I still feel I need to proclaim the message of Christ on my blog, I still like sharing photos, and writing general posts. But I do feel I need to guard myself on line too. Proverbs 16 also talks about the tongue of man and what He wants of us, and how when we are focused on Him in words and thought our lives show honor to Him. Colossians 2:8 (ESV) - "See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ."

I am acutely aware that as a Christian I am separated from many in the world. I've chosen this life, and want it! I want to be made different, I am different; And I'm grateful to be not of this world. John 15:19 (NIV) "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." 2 Corinthians 6:17 (NIV) "Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you."

As a result though, I can't relate to everyone out there. That's OK. Through grace God can use me for His work in anyone He sees fit. But who I am to surround myself with, to grow my faith, that is to be of concern to me, growing my heart in faith to my dear Lord and Savior, I need the right people around me encouraging me for this, and I for them.

I've always had a strong interest in Psychology; what it offers to those who suffer emotionally, but also what ties it makes to Scripture. I think this is why I was so committed to studying counseling at a Christian college verse just studying Psychology at any other college. I think for me, learning how to have friends I can truly trust first came from my studying psychology and then morphed into my seeing how this is more greatly reflected in scripture. A common mantra psychology offers for someone needing a true friend to help them through grief or depression is to surround oneself with only people who would bring you up. To separate yourself from those who bring you down and cause you more problems. Oh how modern aids mimic the strength of scripture!

I know there are those in Christ who don't see much value in modern psychology, and in all honesty aside from what it's connections are with scripture I've been loosing interest myself. This article makes an interesting case for gaining our counsel from Christ, and Biblically focused psychology. To me, this is where my interests in psychology lay, also adding an interest in personality types. But going back to my topic...

All this comes around to a particular passage that was probably one of the first pieces of scripture to make a deeper impact on me as a child. It made me think about my words, what is said, who hears it, what it's intent and purpose is. I honestly believe this passage being impacted on me at such a young age is one of the many things that has lead me to become such an introverted adult. This passage is; Proverbs 10:19-21 (ESV) "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver; the heart of the wicked is of little worth. The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense." I remember I was in 2nd grade when I read that passage. It was one of the first things I found in my new bible that I received from the church at that age. It's always been interesting that it's had such an impression on me, what I first read from my very own first copy of The Holy Word.

When I read Romans 1:11-13 (NIV) I see in scripture this need to have my friends be of the same faith as me. To build each other up together, and to live together in Honor to our Lord. To strengthen our faith and help each other grow in the Lord. "I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith. I do not want you to be unaware, brothers, that I planned many times to come to you (but have been prevented from doing so until now) in order that I might have a harvest among you, just as I have had among the other Gentiles."

Philippians 2:1-3 (NIV) Is another example of love and friendship in the body of Christ. "If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."

Why then would I not make my closest circle of friends my church family? What a blessing my church family is! I couldn't imagine any circle of friends better then those who love and encourage me, not just in friendship, but in Christ!

A favorite quote.

Something I'm working on is making a third column on my page here. I want to put my favorite bible passages and favorite quotes in it.

Here is a favorite quote of mine that I'm going to add. I figured I'd at least blog it now that I found who said it.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." — Brennan Manning

It is truly a great reminder to live one's faith not just by words, but by action. To not just say 'oh sure I believe in God', but to immerse myself in His word, to make it to church, to surround myself in uplifting Christian fellowship, and also to live as an example to others, to share why my faith is important to me, to honor Him with the words I speak, to be different so others wonder why and draw themselves close to Him. What an encouragement and challenge all rolled into one with this quote!

If you know any great sites for seeking quotes please let me know. I know of ThinkExist, but I'm sure there are others too.

Just remember I love you.

Yesterday, when I was in the bathroom I noticed that the shower radio was still hanging from my jewelry dresser. See, it's been there since Tony-cat's last couple days. When we had him quarantined in the bathroom, we left a radio on for him, so he wouldn't be so stressed when we weren't in there to soothe him. Anyway, I got curious wondering what station it was left on. We haven't used it since then. I didn't quite catch the station, and I remembered it was one I wasn't familiar with since it was like the only calm one we could get on the tiny radio (since we're so out in the middle of no where.)

I was only able to listen to the last part of the song that was on when I turned it on, I had to turn it back off. But what I heard seemed so sweet, even if it isn't my musical taste.

Looking things up today, it's a song called "Just Remember I love you" by Firefall.

The following lyrics are all I caught, and with thoughts of Tony cat it just brought tears to my eyes...

"When the blues come cryin' at the break of dawn
When the rain keeps fallin' but the rainbow's gone
When you feel like cryin' but the tears won't come
Then your dreams are dyin' when you're on the run

Just remember I love you
And it'll be all right
Just remember I love you
More than I can say
Just remember I love you
And it'll be all right
It'll be all right
It'll be all right
It'll be all right"

The song is uplifting. While I was looking for it today, I also came across this fan video and thought that bringing Jesus into the song is very appropriate, I don't know if that was the original intent, but hearing the portion of the song at the same time as I was reflecting on my loss of my dear cat, it did feel like a sweet God given gift.



We had a relaxing memorial day. I did remember others, not just my cat, but that story was one I wanted to share. We didn't do too much. It turned out to be kind of a movie day. We bought discounted movie tickets from Kevin's work a week or so ago. We saw both Prince Caspian (Narnia 2)
And the latest Indiana Jones movie (Indiana Jones and the crystal skull) I think we both liked Prince Caspian better. But Indiana Jones wasn't bad. I thought they did a good job reviving the roll, and adding Shia LaBouf to the cast was great. The ending was the only thing that seemed weird to us. But it doesn't ruin it.

We weren't sure what to think about Prince Caspian going in, we heard comments that it wasn't very close to the book. It seemed fine to us though. We noticed parts that were missing, but not much that was needlessly added, seemed like a gem of a movie and I loved the music. I hope to get the soundtrack as well as the DVD when it comes out.

After spending the day at the theater we went to Target and got a few new DVD's too. One of the sets we picked up is a Bruce Willis triple pack. We then watched Mercury Rising when we got home. Lazy day, but a nice short vacation.

I hope everyone else had a peaceful memorial day and had a pause to remember those they've loved and those that have served.

Missing Tony, loving Siggy & Maddie. Caring for animals.

I love my cats dearly. My heart has three of them, even though my house only has two. Tony passed away not even a year ago yet, and sometimes it feels like it's been a very long time since I lost him, other times it feels like just yesterday that I was hauling him back and forth to the vet.

I miss that darn cat. And with him being the first pet I strongly had attachment to (I've had fish, but they aren't the same in my mind.) it crushed me, the finality of our relationship. I started to seek what scripture would say because I just can't accept that the love Tony cat and I share is over. The only thing I really got from searching was a verse about the beast goes to the ground, and where does man go? (Ecclesiastes 3:21) when you compare different versions of this text, few attribute beast to mean animal. Making my mind think that there is a difference between, say, the animals we care for as family (animals), and the animals we care for to raise for food (beasts). I hope I'm not adding to scripture here, but I have difficulty reading this verse and understanding it in any other way.

Over the months since my loss I've sought out what other believers believe on this topic. Today I was reading a blog post from a blog I just recently started to follow and the information within seemed to at least offer some peace and hope.

I know some of our dear friends and family have also had to deal with loosing a beloved animal too recently, so I encourage others to read the post I came across.

This post is made in loving memory of my dear Tony. And in honor of Maddie and Siggy.


TONY

Siggy

Maddie

Apparently my vote doesn't matter to the California Supreme Court! - UPDATED.

So back when I was a California voter I voted in favor of a ban to start gay marriage in California. To me it is a matter of preserving the tradition of what a sacred marriage is as defined by God in His word. In a day and age where divorce is the biggest disaster to marriages, I didn't want to see anything more soil and ruin what marriage means. I know it doesn't change my own marriage, but I do see both as making marriage seem like a joke. I don't want my commitment to my love to seem like a joke.

I'm disappointed with Arnold Schwarzenegger who is saying he won't stop this. Back when he was running for office he had a completely different stance on this matter. Can we say "flip-flopper!?"

Here is the information from the AP as reported by FoxNews.com. Thursday, May 15, 2008.

"SAN FRANCISCO — The California Supreme Court has overturned a ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California to become the second state where gay and lesbian residents can marry.

The justices released the 4-3 decision Thursday, saying that domestic partnerships are not a good enough substitute for marriage in an opinion written by Chief Justice Ron George.

The cases were brought by the city of San Francisco, two dozen gay and lesbian couples, Equality California and another gay rights group in March 2004 after the court halted San Francisco's monthlong same-sex wedding march that took place at Mayor Gavin Newsom's direction."

Now what I find peculiar is I was actually in California this last Thursday. I don't remember seeing ANY news about this at all then. Now granted, when I'm visiting with family I'm not watching the news anywhere near as much as I do, but I would have thought the info would have come up at some point. So what does this seem to mean? Were they trying to give themselves time on the decision before making it public, kind of like the cooling off period with buying a house or a car? I'm sorry, but if you are going to change the voice of the voters don't you owe it to them to release the info right away? I'm not saying anything is shady, just that it doesn't rub me right. I suppose if I had heard the news when they made the decision I might not have left for home as soon as I did and had gone to the capitol to make my protest known. Then again, what voice does a Washingtonian who was run out of California (because of it's cost of life) have on the matter. Am I just blabbing to the breeze. It just bugs me, I take my right as a voter seriously. And now I've seen the California Supreme court basically tell me that my vote was stupid to them and they want to just ignore it.

Update:

One more quick read on the matter is here.

A simple primer on Biblical giving.

Since Kevin and I have never had much in the way of finances we've always struggled with the concept of what God requires of us with our giving. We found the more we investigated the more the modern interpretation of giving 10% of all the cash that comes your way is NOT the biblical model for giving. It's not that we don't want to part with our money, we know many churches, ministries, and missionaries we wish we could support more, but when it comes to keeping food in the house verses strict giving (set by man) it ends up becoming a struggle. We've had to learn "new" ways to give. I invest much of my time listening to others and spending time in prayer, being a needed friend and hopefully reflecting God's love. Kevin devotes time to helping others with computer needs and technical support making learning and communicating with others easier and more effective. Sure these things may seem more social than tangible, but these are the gifts we have to give. And I don't think God thinks anything less about it. The issue isn't about giving an exact financial amount, but to give and do in honor of God to glorify Him and grow His Kingdom.

This video makes a very clear description in my opinion. I agrees with much of it and found this message encouraging. I've heard from many that they believe in Christ but because they can't give financially they can't bring themselves to find a church because they always seem to be preaching about giving money. I know for a while Kevin and I knew that struggle personally. I hope for anyone in that situation that you can find a church home that will meet your needs instead of trying to convince you that you need to somehow squeeze water from a rock. Yes, God makes things happen, God gives amazing blessings when we put our faith in Him, but a dangerous misunderstanding I think sometimes becomes an issue. Jesus came to save us from our inability to fulfill our obligations to keeping the law. This doesn't mean all goes out the window, but it does redefine a sense of grace into the equation. We are not going to be cursed for being light with financial giving, but we aren't to give up the action of giving either. The balance of a Bible based church should be just as focused on helping guide people to give as much as it should care for their sick, needy and widows. Please watch the video and let me know what you think.

Check out this video: To Tithe Or Not To Tithe?



Add to My Profile | More Videos

I'd also say 'the church" today in general needs to look at new ways of meeting this. Not all churches fail, you have the places that have at risk youth outreach ministries, food banks, mission trips to build homes and so on. These are the physical ways these things needs of giving can be met in other ways. A church that is wealthy in money but small in action does not seem to be a living ministry.

I'm not writing these things judging any one place. I love the church home I have and see it as a place honoring God. But because of the journey Kevin and I had been on to finally find our church home much of this was brought to our attention. I also feel the need to write along these lines because I know in various ways I DO need help. I need someone to help around the yard and the house, I need understanding people who'll know that if I don't make it to church it's not an issue of being lazy, but being sick in bed. For the most part I have these things, but to me personally it's been a growing experience of learning that some things don't need to be done (like making the bed in the morning), some things can wait (like getting the dishes cleaned), and some things just don't need my time (like keeping up with every and any latest and most popular T.V. shows.) I've learned that not everything that has to be done in this home has to be done by me, that spending time listening to others has more blessings than over-extending myself trying to keep a showroom clean home. Sure, I wish I could feel comfortable having others over, I wish things at home were more relaxing, but I'm also learning that as someone with daily limitations there is only so much I can do, and much of those things I burden myself with really aren't what matters in the bigger picture of things. If I were to die today I would hope the thing that people talked about weren't the dirty floors or the piles of crafts and papers, or laundry, but of a heart focused on God's will and an encouragement to them. I want to be an example of Christ not of Martha. I want people to see that even though I live with daily limitations and ailments that I still praise God for His saving grace and that others can see beyond this world because of my hope I share for my own life beyond this world.

Blessings In Christ,
Crystal

What Bible character are you?

My results are:

70 % you are: You are David! You have deep thoughts that a lot of people just wouldn't understand. You are creative, passionate and detailed. But sometimes all you want to do is be alone...
25.23 % of 6957 Quiz participants had this profile!

If you want to play you can take the test here

Or this one...

What Bible character are You Your Result: Solomon   The most wise person ever to live. You had great answers and are right at many things. Great job and I mostly agree with you. Please visit needgod.com
Esther
Paul
Moses
Ahab
Jezebel
What Bible character are You Create a Quiz

Or this one...

You scored 20, on a scale of 0 to 100. Here's how to interpret your score:

0 - 20
Like Naomi's daughter-in-law Ruth or Mary, mother of Jesus, you are reflective, gentle, and devoted to your family.
21 - 50
Active and home-oriented, your personality recalls Sarah, Esther or Martha.
51 - 70
Strong and decisive, you're a lot like the warrior Judith or the purposeful Mary Magdalene.
71 - 100
You're asking for a smiting, girl! Like Delilah, you get what you want--no matter who you have to deceive.

Huh, I didn't get the same things twice... go figure... silly internet surveys.

36 days until mother's day!

I think I finally figured out what my purpose for now is! I mean, for in the mean time, before I'm blessed to have kids. It's the blessing part. See, all of you who are BLESSED to be parents are just that... BLESSED! Children are a wonderful gift from God. At the risk of sounding like someone who just doesn't understand the day in and day out stress of having children let me say that something that has been heavy in my heart is seeing how many families are tired. Where the mom gets a spa day and feels it's her earned right as mom because she just has to get away. I can't know that right now, just like others can't know the loneliness of being childless. I think my purpose now is to try and help people see that they have a beautiful wonderful blessing of a gift. That no child is ever an accident, even if they are unplanned. Life is precious, and the ability to raise and form a growing mind is amazing! I hope all my friends and family who are blessed to have children can see this. Yes, the day in and day out can get tiring, but be glad you have a little one to give you kisses, or a bigger one your teaching to drive or whatever milestone they happen to be at. Treasure these moments. I'm saying you need to do this not because I think any of you are taking your children for granted, but because you have such an amazing gift. I would give anything to help my daughter whose loosing her first tooth, or a son whose being potty trained, or a daughter who makes me so proud doing well in the top of her class. You all have such amazing lives. Take time to take that into account.



I've heard recently from some people that I need to take time to weigh my blessings because they're sure that if I did I'd see the blessings outweigh the hurt I have. The truth of the matter is I do do that. But not having children, and wanting them, it's like someone dying every time your monthly visitor comes. Imagine it being the hope that maybe this month there would be a new amazing person to add to your family tree, and then the realization that it can't happen. Sure, it may be another month, but the more time goes by, the more it feels like a death. I honestly mean this, I'm not trying to be dramatic. There are some months where those cycles are just as much of a painful reminder as when November rolls around and I remember my grandfather is gone, and as much as I'd love to have him celebrate his birthday with Kevin like they would for their birthdays when he was alive, they can't do that, because he's gone. It hurts like that. It hurts like a lost loved one.

So just like someone who has lost a lover to an illness, or a parent earlier then they expected would tell you to treasure those around you, tell them you love them and don't take them for granted, I say the same. Don't take your children for granted. Take the time to give them a squeeze and tell them you love them, take the time to listen to their stories when they want to talk, take the time to watch them play. These things are all your gifts right now. Your blessings of being a parent! Cherish them!



Because this epiphany is so heavy in me right now, I hope to be more involved on-line with reading your stories and smiling at the photos you share. Reading about the milestones your are enjoying. Yes, it does hurt because I wish I could experience these things first hand, but I want to be an encouragement to you that you will enjoy these moments. Sure, get away every now and then. Have some alone time with the DLH, or pamper yourself at the spa with a girlfriend, but when you get back, I hope you can look at your child and think about how wonderful it is to have them in your life, that while some days may be hard, you wouldn't have life without them.

I hope I've been an encouragement to you in this post. And I know mother's day is still a month away, but to those of you out there, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I may not be a mother, but I am a proud God-Mother. I love and cherish any moment I have with my God-son!

I also am a proud crazy cat lady... My fur-babies mean the world to me.

So, what do you think...

I was trying to get into the whole groove of being swept up into spring, so I went for this new background on my blog. What do you think? Too sugary? Too kindergarten in the 80's? I don't know, I think it's cute, but is cute really my blog day in and day out? Well, I guess I'll have it like this for a bit.

Kind of seems odd considering there is about 5 inches of snow melting outside right now.

I couldn't sleep last night. No surprise there, most of you who read my blog know I suffer insomnia, but I think last night was the start of something new for me spiritually. I'm really trying to find God's will for who I'm supposed to be. I feel like I have no purpose being at home in pain all the time. I always imagined I'd have children when I'd be home, not just some crazy cat lady trying to convince my hubby that what we really need is a third cat.

Anyway, I'm guarding what I'm saying now, because I'm just starting to see some different things, but I wanted to let you know formally that for the time being, we are pausing any attempts to plan to adopt right now, indefinitely. This isn't giving up on that possibility, but recognizing that it's going to be a very long time, or a very big financial miracle before anything can change in that department. As far as trying to conceive, that too is on hold for a bit. A lot of my additional pain, and lack of mobility has to do with the fact that about a month ago we decided to ask my doctors to change my meds such that we can get ourselves on the path to TTC. This is torture. My arthritis symptoms are barely under control, which makes my depression worse, so while I was going off my depression meds, I'm learning I should stay back on them for a bit. I was taking Methotrexate, a disease modifying drug for my arthritis, but I have to have it out of my system for 6 months to a year before we can even consider TTC. Add to that my PCOS and the typical 9 months if things go right and this becomes a very long process. Now I'm just praying that there will be a day where I wake up, not in pain, and because of that realize we're (then) pregnant. See, one of the amazing additional miracles for a young woman with arthritis is that her protective hormones make her body ignore her disease, and she basically walks around feeling better than ever while pregnant. That would be amazing! I hope this trade off of more pain now is worth it. We still don't even know if I can get pregnant. You'd think in 8 years it would have happened if it could, right?

Anyway, I'm not writing this to hear any kind of pat answers, I just want to let people know what I'm struggling with.

I'm giving up. It's not a loosing hope kind of give up, but a letting God do whatever it is HE has planned for us kind of giving up. Letting go, and letting God. He doesn't want me to hurt, but he also gave me these dreams for a reason. So I'll live in (physical) pain at home and pray for my future children, but I'll also honestly say that I need my friends at my side for this. I need to know that you'd never think we don't want kids just because we don't have kids, or that we're happy with life this way. I do not feel 'lucky' or 'blessed' in anyway being a childless mother. (Well, I have one child. My god-son, but he lives in CO with his mom, my cousin, and it hurts to not be nearer to them.)

I think my purpose in all this goes back to what I studied in college. In a nutshell, pain, emotional pain, is a GOOD thing! (When you can start to really get to the core of it) It's God's barometric pressure gauge on life letting us know when things are wrong. It causes us to take account of what's really happening, and to focus our trust in Him. I think that has been and will continue to be why I suffer. But also because I can't understand His timing, but I know he didn't give me this heart and dream for no reason.

The life of a Christian isn't a constant cheerleading session. Sure we are to rejoice with a heart of gladness, but we will also have trial and tribulations. Testings of faith, and valleys of darkness. This has been a very long and dark valley for me, and I still don't see the climb up yet. I'm throwing away my bad map and compass, I've asked God for a new one, only He knows my way out of this. Proverbs 4:11 (ESV) "I will guide you in the way of wisdom & lead you along straight paths."

Recently an on-line friend who has many of my same dark journeys posted her current prayer needs and all I could respond with was "I'm having a crisis of faith right now myself, so I'm not sure how much encouragement I can honestly give, but I know God is on your side, and He will reward you for being faithful."

This kills me inside, that I couldn't offer this dear on-line friend more help. We are to hurt when our brothers and sisters in Christ hurt, we are to rejoice with them when they rejoice, what is wrong with me that I can't just be used like that? But I know too much of it is I'm hurting for the same reasons in a lot of ways. So maybe I am fulfilling that, but instead of empathy, it's a symbiotic and sometimes identical journey for myself.

Woman to Woman - Infertility - Life as a childless mother.

The topic this week for Woman to Woman is infertility and recurrent loss. It's something that has been a huge heartache to me. Something I rarely talk about, but also something that greatly effects me.

For men something that can destroy their self image is loosing a loved job and feeling like they can't provide. For women, I think the equivalent is infertility. I don't often talk about my infertility because I don't want insensitive comments or pat answers that don't really help the pain I have to deal with.

DLH and I have been married 7 and a half wonderful years, and a few months before we got married I found out I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. I had spent all my teenage years hiding myself because no matter how much I worked out and ate good things I would gain weight all the time, and then there was the acne, sweating, and irregular cycles that would make me sick for days when I'd finally have a cycle. Having a diagnoses was a good thing, and something that helped me feel a bit better about myself. I grew up constantly wondering what I was doing wrong, but then learned I wasn't doing anything wrong, my body was.

Since we weren't planning on having kids for a few years (I was still in college, and we lived in a tiny condo) it wasn't that tragic then, but I still had to process a sense of loss, I felt like less of a woman. I always wanted to be two things all my life, a wife and a mother. I've always believed that if I couldn't have kids that we'd adopt, and we're still hoping that might be in our future if God reveals that plan to us. However, every time a friend or family member is able to announce a new birth or have a baby shower and so on, I hurt. I can't help it. It's a reminder that I can't yet be who I always dreamed I would be. The life of a childless mother is full of little painful reminders.

Recently I read a blog post about a mom who was ranting about how hard things where with her house full of boys, and I was bitter, I couldn't think of anything to console her with, all I could think was how I'd just be so grateful to be able to have even just one child to raise. I'm sure there are those who would say I'm missing the picture here, that her issue is being overwhelmed. But my issues is I am as well, but for me, it's what rattles in my head. It's easy in this fallen broken world to get frustrated with the path we have to walk down, and so strange for others to see how these things bother us. That being said, I don't expect women who have kids to understand my pain. I know there are other things in life they can empathize with, but not that. As a result this leads to lots of isolation, loneliness and doubt.

I often wonder what God's plan is for my husband and I. I am married to a wonderful man who I KNOW will be a good dad, and yet I can't readily give him that gift. Does God expect for me to risk the odds of miscarriage and to try infertility treatment. Invasive, and painful, and expensive? Or does He want for us to adopt and bring in children who need a home into our home? And with both, how will we meet the additional financial need to make either of those options happen. When we're stretching our grocery bill as much as we are these days it becomes a rather depressing thing to think about. We don't know if we will ever be able to afford becoming parents.

I'm not sharing all this wanting pity. I just want to share a part of me I rarely talk about. This is deep and painful, so it takes a lot for me to be willing to share anything. My DLH and I have missed church on every mothers day that we've been married, and we left a church because it was so family focused we were asked every Sunday when we were going to have kids. I spent most Sunday's coming home in tears. It was hard to Sunday after Sunday explain to yet another person that we can't have kids, but that we'd give anything to have a family. After we left that church we never heard from any of those people again. It was strange and painful.

I love being an aunt and a God-mother, but it's just not the same thing. I don't get to tuck them in every night, or do their laundry, I don't get to make all their meals and know each time they cry or laugh. I try as best I can to know what my nieces and nephews are into, but when I only see them maybe once a year, it's hard for them to even really know me. I love them all dearly, but it just isn't the same.

PCOS has a cruel trick to those women who deal with it. If untreated annovulation can really play horrible mind games on her, constantly wondering if the reason why she hasn't had a cycle is because she might miraculously be pregnant. I spent the three years we didn't have health insurance constantly praying over pregnancy tests that I always knew what the answer was, and yet still my body wasn't doing, it seemed anything it was supposed to.

I could try infertility treatment, but I also know that my odds of having a miscarriage is much higher then other women, and it'll be hard just to get to that point. I don't know that I could handle the pain and heartache that would most likely occur if I were to finally conceive and then loose it. It is so much expense to try and with having the odds against me so much I'm just not sure what to do.

Recently I had my Gyno annual. I complained about lower groin pain that I've had for several years now, both my doctor and I feared it was cysts or some other female issue. With PCOS there is a very serious increased chance of ovarian cancer. It's something I pray for protection from often. I was poked and prodded, had a couple ultrasounds and.... NOTHING! That's a good thing! But it still made me wonder what was going on. A few days ago I found out that it's one of my other chronic ailments, Rheumatoid Arthritis. So that's not so bad (well, it's bad in it's own sense, but it's not life threatening.) And the exams having good news seems like a good thing, but then it also makes me wonder if I shouldn't be trying more to grow our family. Knowing my ovaries actually look normal with this disease I have is an amazing thing, but I also know that in the past as soon as I've gone off birth control pills that has changed, another cruel trick of PCOS.

What do I mean by sharing all this? Just that I seek prayer. I want to know God's will for Kevin and I. I want to know what His plan is for us. Why has He given me such a motherly heart to always be a childless mother? I have so many questions. I tend to not think about it unless I have to because it can make me easily depressed. I'm already taking anti-depressants. But I also don't want to ignore the elephant in the living-room either. It's also something that can easily become a fresh wound. Something that somedays won't effect me, and other days totally crush me. I know many of you won't be able to understand how I feel. That's OK, this is my pain. I know you probably have something else in your life testing you.

Even through all my frustrations and grief I still know God has a plan. I know He wants what is best for my husband and I, and I know that with living through this I can better be able to relate to others who need healing and help them see the hope God gives. I don't have all the answers now, but I trust God's plan. It will be made clear in His time. In the meantime, I wait and pray, and hope and love my future babies, even if it's nothing more then a dream.

The Golden Compass

(updated, another link at end of post)
A couple weeks ago my sister in law shared a link about an upcoming movie, and also recently I heard more information about it.

The Golden Compass is a series of books that are set in a fantasy fiction setting, but hidden within are anti-religion thoughts and encouragement towards atheism. The author is atheist.

The book has now become an upcoming movie, and the trailer seems pretty benign so many who love fantasy are expected to become enticed, but the danger lies in that from movies books become more popular and these books will encourage children and all it's readers really to question faith. From the popularity of movies this could become a dangerous wildfire so it's important for people to get the word out to guard their children.

For more information check the following links...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,305487,00.html

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,305858,00.html

http://www.onenewsnow.com/2007/10/perspectives_does_the_golden_c.php

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/compass.asp

Blog post by Dana at Musically Pink regarding this topic.

depression meds and church membership.

I think Daria has dysthymia, I think that is why she was mis-labeled as "The Misery Chick". And yes, I'm over-analyzing a cartoon character, and no there is no real point to this, other then I once again have meds for my dysthymia, hopefully you'll see a more sane version of me in the coming months, sorry if you liked the loopy me.


Today Kevin and I became members so we really feel like we belong now. It was pretty cool. It was neat standing up front in church and seeing the congregation raise hands that they would accept us in the church and walk along side us in faith! It's such a warm feeling, I know this support will help a lot with my depression. I tend to feel alone a lot and this is such a warm community. It makes me happy.

I had another almost migraine today, I don't know if it' the lack of sleep that has been building because of heat and insomnia or if it was the new meds. I'm hoping it's the first, these meds have helped me before so I hope they help me again. I have hope.

MIA, and thoughts on infertility, sick cat and other things...

Sorry I haven't posted anything in 3 weeks! I do have stuff to post too; like the pictures from our Portland trip, and the fiasco with a very sick kitty when we got back. I just haven't blogged and I think a lot of it is just being tired (and sick). I got super sick myself after Portland and Kevin had a business trip so for most of the week when we were back I was alone. That was awful. I was so sick I texted my mom her birthday greetings because I couldn't talk, and later I had a horrible sinus infection! I just hate blogging when I feel like I don't have anything good or interesting to say, when it's all complaining and sickness and stuff, I just close up.

I also close up when I hear about other couples expecting. I REALLY want to be happy for them. I AM happy for them, but I always close up because my infertility is a wound easily reopened. I can be fine for days, weeks, months even, but then something that should be one of the biggest joys for a loved one is a painful reminder that I will most likely never get to have that experience and joy, and if I were to try it would be at great risk, huge expense and well, I'm just wanting to adopt so I don't talk about infertility treatment.

The last few weeks I've been very depressed. I want so desperately to be a mom. It's a dream I've wanted all my life. To be a wife and mom, I'm only halfway there, and the first part has been so easy and the last part is so hard! I feel so horribly left behind. I'm hard pressed to come up with many friends who are married that don't have more then one kid already! I just hope that when we do have kids that we will know someone who will have kids our kids ages, at this rate I think we'll be so behind that everyone will have much older kids then us. These are things that bug me to no end! And lead me to midnight blogging!

In the matter of 2 and a half weeks I heard 4 pregnancy announcements! I screamed every time. I have a hard time wanting to spend time on-line because I'm afraid that everyone else's joy will just make me sad. I went to a "support" website only to be told I should pray about my own jealousy and just be happy for them. But what that ignores is I am happy for them, it's my own situation that causes me such sorrow, and while I'm able to cope most of the time, their joy reminds me of my own sorrow, brings it up again and then I grieve again. It doesn't just disappear. My hopes and dreams are not something to just ignore. And I know they are Kevin's too.

I've missed parties, or church (and we even left a church in San Jose), or waited too long to go shopping and missed out on other things simply because I don't want to be constantly reminded of the gifts other families have that I have to continue to wait for. Seeing pregnant women in the grocery store saddens me. I wonder sometimes if they can read "Infertile" on my face when I look away in sadness, or if they even notice.

I'm grieving again. A really good friend of mine is loosing her baby and all I can think of is that she's living the hellish nightmare that keeps me from trying infertility treatment. See I know what my odds are, I know that there is more of a chance of loosing a baby then ever having a baby, and I know that my chances of conceiving in the first place are so slim considering my body. It is one of those things that makes some women explore absolutely every avenue and option out their, but the pain and risk along the way seems to great a sorrow considering everything else I've had to live through, why add more pain. But that leaves me with the struggle of a heart of a childless mother. I have a niece and a nephew, and my cousin made me her son's God mother, and for these joys I'm grateful. They still don't fill that whole in my heart though. Someday an adoption will happen and these things will change a lot. Holding hope in that day, somedays is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy. And I know I'll be a good mom someday, I just needed to let you all know what's been rattling around my head for so long. Why you haven't heard from me. I've been trying to come up with what to write, but stop because I don't want to complain.

On to Tony... When we got back from our trip (we were only gone 3 days) we had found that he had developed a bad case of the runs. It sucks enough when a person is dealing with that, but cats are a whole 'nother thing. He left surprises in every room, as well as streaks and stains. He lost 4 pounds which considering his size is a good thing, but still drastic. And he slept like crazy. For about a week straight he wasn't himself. Then we noticed his fur was missing on his backside, but he was better otherwise. It seemed like everything was behind him and he was going to be a healthy kitty again! Then the next day we noticed the fur-less patch was raw and a bit bloody. We were getting concerned. It was seeming like he wasn't getting better and so we somehow had to take him to the vet with no money! The day after that he had a huge open wound. We both felt faint looking at it and had no doubt, we were taking him to an animal ER. We ended up paying for the visit with the money my mom and sister gave us to buy a convertible crib/bed for when we do have a kid. So now purchasing that has to wait. Which bums me out because I've been back and forth with nesting. I have this crazy idea of having a room all ready for when we start our home-study. Anyway, back to Tony. So the doctor said he was doing very well and that it looks the way he wants it too! And we're thinking "WHAT? this is a lot worst then when he had the runs." Apparently he got a gland clogged with all his unpleasantness, so even though I was bathing him, wanting to vomit as I choked on my own illness at the same time, he still ended up not getting clean enough to stay healthy. And we kind of wonder if Tony didn't do it to himself since it seemed to us like he was over cleaning on top of us cleaning him as well. To make a long story short his horrible wound is an abscess that got infected and ruptured. And wow was the wound gross. I'm thinking, I've had pimples and boils and none of them have ever made a wound like that. Poor kitty. It was reassuring being in the ER vets office because they explained that it's not that uncommon this time of year with all the warmth and considering his previous illness. They comforted us telling us we were good cat parents and sent us home with a round of antibiotics to give him. All in all he's been such a good cat. He normally is. I'm so proud of my cat. Both the people in the ER loved him.

So here it is July 3 and I'm finally writing again. Sorry it's not much fun. But an interesting factoid is the last time I wrote was my mothers birthday and today is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday Daddy! Oh, and my brother in law too! Happy birthday to you too!

I'm just waiting for some good news. Which seems silly considering so many dear loved ones are expecting. I am happy for them for that, I'd just like for things to work out a bit better for my house too is all. Eventually they will. I hope.

I'll try and post some pictures soon from our Portland trip. We went to Portland and met up with Kevin's parents there. We sat in the rain most of the day Saturday (three weeks ago) watching the parade. I'm not much of a parade person, but it was a lot of fun. And even though I got sick (I know I was coming down with it before the trip) I'm so thankful it was rain and not blaring sun while we sat outside. I guess that proves I'm a north-westerner or something.

In positive news, Kevin and I recently finished our introductory classes on the OPC and are placing our membership at the church we've been attending (as best we can given MANY trips and illnesses this year) for almost a year now. On sunday an announcement will be in the bulletin that the church plans to receive us as new members and then the next week if there is no opposition then we'll be accepted, given our reaffirmation of faith. We are very excited as this has really become a wonderful place for us to worship God, to grow our faith and to fellowship with great new friends. The support structure we are discovering there is awesome and we feel blessed to be lead there. We both hope that everyone we love can have the same kind of joy in their own church home.

Blessings.

Recently (this last Easter) a classmate of mine from SJCC was able to share a story of strength and blessing of hers on the Hour of Power program. If you are interested in hearing her story visit the video page and select your video choice. Her name is Gina Inhelder and she's the first guest under the Easter service. You can also try this link

It was a real blessing to see how she's rebounded and gives all the glory to God who protects her! The last time I saw her she was frail and it was the only other time I've seen her since we were in school together. The difference was a shock to me. I see again her spark and enthusiasm for life. She may be limited to her chair or braces, but she is a wonderful person and a blessing to know! Seeing her video was powerful to me!

Several years back Kevin and I were in the same kind of car wreck she was in but for us it was at low speeds and the car that hit us was smaller. The vehicle was still totaled, but what a trip it was to think that we both experianced the same kind of thing, I walked away with stiff wrists for a while and she suffered such horrific injuries in her situation. I see both outcomes as a blessing, I'm sure Gina does too. Vehicles can be replaced but lives are a precious thing. I hope you have a chance to take a couple minutes and hear what she has to share, it truely blessed me today!

I love spring/ Grateful to be a housewife.

I felt blessed and reassured that I am where I need to be and who I need to be after reading this. It furthered my convictions that I am first and foremost a wife and childless mother seeking to adopt.

I think it kind of follows with who I am in the midst of this other topic I posted a few days ago.

I missed church again today. My foot was bad again. Thankfully not as bad as a couple weeks ago, but enough that getting around bugged me. Plus the whole insomnia issue has been bad recently. I don't think my allergies are liking the start of spring and it's got me dragging. I was productive in short burst thoughout the day and got several boxes opened and put away. It's finally starting to look like I have a dining-room (it's been the catch-all for the boxes that just haven't been as urgent. Should have been the shed, but that's okay...)

The warmer weather has been nice. I was able to open the windows for a bit and get fresh air in. That felt real good. And I've been making progress on the craft/office room organization so I'm starting to have hope that there will be a comfortable place for grandma to rest when she's here, which is in 9 days now! I can hardly wait, I love my grandma so much!

Not much else is happening. I'm just grateful for where I am and who I love. (That sound's so sugary, but right now it's really true.)

Amazing Grace (part 2)

I feel I dropped the ball a bit when I blogged my movie review of this movie. I want people to see it. It's a powerful story. I don't want people to think "How relivent can this be if it's about an old hymn?" But the hymn is only a fragment of this story... It's the journey of some courageous and loving people that lead to a life changing history for many who were treated terribly.

I think there are some much better posts out there than that last on I made. I hope you can check them out.

Amazing Grace: The Story of William Wilberforce

The movie,Amazing Grace, based on the inspiring true life story of British antislavery pioneer William Wilberforce

My apologies for not being more open on how this movie impacted me. It truely is a movie that all who cherish human life should see.

Things I'm thankful for/QuiverFull part two.

I had a quiverfull mom read my post and respond. I really appreciate her heart and what she wrote. I don't hold anything again those who are so blessed to have so many children. I don't envy them, I simply would see my life as blessed too if I only could have children of my own. It makes me have many questions... I know I'm not cursed to be childless, but I do know my pain is real and I stuggle with it making me bitter. I wish so much to raise kids. But for me, getting there will be a much slower process.

Right now I know of MANY couples who are expecting. I very much want to be happy for them, and I am, but it's very hard to share it outwardly. There ferility rubs in my face my own infertility. It's not that I wish infertility on anyone, it's just the wound is so easily rebroken. Just about the time I find joy and hope in the life I have, sorrow comes in and tears pour down. My heart aches because it isn't just that easy for me. On Thanksgiving weekend I heard of another couple expecting and my own reactions couldn't be controled. I got choked up, ran to the bathroom and siting on the bathroom floor I held my head in my hands perplexed as to how everyone I know can so easily make the dream of a family happen and for me it's just a distant dream. Even now as I write all this I'm choked up again. If it wasn't for writing the tears would probably be falling again.

It's interesting to be reflecting on all this now. After we've made our initial move to start adoption. I do have hope and faith. I see God providing and I know this journey is begining and I look at it with eager and accepting arms! The pain is still there, and it's deep. It hurts easily, but I know that my dreams will happen. It's just a matter of time and a different route the others.

I just took a little break while writing this, and found it was profoundly important to me and relevent to this post. I heard about this show called "Bringing Home Baby" and while I typically avoid shows like this I watched this episode that just aired because it was of a mother who has Rheumatoid Arthritis. That is one of my many health issues. I could really relate with her, the need for naps during the day and dealing with weakness that comes and goes and pain that comes and goes are all things I deal with. I admire her for being able to ask her mother or mother-in law to help with things, as well as her husband. It's hard enough to do the day to day things as it is (living with R.A.), let alone to take care of all of babies needs too.

This last summer, right as we were moving into our new house, I had a really bad episode. It was after we had spent time in CA visiting family, and after the stress of buying a new home and having to pack our belongings in a hot and tiny apartment. My body was stressed and overwhelmed. I cought a terrible cold while in CA and while I was taking one day at a time, it was all just too much for my body and my body reacted. After we moved in I was flat on my back. I slept more then I was awake, all my muscles twitched or cramped and my wrists were virtually useless. I had no grip in my hands and any ammount of exertion made my body burn and tighten up. It's what brought my doctors attention to the many aches and pains I have, and that it was more then just my size or activity/inactivity that was causing my pain. My bloodwork showed more issues and put a (partial) diagnosis to what I'm dealing with (I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and my Rheumatologist is still trying to figure out if it is simply R.A. or R.A. from another auto-immune disorder.) I'm now on medications and vitamines. I'm able to move so much better. I now have to avoid getting sick at all costs, but I've found that when I am sick I'm able to get better faster. Amazingly with addressing my R.A. my asthma, and allergies have improved too.

I don't see myself as an unhealthy person, just someone who has health issues. And as I remind myself that it takes me so much to keep myself healthy and get things done around the house, that I have so many naps, and doctors appointments, and expenses like canes, and braces, and face masks, and so on I actually am very graetful that I have this time to care for myself and learn how to keep myself from having times again of being flat on my back.

It's just another journey I'm on... the journey of keeping my body healthy, with all the health things I deal with. I know I need more time to take care of myself and to do the things I need to. It's not an issue of selfishness, it's an issues of learning what my body needs. For this I am greatful that my life is just me and my husband. I couldn't imagin going through what I did in the summer and dealing with children at the same time. I now worry about how when we do have children how this will effect them. They'll have to learn to help mommy with things and such, but I don't see myself as handicapped or inable to care for children, just that I'll need to have ways of dealing with things.

I'm grateful for where I am. I'm thankful for my doctors who understand my body and are taking care of me and making my days better. I'm grateful for our house that is still new to us half a year later. And while I have boxes still to unpack because it takes me so much longer to get things I marvel and enjoy seeing each day this place be more and more ours. I've been focusing a lot on things that are good in my life lately, its something that has been hard for me a lot, but right now it has been coming easy!

Watch this!

OK, so I know I've been posting a lot of videos lately. But I think this one is worth looking at.
It goes well with a post I keep meaning to write. I have parts of it in my head, but it still needs some work to peice together. It's been a post I've been trying to write since the start of the year. It's not that I have writters block, I'm just trying to be careful to be acurate in it before I publish.

Anyway, so here is the video and it really is a good start for the post I hope to make. I guess I'll link back to it when I do get it written.

Hell's Best Kept Secret

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Wendy Kaufman and Neil Cavuto are my heros!

::Update at bottom of post::



A few posts back I talked about how I was inspired by a segment on Your World with Neil Cavuto and that I hoped to find the video for it so I could share it. Today I was looking for it again and I found it, as well as some other good segments between the two of them. I'll post them here.

I'm listening to the one with the pastor again as I'm typing this and it just disturbs me so much. The Bible doesn't call me a sinner for being over 200 pounds, and it's not even my behavior that caused this. I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrom and THAT is what stores weight around my middle. It is so important to me that Wendy talked about how she walks many flights of stairs and can kick box. I've said things like that and yet I can still see the gears in judgmental heads thinking sure, but you'll eat an entire chocolate cake, and no, I won't, that's gross. It's a sad thing when somewhere like a church, that is called to include people and lead others to Christ would rather put first a desire to be thin over proclaiming the scriptures. It's judgemental, no one can say that I'm fat only because of being lazy and what I put in my mouth unless they truely spend time with me and see that I eat less then anyone I know.

With a little bit more poking around I found some videos and blogs from Wendy.

I also have to say I'm terribly dissapointed that the movie "Norbit" scored 3rd on the box office charts this last weekend. I'm loosing hope in humanity!

I really don't mean to rant about all this again. I've already done that before.

On to the videos...

Neil and Wendy respond to Pastor's sermon serries.


Another segment between Wendy and Neil, regarding those Fat suit shows.


Wendy and Neil discus the rediculous idea of plus size warning lables!


And finally (with the Wendy videos anyway) a segment between Wendy and Neil regarding fashion trends - skinny jeans.


Also, in respons to Wendy's segment on fat suits, a video reply by another viewer.


And finally, one of the Beauty Campaign ads from Dove.
Real Beauty

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I was able to find another great clip of Wendy and Neil. And I've found that she has her own profile on You Tube so any future apperances she'll post there too.

To truely understand love.

In other countries where Catholicism and the saints hold more importance the calendars are filled with different days for differnt saints and remembrances of their history. I think the start of celebrating Valentine's day as a day of love had a noble beginning, but the pressure and expense it puts on adults today is absurd. It never was meant to be so commercialized, but neither was Easter or Christmas and they have both fallen prey too.

I admit I don't really know the story of St. Valentine, but I do know that apostrophe s in Valentine's Day means it's a day for a person, not that it's a description of a reason to blow all savings at the Hallmark store. I think it's important to remember that it all goes back to the impact of someone with faith.


The Scriptures show of our need for love and our need to love others, here are a few examples.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13 (English Standard Version)
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

John 13:33-35 (New International Version)
"My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Ephesians 4:2-3 (New International Version)
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.


I would love for anyone to add comments here posting about the history of this holiday.

And in the mean time I'll be checking things out here.

Health stuff

Written 1/30/07 - 1:43 PM, updated (at end of document)

So today I'm not having any luck finding the links I'm looking for. Maybe they think the news bits they keep piping up with on the news isn't newsworth enought to go on their website.

Earlier today on Fox News Live I heard a story of a women who had a 90 pound ovarian cyst removed. Considering I fear something like that being in my future because of my Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, so I took it to the web to read more and I can't find sqaut. I did notice that most everything on the page was yesterday's stories, so maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow.

The next thing I wanted to find was the video of "Wendy, the Snapple Lady" on Your World with Neil Cavuto. I'm guessing I have to wait on that one too, but it's perfect for another blog post I'm hoping to make soon, regarding prejudice and hate of oversized "fat" people. It's gotten to the boiling point with me. There is nothing I can do short of drastic and rather unnecessary surgery, as I write this I'm distracted by yet another diet ad on TV, I swear those are on every 15 minutes, and sometimes multiple ads per comercial break! Anyway, yes; I'm fed up. I know my real health, as does my doctors. I know what I put in my mouth and I can pretty much bet that you reading this have had much more to eat then me today. The biggest thing is it's not what I put in my mouth. It's my genes and it's my disease. It does however mean that strangers still give me nasty looks if they see me eating a whole wheat bean burrito in my truck. The thought that fat people just shouldn't eat because that is their problem is a very dangerous steriotype that really needs to stop. More to come when I get all these thoughts and links organized and make a real post about it.

And while I was trying to find all the links I'm trying to I also found another link of interest regarding insomnia. After having napped most of the day away and that after a normal 8 hours asleep I was already thinking that I need to get my insomnia in check because it always catches up with me and I end up having days like today and then any chance of a normal sleep wake cycle is all screwed up for quite some time. I've never taken sleep aids beyond something like Tylenol PM so I may take all this info to my doctor. I once had a doctor prescribe coffee to me for the mornings because when I first wake up is always bad, but now that I know the bad morning thing is apart of my arthritis (which is apart of whatever auto-immune disorder I have) and so I'm not sure that will really address it. I usually don't drink coffee because I hate the gittery feeling I get if I drink it when I don't really need it. So here is the link for the news on insomnia.

UPDATES! - 2/1/07

I still haven't found the video for the Snapple Lady, but I was able to record it, so I might work on posting it myself this weekend. I think her statements where very inpowering!

I have now found the blurb on the lady with the ovarian cyst though, and that article is here
And Mancow talked about that pastor on his show this morning.

Not like this…

Mood: melancholy

::Update - See bottom of post for update.::
I've mentioned from time to time in those stupid e-mail surveys and such that I don't give up on people or that people give up on me. I spend way too many hours with my brain wrapped on such things. As long as I can remember I've always had pen pals, and growing up it seemed like my family moved way too often. Maybe that made me clingy and desperate for true friendship, but I think it's a bit different than that.

Amazing as all my transitions have impacted my life I've only really ever been in two love relationships, the first being in junior high (which makes many say that's not my "first" relationship, too young to know things, etc.) but after David Kaiser I've always been with Kevin. I have no regrets about Kevin. He is my one true love and I'm blessed to have him as my husband, my love, and my other half. But there are parts of me that think back to David. I knew then, as did he that while we were exceptional friends that we weren't going to get married or anything like that. He was however the only person who cared to see me through a super dark time in my life. He loved me unconditionally to make sure I'd not get to depressed about something everyone else wanted me to just forget and ignore. There is no way I can just sweep things under the rug, especially when what happened then was such a crime. He and his family was in court the day I was in court and he consoled me the whole day I waited to testify. David's flaw though? He was a wonderful jokester. Always saying something funny, making people smile and laugh. When it was his turn to testify he came out with a big grin on his face, the room laughing behind him and he bragged about how he had everyone in stitches. I started seeing red. This wasn't the place or time for jokes. I punched him in the arm, told him I was mad that he couldn't be serious for that. And after the verdict came back not guilty I blamed him. I was a kid then, so was he. Now that I'm an adult I know now that it could be any number of reasons it didn't go the right way. I've also not trusted jury's since then either as I've blamed them too for being ignorant and not believing a child!

I've only heard from David once since then. He wrote me asking me to be in his life again. I honestly did tell him the truth that I wanted to still be friends, but with not having spoken for so long I had moved on, I had passionately fallen in love with Kevin. David had written me a letter, something he never did; I didn't know what to think. Getting a letter from someone I hadn't spoken to for years. It was heartbreaking. I rejoiced that he had found me again and wondered how I was. I still wonder how he is. We never kissed, we held hands at most and yet he still took a piece of space in my heart. After I had been married to Kevin a few years my mom confessed that she tried to keep David and I apart. I felt manipulated. It's not like I was going to marry the guy, I just needed him in my life, and he's a friend that knows things about me that no one else knows. That one letter was the only thing I ever heard from him since. And I can't help but wonder if it was something my mom did, or my own honesty. Not ever hearing another word from him since has been a big weird thing to me. When I had the dream I did a while ago where I was laying in a bed with him on one side and Kevin on the other has given me comfort in knowing that he is my past and Kevin is my present and future, but giving up the past without answers is still odd.

Going back to pen pals. As long as I can remember I've always had at least one pen pal. At one point I got a pen pal from Europe. Her English wasn't the best and it was hard for me to read her letters. I dreaded having to reply to them, but my mother made me keep up with it. I wanted to stop because it was extra work and school was more then plenty hard already. When High school ended, so did the letters it seemed. I assumed that it was because she was done with school too and didn't need my letters anymore to help with her English studies. After a couple years of never hearing anything I got one letter. She told of how some of her siblings had been kidnapped, horrible things happened to them and they didn't survive. Loosing half her siblings made her want to give up on life, and all this when she had a newborn child. I wrote back as passionately as I could. Lots of prayer went into that letter I last sent. Even still that was the last I ever heard from her.

Thinking of those two last letters just makes me sad. I never meant for either friendship to end like that. And while I never was able to give the pen pal much of a chance I didn't want it to end like that. I had continued to write because I knew she needed my friendship, and then when I know she needed friends the most it all just ended.

What does all this mean? It's the dark things in my past like this that remind me just how important each person in my life is, no matter how surface or intimate. If our lives have come together, if even just for a moment of friendship, I have to believe that it was either to form who we were then or who we are to be. I fear that I may never get a chance to truly let David know just what it meant to me that he was there for me, when even my own family wasn't. In a lot of ways he saved my life. I wish I could tell him that. I don't want those kinds of regrets with anyone else. I suppose one part of it though is that learning from regret is a sad transition from child life to adult life. I just wish the memories didn't haunt so much.

::Update:: I found a post I made that relates to this a bit.

Currently watching: Last Holiday (Widescreen Edition)

Quiver Full

I came across this watching a morning news program. I'm really not sure what to think about it all.
Kevin and I go to a church where there are large families, and the church we went to in Bothell had very large families too. It's probably the one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable at church since it's just the two of us.



All my life the one dream that has always remained constant was to get married and have children. I was able to get married young and have enjoyed it and feel sucessful in my life as a wife. But my life as a childless mother is a bitter and painful sadness. Groups like this (even parts of my own family tree) make the sadness worst. If they are so blessed to have children, am I so cursed to live my life without children? And what of my desire to change that if only I could?

I came across a few links on Quiver full and because it's just a bit too hard to deal with right now I'm blogging it so I pick it up later.

Quiver Full Links page.
Quiver full, convicted housewife.
Quiver full homepage
Quiver full, about us.


The biggest issue I've come across in what I have looked at is the anti-birthcontrol stance.
I in no way am for abortions, once life has been created it shouldn't be stopped. I do however take birth control pills, and not to keep from having kids, but to regulate my hormones. I couldn't have kids even if I was off the pill. If I was to concieve I would more then likely loose the pregnancy as my odd hormone levels would not be conducive for a pregnancy to remain healthy. I've struggled with the idea of being on the pill, but knowing that it would lead to heartache and I'd miscarry this seems to be the best option for us, but I still stuggle if it is what the Lord wants, or is it better to miscarry so many times, or would surgery of some kind be best? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Statement of Faith Paper - Valley Presbyterian Church

Crystal M. Baker
4/2/99 11:06 P.M.
Statement of Faith Paper
Valley Presbyterian Church


This isn’t a speech so I’ll start out by apologizing for exegeting my life. I’m a college student at a bible college so it is only natural that I would take something like a statement of faith and turn it into an essay of the testimony about how Christ has changed my life. And since I’m a college student I will try not to turn this into a lengthy discourse.

One of the definitions Webster gives to the word faith is, the belief and trust in and loyalty to God. I’ve known this for a long time. I learned in back in junior high to be exact. Knowing the definition of faith my mind was filled with thinking about what faith in God, as a Christian really meant.

There was a point in my life that everything seemed to be going wrong. It’s when everything goes wrong in everyone’s life. I call it my preteen years, others call it “When I was in Junior High…” Well, here is what happened in a nutshell. Junior High was awful for me. There was the issue of fitting in and “Do I fit in?” and “Will High School be scary?” but I also had things that a pre-teen doesn’t normally have to deal with.

I didn’t know how to deal with what was going on in my life. With all I was going through I remained the same person, at least outwardly. I didn’t change my attitude, I didn’t do drugs or act wired at school, I just took it all in. I became really depressed.

The only good thing I can think of about depression is that it makes a person think. For me it turned out to be good. We have always gone to church, it’s all I’ve ever known, but I didn’t understand why we did it for myself until my preteens. Since my depression was making me think I got to thinking about faith. Sure, I knew the reasons why every good little girl and boy goes to Sunday school and church and why we give offering. But I didn’t know why we needed a God. I knew all the bible stories of Moses and baby Jesus. I even knew that Jesus came, but why?

As I started to think about all the things I was taking into my mind I started to piece it all together. I started to think that it did make sense to have a savior, and for a simple reason. It seemed like anyone I talked to couldn’t really understand what I really wanted to talk with them about. It then hit me “Hey, God is God!” So I gave up trying to talk to people and I started to pray. Let me rephrase that though. I didn’t just give up talking to people, I quit trying to get people to understand me and turned to God in prayer because I knew he already understood me.

When I started praying I noticed a real change. I liked it, and everything didn’t seem to bother me as much. It finally made sense to have a savior. It made sense to say “Hey God, things aren’t working out.” and it felt really good to share my downfalls with God and still receive unconditional love. Knowing that God loved me unconditionally grew from studying about God in scripture and through all my praying. I started to see that I needed God. That’s when I really accepted Him. Soon I gave my life to Christ in church and was baptized! Then I continued to study, I needed to find out what I was supposed to do next. I wanted to know what God required. When I heard that we are supposed to tithe I started giving a tenth of my baby-sitting money and when I heard that promises were meant to be kept I started to cut back on what I said “I promise” to. I followed all the rules I could find, including the rule look for more rules; at least that was what my interpretation of studying the word was.

In High school I got too busy and too broke to continue to follow all the rules. I needed to save all of my baby-sitting money to buy my lunches and my homework cut into all the free time to read the bible. I continued to go to church and youth group though. I considered myself spiritually feed that way.

During one of my times at youth group the topic was about doing things for the Lord and having the right heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I started to realize that it didn’t matter to God if I gave him His share of the money and time if my heart wasn’t into it. Then I started giving up the baby-sitting jobs and went on to do more things around the church. I became more committed, and best of all my heart was in it!

Now that I’m in college I still search for God. I want to know who He is and what He wants changed in my life. After all when I accepted Christ into my life I gave him my life. I dedicated myself to His will. So far college has been a real time of reflection. A time of getting to really know what God wants changed in my life. Going to a Christian College the changes go at a fairly fast pace. God is doing some wonderful things in my life right now, and it is only because I believe that he can change me. I know that even if I work at changing my life for him my whole life, I’ll never achieve it on my own, but with Christ I will be made new in heaven. Praise God that I will be a new creation!

To sum up, or to give my statement of faith in only a couple of sentences, here I go. I know that Christ is my redeemer. He gave me the Holy Spirit to guide me in life and because I follow, I will get to be a new person in heaven and best of all I’ll get to see God!