Thankful Thursday

1 Thessalonians 1:9-12 Now about brotherly love we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. And in fact, you do love all the brothers throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brothers, to do so more and more.

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

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Today I'm thankful that my unexpected need was unexpectedly meet! I'm fairly certain it involved sacrifice on another person's part for me. And if so I'm truly grateful!

Here's some back story, This week I've had an appointment every day! Very much out of the ordinary for this house bound disabled. But on Wednesday last week I went to my dentist and had my teeth cleaned. My dentist's office is half a block away from my aunt's hair salon, and it's been ages since I've seen her. A real shame too since we live in neighboring towns. So I stopped into her shop to visit with her a little bit until her next customer was coming in. We chatted a bit about how damaged my hair had gotten from still having some old hair color on it, and now with regularly swimming (thanks to my parents who bought me a Y membership so I can attend the 3 times a week arthritis swim! Hey, another thankful post can spin off this one! Hmm...) so we made plans for me to come in Monday and get a trim. Monday came and 4 inches of damaged hair came off. Also on Monday, I skipped swim class because I've some bad rashes under my arms. And it's fairly raw. So instead of swimming I called my dermatologists office, only to find out that they won't be able to see me for a month, and suggested I see my GP. So I called my GP and was scheduled to see him the next day. So Tuesday happens and I'm off to see my GP. We talk about how dry I am, and how I probably have Sjogren's syndrome considering a few symptoms I have, and that goes along with my RA, so it's a very likely diagnosis, but he's leaving that for my Rheumatologist to determine, and he wants me to make an appointment with my dermatologist anyway in case the rash is still there in a month. So that's now two more appointments I need to make! I really should be on the phone planning those except today I just got back from the dentist office (AGAIN!) and feel the need to blog about THIS and save the phone calls for just after. See, on Tuesday night I chipped a couple teeth. We were having a pasta casserole for dinner, so I honestly have NO idea how it happened. But, for whatever reason, all of a sudden, two teeth chipped, and one so badly my tongue has been rubbed raw on the tip from the sharp edge of the tooth. So yesterday I was able to be squeezed in to be seen for an estimate of work. As I was leaving they were scheduling me for when the fillings could be done. The soonest was an entire month away! And the first date available happened to be one I'm already booked on, so it was going to be even later than that! I literally started praying for an opening as soon as possible as soon as I left the office door! Then, as we were eating dinner last night the dentist office called and asked if I could be seen today at noon, that there was an opening then. I jumped at the chance, at this point being agitated with the sting on the tip of my tongue I wasn't going to say no no matter what time it was, so long as it was sooner.
As I was waiting for the dentist to come in the room I glanced around the room. On the wall nearest the door was the days schedule, and that time slot was blacked out as his lunch time. As best I can tell he took an early lunch if their was a cancellation before his lunch, but my guess is he sacrificed for me and squeezed me in. He was very polite and friendly, but I heard him quietly burp a few times during the 40 minutes he was working on my mouth, and his stomach was making all sorts of sounds. It reminded me of my retail days when I'd have 15 minutes for a break and had to cram down my lunch quickly. I believe he ate as fast as he could to fit me in between appointments. When he was done he thanked me for being available so quickly, and I said I was just thankful to be seen so quickly! He said, well, I felt bad sending you off with a broken tooth yesterday and I'm glad we could fit you in sooner. To me that pretty much told me what I was already speculating, that he squeezed me in for my comfort, knowing a month would be far too long of a wait. If I'm right, I'm thankful for his sacrifice of indigestion to put my comfort before his! If I'm wrong in my speculations, I'm just thankful that my unexpected need was unexpectedly fixed so expediently!

Since I'm blogging, I should probably mention now that my dropping out of NaBloPoMo back in November was a much needed thing. I honestly thought it would be fun to push myself to write daily, but I ended up finding it didn't allow for the natural flow of my creativity. Some people can write under pressure, I'm not one of them. Which may squash my dreams of being a published author someday, but I'm not going to dwell on that.

By mid November I was in a frenzy trying to prepare the house for my families Thanksgiving visit. And then before they even left I was off to Montana to be with my cousin and her family for a few weeks before Christmas because she just had a baby and named Kevin and I God-parents. So now we have a second God-son, and it was a joy to help them transition to their new life as a family of 4 and to spend so much time with a newborn! Kevin joined me for the last week. He rode out on the train. Our friend (and great author) Tricia Goyer picked Kevin up from the train station, had him hang out at their place for a bit, and then dropped him off on the bus to catch the last leg of his trip. Then he rode back with me in our truck. We're thankful for Tricia's kindness as it really helped us save on the trip, and I know it was a nice break for Kevin to be with friends on the way out.

At Christmas we were in Oregon visiting Kevin's family and so we were literally home only a couple days before leaving again. By the time all my traveling was done, it seemed like I hadn't been home for over a month, and as a result many of my personal routines didn't happen, including blogging. But I'll gladly trade my simple daily routines for time with all those family members again!

So, hopefully I'll be able to blog again a bit more regularly, and work on some of the topics I started rough drafting back in October. I'm excited for what this new year holds, and amazed that a month and a half is already gone! I guess unpacking and catching up on doctors appointments and so on has just really kept me busy. I still plan on editing my photos from Thanksgiving and since and posting some, but for now I need a nap. I started the week only expecting to visit my aunt and get my hair trimmed, and now I've had something every day. And tomorrow is grocery day so I don't even get a break tomorrow. I'm sure their are plenty who have errands and jobs everyday, but for me this has been a big deal. I'm thankful I've had the endurance to keep going all week, and I know that's a gift from God. I did have a hard time getting out of bed today, so in the interest of not building up a huge sleep debt and running out of spoons for the weekend I'm going to nap until hubby gets home, and save the phone calls for tomorrow.

Pictures from the CA trip.

I'm finally able to upload to my FTP server again, I don't even know why I couldn't, but apparently it's working again, so, here, albeit a bit delayed, are a few pictures from our trip to California. Most all of them are in Napa Valley, in Calistoga (Golden Haven Spa) or St. Hellena (Cooking Institute of America - Greystone restaurant), the one where I'm with stickers is at Mrs. Grossman's sticker factory in Petaluma, CA, and the one of my mom and I inside is at her place in San Jose. To see any of the pictures larger simply right click and view in new tab. I know I look like I had a fake smile in every picture, but I was in loads of physical pain during most of these pictures. I think they look pretty good considering I spent most of that time walking with my cane. I still need to optimize the pictures I took with my camera, so those will be another post soon. My favorites are grandma with the artichoke plant, and Kevin in the roadside chapel.

The first two are from my sister's camera. The rest are from my mom's camera.

Top photo - Kevin & I at our favorite spa
1. Wine barrels at CIA
2. Mom & I at my parents place
3. Mom and Dad at Golden Haven spa, all ready to relax.
4. Kevin and I at Golden Haven.
5. Grandma K. at Golden Haven
6. Grandma K. and C.I.A. with an artichoke plant
7. Sister Susan in C.I.A. giftshop
8. Sister Susan and I at C.I.A. with Napa Valley in the backgroung
9. Grandma K. and I in C.I.A. gardens
10. Kevin in a roadside chapel at a vineyard we stopped at.
11. Me at the sticker factory.

Another bitter mother's day for this childless mother.

In the 9 years of knowing of my infertility I think I've made it to church on mother's day maybe twice. I remember watching as the mothers got roses and it feeling so painful that there was a visual marker of how broken my womanhood is. That I can't just pop out a kid like all these other women. Yes, I know I've only been married 8 years of that, but I was diagnosed with PCOS because of the symptoms not the infertility right away, I guess technically that wasn't stated until later, but I knew I had it too because of annovulation. This year I had hoped would be different.

Many days do go by where my infertility doesn't sadden me, and I'm grateful for those days, and then there are days that just slap me and I can't avoid the pain. Often mother's day is a day I hide under the covers in bed, afraid of the sadness I'd face if I left the house. This last mother's day was weird. This year I was thinking I might be strong enough to leave the house this mother's day. As it turned out it was when we'd be driving home from visiting family. So we were on the road, I'd be missing church anyway. I felt like I wasn't hiding this year, until we stopped for lunch in Salem, OR...

In the morning before we left our hotel room I took some time to look up the locations of a few places I could get smashed pennies along the way home. One of them ended up being a children's museum, so we didn't go in, that was awkward, and I wasn't going to let it get me... it would seem strange for two childless adults to go to a children's museum no matter how fun it really is. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a poster that said mom's get in free with one paid ticket. That started to get to me too. My shell of strength was weakening...

We drove across a few blocks to a park that also had smashed pennies. I got some and we stopped long enough to take in the park and stretch little bit. I saw family after family pass by me to celebrate together, many being 3 and 4 generations! That really saddened me. I longed to have chicken in the park with my children, and wondered with sadness if that would ever be. As I sat in the truck leaving I was mad at myself for being sad, but I was sad because I couldn't have those simple joys for myself. Who doesn't want to smile when they see a baby smile at them, or laugh a little while hearing a child tell a silly story that only a child can get away with saying. I love those little things, and it breaks my heart that I can only observe and not live these things. We ended up driving through Mc Donald's for lunch (mom gave us a gift card) and continued driving. I slowly ate my meal siting in the truck driving home. Not completely crushed, but a bit shell shocked that this day devoted to those blessed to have children still hurts me so. I don't want to cry these tears anymore, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to answer any more questions of why we don't have kids. I just don't want to feel like a freak anymore because my body won't just readily work like all other women out there.

Coming home I had so many blog posts I needed to get caught up on. I got choked up seeing how some families we know their babies are already turning 1 and it seems like just yesterday when I was shattered in a million pieces by learning that so many people we know all at once were pregnant.

I still have this sinking feeling that God is closing that door for us and I'm fighting it and causing more pain. I feel so hopeless and helpless when I consider I just found out I have osteoarthritis as well as rheumatoid arthritis! It all adds to a long list. I'm constantly at doctor appointments. And now I'm heading back again on Monday to go over the MRI results and find out more. I just feel so lost. So sad, and so alienated. I don't expect others to understand, but I need you to understand that if I don't seem chipper or myself these days, these are the burdens weighing me down. I'm just wondering if life will ever start making sense, or if that's all just a part of the curse of this being a broken fallen world.

I'm going to end for now because if I don't I'll just type all this over again in circles. I'm sorry this post puts a damper on anyone else's reflections on mother's day, but this is my reality.

Smashing 'dem pennies

So, one of my favorite things to do on the road is to collect smashed pennies. I picked up several more yesterday on the way home. And got some extras too for swaps! Yay! As a result I'm really starting to need to pick up at least one more collecting book, so I was looking on-line. I'm glad to see that the coins for the Rose Festival I went to last year are still available. I'm still hoping to get it, but haven't had the extra cash yet.


I also came across this fun collection!

That'd be neat to pick up too! Maybe it'll happen, I can hope I guess. I just love collecting smashed pennies since it's a fairly cheap souvenir.

I'm not up to scanning the coins I got, but if someone wants to see them just comment and I'll try to post them later.

Life stuff... too tired to come up with a title.

Between being sore a lot, Kevin having gone to SLC, us having gone to CA and other life events I just haven't been able to keep up much on blogging again. I still need to post his pictures from SLC, and now I have the pictures from our trip to CA... I'll try to get to all that soon, but right now I'm tired so it waits, just like some of the stuff waits to be unpacked from the truck still.

We got in about 8 last night, maybe sooner, there was still a fair amount of sun-light left, though the sun was setting. Anyway, sleeping in our own bed was great, though Siggy was so attention starved he wanted to be in the room with us, and how can we deny that cute little fur-ball after being away for 9 days. So I didn't sleep. I need sleep. I think I'm heading for a nap now until Kevin gets home. I've been trying to catch up on blogs and swap-bot and such and I'm just feeling way too sleepy to function so for today I give up.

All this dopey-ness and yet I think my other post today looks pretty decent.

BTW, I'm in the midst of some blogy spring cleaning. The following sections are currently missing from my blog but will hopefully soon appear as tabs on the top...

Health links, random links, artists, my favorite random posts, and faith links.

If you were coming to my page looking for something in one of those sections, don't freak out. That stuff will be back. Drop me a message and I'll send you the link you were looking for or whatever. My hope is that by making separate pages and having them tabbed here that this page will be cleaned up a lot.

MIA, and thoughts on infertility, sick cat and other things...

Sorry I haven't posted anything in 3 weeks! I do have stuff to post too; like the pictures from our Portland trip, and the fiasco with a very sick kitty when we got back. I just haven't blogged and I think a lot of it is just being tired (and sick). I got super sick myself after Portland and Kevin had a business trip so for most of the week when we were back I was alone. That was awful. I was so sick I texted my mom her birthday greetings because I couldn't talk, and later I had a horrible sinus infection! I just hate blogging when I feel like I don't have anything good or interesting to say, when it's all complaining and sickness and stuff, I just close up.

I also close up when I hear about other couples expecting. I REALLY want to be happy for them. I AM happy for them, but I always close up because my infertility is a wound easily reopened. I can be fine for days, weeks, months even, but then something that should be one of the biggest joys for a loved one is a painful reminder that I will most likely never get to have that experience and joy, and if I were to try it would be at great risk, huge expense and well, I'm just wanting to adopt so I don't talk about infertility treatment.

The last few weeks I've been very depressed. I want so desperately to be a mom. It's a dream I've wanted all my life. To be a wife and mom, I'm only halfway there, and the first part has been so easy and the last part is so hard! I feel so horribly left behind. I'm hard pressed to come up with many friends who are married that don't have more then one kid already! I just hope that when we do have kids that we will know someone who will have kids our kids ages, at this rate I think we'll be so behind that everyone will have much older kids then us. These are things that bug me to no end! And lead me to midnight blogging!

In the matter of 2 and a half weeks I heard 4 pregnancy announcements! I screamed every time. I have a hard time wanting to spend time on-line because I'm afraid that everyone else's joy will just make me sad. I went to a "support" website only to be told I should pray about my own jealousy and just be happy for them. But what that ignores is I am happy for them, it's my own situation that causes me such sorrow, and while I'm able to cope most of the time, their joy reminds me of my own sorrow, brings it up again and then I grieve again. It doesn't just disappear. My hopes and dreams are not something to just ignore. And I know they are Kevin's too.

I've missed parties, or church (and we even left a church in San Jose), or waited too long to go shopping and missed out on other things simply because I don't want to be constantly reminded of the gifts other families have that I have to continue to wait for. Seeing pregnant women in the grocery store saddens me. I wonder sometimes if they can read "Infertile" on my face when I look away in sadness, or if they even notice.

I'm grieving again. A really good friend of mine is loosing her baby and all I can think of is that she's living the hellish nightmare that keeps me from trying infertility treatment. See I know what my odds are, I know that there is more of a chance of loosing a baby then ever having a baby, and I know that my chances of conceiving in the first place are so slim considering my body. It is one of those things that makes some women explore absolutely every avenue and option out their, but the pain and risk along the way seems to great a sorrow considering everything else I've had to live through, why add more pain. But that leaves me with the struggle of a heart of a childless mother. I have a niece and a nephew, and my cousin made me her son's God mother, and for these joys I'm grateful. They still don't fill that whole in my heart though. Someday an adoption will happen and these things will change a lot. Holding hope in that day, somedays is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy. And I know I'll be a good mom someday, I just needed to let you all know what's been rattling around my head for so long. Why you haven't heard from me. I've been trying to come up with what to write, but stop because I don't want to complain.

On to Tony... When we got back from our trip (we were only gone 3 days) we had found that he had developed a bad case of the runs. It sucks enough when a person is dealing with that, but cats are a whole 'nother thing. He left surprises in every room, as well as streaks and stains. He lost 4 pounds which considering his size is a good thing, but still drastic. And he slept like crazy. For about a week straight he wasn't himself. Then we noticed his fur was missing on his backside, but he was better otherwise. It seemed like everything was behind him and he was going to be a healthy kitty again! Then the next day we noticed the fur-less patch was raw and a bit bloody. We were getting concerned. It was seeming like he wasn't getting better and so we somehow had to take him to the vet with no money! The day after that he had a huge open wound. We both felt faint looking at it and had no doubt, we were taking him to an animal ER. We ended up paying for the visit with the money my mom and sister gave us to buy a convertible crib/bed for when we do have a kid. So now purchasing that has to wait. Which bums me out because I've been back and forth with nesting. I have this crazy idea of having a room all ready for when we start our home-study. Anyway, back to Tony. So the doctor said he was doing very well and that it looks the way he wants it too! And we're thinking "WHAT? this is a lot worst then when he had the runs." Apparently he got a gland clogged with all his unpleasantness, so even though I was bathing him, wanting to vomit as I choked on my own illness at the same time, he still ended up not getting clean enough to stay healthy. And we kind of wonder if Tony didn't do it to himself since it seemed to us like he was over cleaning on top of us cleaning him as well. To make a long story short his horrible wound is an abscess that got infected and ruptured. And wow was the wound gross. I'm thinking, I've had pimples and boils and none of them have ever made a wound like that. Poor kitty. It was reassuring being in the ER vets office because they explained that it's not that uncommon this time of year with all the warmth and considering his previous illness. They comforted us telling us we were good cat parents and sent us home with a round of antibiotics to give him. All in all he's been such a good cat. He normally is. I'm so proud of my cat. Both the people in the ER loved him.

So here it is July 3 and I'm finally writing again. Sorry it's not much fun. But an interesting factoid is the last time I wrote was my mothers birthday and today is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday Daddy! Oh, and my brother in law too! Happy birthday to you too!

I'm just waiting for some good news. Which seems silly considering so many dear loved ones are expecting. I am happy for them for that, I'd just like for things to work out a bit better for my house too is all. Eventually they will. I hope.

I'll try and post some pictures soon from our Portland trip. We went to Portland and met up with Kevin's parents there. We sat in the rain most of the day Saturday (three weeks ago) watching the parade. I'm not much of a parade person, but it was a lot of fun. And even though I got sick (I know I was coming down with it before the trip) I'm so thankful it was rain and not blaring sun while we sat outside. I guess that proves I'm a north-westerner or something.

In positive news, Kevin and I recently finished our introductory classes on the OPC and are placing our membership at the church we've been attending (as best we can given MANY trips and illnesses this year) for almost a year now. On sunday an announcement will be in the bulletin that the church plans to receive us as new members and then the next week if there is no opposition then we'll be accepted, given our reaffirmation of faith. We are very excited as this has really become a wonderful place for us to worship God, to grow our faith and to fellowship with great new friends. The support structure we are discovering there is awesome and we feel blessed to be lead there. We both hope that everyone we love can have the same kind of joy in their own church home.

Cinco De Mayo weekend

This is probably going to be our photo for our adoption papers. Yup, that was our big focus with taking pictures over the weekend. Having something where we both have our eyes open and smiling. I really like this one!

Kevin and I in San Jose.

With Grandma K at her place.

Susan, Kevin, and I at Grandma's house.


My uncle Pete and my cousin Karly

They started wrestling, it was pretty funny!

When they started settling down Karly's hair was all messed up and I laughed saying if only it was 1985 her hair would have been perfectly in style. When I showed her the picture she thought it was funny.

Uncle Pete made some of the best tacos I've ever had! He's such a good cook! I heard the fish was pretty good too.

Mom and Uncle Pete at Pete's for Cinco De Mayo

Grandma Juett came by to Peter's for a bit even! It was good to see her too!

Kevin and I with Grandma Juett and my dad.

My parents.

Kevin was standing in the hallway at grandma K's. Grandpa has animal trophies on the walls and I just started cracking up when I looked at Kevin. I didn't say a word to explain except to ask for the camera, and then I took this picture! I love it!

Susan showin off Grandma K's Moravian dolly.

While we were in CA we went to Kevin's parents church. It was a good service and I was glad that my family and grandma came with us all!

Here is my mother in law, Venita, she plays the organ at her church.

After church we went to the mall for lunch. Here are my in-laws, Bob and Venita.

Our friend Mark was able to meet us for Lunch! That was great! It's been too long since we were able to last get together!

We spent some time taking pictures together. The sun was overwhelming to Kevin and I. We're Washingtonians now, were just not used to that much sun!

Same pose, but with grandma K instead of mom.

Grandma K's visit & roadtrip!

Before Easter week Grandma Koleckar came up to visit, see our new place and she spoiled us. She taught me some Czech dishes, bought us every little thing she thought we needed, and my favorite... she bought me this gorgeous bar to display things, store my cookbooks, wine glasses and bottles. Thanks so much grandma! (as with all my photo blog posts, to view a larger version of an image simply click the image.)


She also spent a good amount of time working on my garden. I felt bad because I really was going to do it, but while she was here was the first time it wasn't completely muddy and rainy. I really like what she did with the flower bed by the pond.

She also got me more bulbs to fill up the wine barrel.

Grandma came also so I'd have a driving buddy coming down to California. She paid for Kevin and I to come so we could be there for Easter. Grandma and I had a great time driving down. I've never been on a road trip with her just the two of us, it was really fun! We drove through the redwood forest that was so beautiful, and it was fun driving the truck through trees!