My very first NaBloPoMo post

Today is my very first post in participation with NaBloPoMo. I've been reflecting on my blog and how I haven't really been posting much to it lately. I have many things churning in my brain as possible blog posts, but a lot of things start turning into long articles when I try and focus on them, and then I loose steam with editing and never actually post. So, for November, and in an effort to get myself back on track with using my blog, I'm going to try and pick a few themes I want to work on and make my posts a bit smaller so I actually get around to writing them. Some of my themes will be a bit more serious, and others a bit easy going. I've decided that in order to better keep on track I'll also participate in the Simple Woman's Daybook posts on Mondays, so that will be one of my themes and some of the lighter posts. I also plan on shining light on different people groups and their perplexing journey's while still showing hope. I hope by doing so I'll keep to my blogs theme as well as participating more openly.

(As I'm actually working on this particular post a couple weeks early I'm still planning out the rest of the month, but I think so far I have a good start.)
To those I'll soon meet from participating in this challenge, welcome to my blog. To give you a little background about it I write about my life dealing with multiple types of arthritis, allergies, and infertility. I've been blessed with a great struggle of many health issues. It deepens and strengthens my faith as I have to grow my strength and trust in God. In addition I sometimes post about political topics that effect my perplexing journey as well. Particularly health care reform, topics surrounding medications, and the pro abortion/ pro life debate. I understand these topics are not for everyone, however I make no apologies about my views & feelings.The posts I make are my views and this is my blog, I would hope that readers who comment will be respectful of my views. I pledge to do the same as well.

About blog commenting. I preview all comments before they are allowed to publish to my posts. I did this because when I had commenting fully open I was getting more spam comments than actual comments and it was a waste of my time and my readers time. Please know that you won't see your comment on my posts immediately as I will only be approving comments about once a day. Duplicate comments, spam comments, and disrespectful comments will all be denied publication. This will be at my personal discretion as time permits. Thank you for your cooperation.

If you are a NaBloPoMo participant as well and you have a blog or posts that you believe I'd be interested in based on the feel of my blog feel free to leave me a comment telling me how I can find your blog. I think by following others it'll help us all have more ideas on how to keep on track with making our posts each day. Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog. God Bless.

Writings on coping spiritually with the trials of life.

I haven't started getting into this article yet, but it looks good.

And also, I just came across a book that a blog friend of mine wrote. I hope to buy her book and read it as most anything she writes on her blog seems very auto-biographical of my own walk remaining faithful to God through this burden of A.S. and R.A.

Back pain haiku

I've been productive today, but still in loads of pain. I'm looking for an orthopedic doctor, as well as physical therapist. Anyway, I thought maybe some creativity would put some humor to what I'm dealing with so here is my silly haiku, I don't think it's very great, but it was fun to work on. An outlet.

My Back Pain Haiku

Grit teeth, cringe, back pain
it never ends, always there
raw pain, kills my mind

So, what do you think? I'm a silly-head, huh!?

Content dump

I don't know why I haven't been posting what I write on here recently but I have still been writing so today I'm focusing on updating this with everything I've written recently but didn't post.

Not like this…

Mood: melancholy

::Update - See bottom of post for update.::
I've mentioned from time to time in those stupid e-mail surveys and such that I don't give up on people or that people give up on me. I spend way too many hours with my brain wrapped on such things. As long as I can remember I've always had pen pals, and growing up it seemed like my family moved way too often. Maybe that made me clingy and desperate for true friendship, but I think it's a bit different than that.

Amazing as all my transitions have impacted my life I've only really ever been in two love relationships, the first being in junior high (which makes many say that's not my "first" relationship, too young to know things, etc.) but after David Kaiser I've always been with Kevin. I have no regrets about Kevin. He is my one true love and I'm blessed to have him as my husband, my love, and my other half. But there are parts of me that think back to David. I knew then, as did he that while we were exceptional friends that we weren't going to get married or anything like that. He was however the only person who cared to see me through a super dark time in my life. He loved me unconditionally to make sure I'd not get to depressed about something everyone else wanted me to just forget and ignore. There is no way I can just sweep things under the rug, especially when what happened then was such a crime. He and his family was in court the day I was in court and he consoled me the whole day I waited to testify. David's flaw though? He was a wonderful jokester. Always saying something funny, making people smile and laugh. When it was his turn to testify he came out with a big grin on his face, the room laughing behind him and he bragged about how he had everyone in stitches. I started seeing red. This wasn't the place or time for jokes. I punched him in the arm, told him I was mad that he couldn't be serious for that. And after the verdict came back not guilty I blamed him. I was a kid then, so was he. Now that I'm an adult I know now that it could be any number of reasons it didn't go the right way. I've also not trusted jury's since then either as I've blamed them too for being ignorant and not believing a child!

I've only heard from David once since then. He wrote me asking me to be in his life again. I honestly did tell him the truth that I wanted to still be friends, but with not having spoken for so long I had moved on, I had passionately fallen in love with Kevin. David had written me a letter, something he never did; I didn't know what to think. Getting a letter from someone I hadn't spoken to for years. It was heartbreaking. I rejoiced that he had found me again and wondered how I was. I still wonder how he is. We never kissed, we held hands at most and yet he still took a piece of space in my heart. After I had been married to Kevin a few years my mom confessed that she tried to keep David and I apart. I felt manipulated. It's not like I was going to marry the guy, I just needed him in my life, and he's a friend that knows things about me that no one else knows. That one letter was the only thing I ever heard from him since. And I can't help but wonder if it was something my mom did, or my own honesty. Not ever hearing another word from him since has been a big weird thing to me. When I had the dream I did a while ago where I was laying in a bed with him on one side and Kevin on the other has given me comfort in knowing that he is my past and Kevin is my present and future, but giving up the past without answers is still odd.

Going back to pen pals. As long as I can remember I've always had at least one pen pal. At one point I got a pen pal from Europe. Her English wasn't the best and it was hard for me to read her letters. I dreaded having to reply to them, but my mother made me keep up with it. I wanted to stop because it was extra work and school was more then plenty hard already. When High school ended, so did the letters it seemed. I assumed that it was because she was done with school too and didn't need my letters anymore to help with her English studies. After a couple years of never hearing anything I got one letter. She told of how some of her siblings had been kidnapped, horrible things happened to them and they didn't survive. Loosing half her siblings made her want to give up on life, and all this when she had a newborn child. I wrote back as passionately as I could. Lots of prayer went into that letter I last sent. Even still that was the last I ever heard from her.

Thinking of those two last letters just makes me sad. I never meant for either friendship to end like that. And while I never was able to give the pen pal much of a chance I didn't want it to end like that. I had continued to write because I knew she needed my friendship, and then when I know she needed friends the most it all just ended.

What does all this mean? It's the dark things in my past like this that remind me just how important each person in my life is, no matter how surface or intimate. If our lives have come together, if even just for a moment of friendship, I have to believe that it was either to form who we were then or who we are to be. I fear that I may never get a chance to truly let David know just what it meant to me that he was there for me, when even my own family wasn't. In a lot of ways he saved my life. I wish I could tell him that. I don't want those kinds of regrets with anyone else. I suppose one part of it though is that learning from regret is a sad transition from child life to adult life. I just wish the memories didn't haunt so much.

::Update:: I found a post I made that relates to this a bit.

Currently watching: Last Holiday (Widescreen Edition)